Sunday, November 23, 2008

For Your Consideration


As the unanimous winner of the DR LVP award, I am in the unique position to judge my compatriots whose ceaseless toil over the past year deserves and demands not only your respect, but more prestigious honors. I have read every word and clicked every link, and below you will find the nominees for the Inaugural Edition of the Dalembert Report Awards.

The rules are simple. There are 10 categories, each with 5 or 6 nominees. You may vote for one nominee in each category. Voting will be done via email. Make your selections and email them to thedalembertawards@gmail.com with the subject heading “Awards Ballot”. There is no standard format for the ballot; just make it clear. Anyone is eligible to vote regardless of age, race, sex, intelligence, citizenship, however, you must identify yourself on your ballot by full name or easily identifiable pseudonym (one person one vote people—it’s the law!).

Many of these nominees may make no sense to some of you. That’s ok. Vote anyway. The voting process requires you to take a little time, go back, re-read, get a sense of the context. Don’t be lazy—you will certainly smile, you might laugh, and there’s at least a chance you will vomit.

Voting will remain open until Friday, November 28th, 12:00am. The winners will be announced at the Dalembert Report Awards Dinner and Strip Club Gala on Saturday, November 29th.

Bitching, whining, complaining and politicking for you personal favorites (nominated or not) is encouraged, either via email or (preferably) in the comment section. Let’s hear it for Democracy!

- Stand Watie

The 2008 Dalembert Report Awards Nominees

The Shavlik Randolph Award for Best Use of Homophobia
1. Lets be real here folks is there a woman out there who doesn't want to marry a man obsessed with poop? No. If by chance you can find one though, I am sure she is a huge lezzer. That's right a Gay American. – Do You Like Funny Haircuts?, The Bul Bubak

2. The only dudes who remember other dudes' birthdays are likely the types of dudes who like other dudes. – Comment to Esquiring, Flintskinz

3. Whereas the tell of a homosexual in North Carolina was preferring Marlboro Milds to Reds, there is no such thing as a subtle statement in these parts. I, for one, can't wait to get spotted at the gym. – Live & Direct From Boystown, Big Firm

4. Stairs in the postgame press conference: "there's no better feeling than getting a big hit and coming back to the dugout and getting your ass hammered by guys." – Comment to What Does it All Mean?, Eldiablogrande

5. Taking down the gay picture was even gayer than the inherent gayness found within that really gay picture. – Comment to Veterans – So Much More Than a Stadium, Flintskinz

The Bring It Head Award for Best High School Reference
1. They have an Alaskan who can drain 20 footers w/ one hand, two hand, even three hands. – A New Year with New Purpose, Big Firm * - competition note – this reference was used many times throughout the year but credit must go to the initiator.

2. I mean truly suck, like mac marston suck. – A Silver Lining in Every Turnover, Big Firm

3. Keep on postin' up like T-Bone Ward, DR staff. – Comment to Back in Action, DVDubs

4. Andre Miller not only looks like Juice Goldman but he apparently has the same lift as Juice when taking a jumper. Don't get me wrong, I love Andre Miller, but every time he takes a midrange jumper, I find myself asking the age old question: What the Dilly Oh? – Now Class, What Have We Learned Today?, Big Firm

5. PCP makes me think of Matt Levinger. Am I alone there? – Comment to Don’t Trust Me, Trust Number 6, Big Firm

The Jerny Firm Award for Picture of the Year
1. Sammy D at the Mutter Museum – Oh Britney, Big Firm

2. The Wizard Calvin Booth – 76ers players…or PLAYERS?, The Bul Bubak

3. Strong Defense! – Strong Defense!, Eldiablogrande

4. We Out of Meet – Why Can’t Us?, Eldiablogrande

5. Bul and Mrs. Bubak Enjoy a Holiday in Egypt – Bul and Mrs. Bubak Enjoy a Holiday in Egypt, Eldiablogrande

The Latarian Milton Award for Video of the Year
1. Kyle Kendrick Goes to Japan – Brett Myers, Multi-Talented, Eldiablogrande

2. Sammy D at the Flyers’ game – Just Follow the Little Ball, Big Firm

3. Wrenches!! – A Star is Born, Big Firm

4. Rick Mahorn – Just Because..., Big Firm

5. Humm Wedding – In Sickness and in Phils, Eldiablogrande

The Let’s All Hope Dan Wins So He Doesn’t Hang Himself with an Aged Stripper’s G-String At the Dolphin Tavern After the Awards Dinner Award for Comment of the Year
1. So last week, while performing a Google search of my name, to make sure that it didn't show up on a porn site (long, much more innocuous and boring story than you imagine), the Dalembert Report came up on the first page, referencing me and Coach Kevin. I have two reactions to this.

First, I need to do more noteworthy shit if this blog makes the first page of a Google search for my name.

Secondly, I don't know how the Coach Kev mythology has evolved, but I think I need to set the record straight. He was talking to the entire 1996-1997 JV squad, not just me, when he uttered his infamous, immortal words. Eldiablogrande, if you are who I think you are, you should know better.

It also wasn't just me who ran around like a chicken with the deer in the headlights, by the way. Although he did call me a two game wonder.

On another note, Pedro Feliz is obviously the answer to our third base woes. Scott Rolen must find this very funny. – Comment on Halfway There, Steve

2. Entire comment section – The Love Below

3. you forget to mention that, upon arrival in philly, robin lopez would almost definitely join leana song and quite probably develop a serious coke habit. – Comment on Pez Dispenser, Anonymous

4. it's spelled yarmulke. Even I know that shit. Unless you have been buying your in Chinatown, it isn't yamaka. – Comment on Seeing is Believing, Flintskinz

5. I'm as happy as a pig in shit (more of a reality and less of a metaphor than it should be) that the Phirries are National laaaygue East Champs. I was in attendance, as was Flintskins (two hot dogs on Amorosso 'everything but the" rolls and many beers deep) when J-"everything but the" Roll made the splendid diving grab to turn two for the clincher. It was glorious.

I am optimistic about the Phightins going deeper into the playoffs this year than last, but it is going to take contributions from our many role-players, (not so) cleverly nicknamed below:

Eric Cuntlet and his flesh colored beard, or Sub-Gum Lo Mein
Tadahito "don't call me Taguchi" Iguchi and his interpreter
Gerg "That's not a ball; gimme a real ball" dnn-dn-d-d-dn-dnnnnnnnn Roy Hobbs Dobbs
Ryan Michael Madsen
Matt "I think there are some more rooms down-" Stairs
Clay Aiken Condrey
So Terrible Taguchi
Greg Molson Golson
Scott Jane Eyre
Geoff Albert Bolinski Jenkins

In addition to the solid, necessary contributions of our "carriers," we will need strong coaching decisions from Charlie "I say, I say" Manuel, Rich Duce & Pass Doobie, and Olerud Helmet Davey "I'm a SAG actor" Lopes.

I hope it all falls into place. Go Phils. – Comment on Return of the Jedi, DVDubs

The Bloody Fucking Womb Award for Quote of the Year
1. The DR is a living breathing animal, a fat furry creature with unspecified numbers of arms, legs, and tails. Sometimes we hibernate for months in a dark cave. Sometimes we graze the wide plains, with no particular focus, and lazily affirm our jungle cred with a subtle yet swift riposte. And every so often we go on creative outbursts akin to an Alpha male lion who beats down a young lion challenger, eats a lunch of fresh cheetah caught and prepared by four female lions, then naps in the sun after sexing the hell out of all four said females. The point is, you never know when we might get hungry, so stay tuned in to channel DR. – Sincerely Yours, Chief Naka

2. There are plenty of dull days ahead in which to discuss the relative merits of Elton Brand and Josh Smith, to drool over the tremendous upside potential of young black dudes with one year of college experience and incredibly ludicrous first names. – The Long Cold Winter of Our Discontent, Eldiablogrande

3. My recent trip to New York reminded me of the eternal question that confounds us all: why is it that the only way to fund a fresh set of basketball uniforms for the local church league is through mass distribution of king size peanut M&Ms? – Back in the Fold, Big Firm

4. That should not be a surprise since, judging from their size and personal hygiene, Team Spain was created when Bigfoot impregnated Rebecca Lobo. – Nervous as Hell at 4am, Chief Naka

5. If you really needed me to tell you that it was going to be a bloodbath, I highly recommend that you stop reading this page, walk away from the computer and head to the nearest hospital because there is an excellent chance you may have a massive, gaping head wound that is going to require immediate attention. – Shit Just Got Real, Flintskinz

6. Tomorrow I celebrate America's great veterans. Those that have put their lives on the line in the name of preserving democracy, all so we here at home can elect a black president and upset them all. – Veterans…So Much More Than a Stadium, Big Firm

The I Am A Corporate Drone Award for Best Use of Photoshop
1. Billy King Resume – One of These Things is Not Like the Others, Eldiablogrande

2. Michael Ironside – See You At Your Birthday Pahty Richter!, Eldiablogrande

3. Bul Bubak Eats Penis – I Choo Choo Choose You, Big Firm

4. Yoko Marbury – In Which Life is Good, Yet Inexorably Threatened by the Fucking Knicks, Eldiablogrande

5. Brokeback Mountain 2 – Don’t Trust Me, Trust Number 6, Flintskinz


The Jojari Award for Prediction of the Year
1. 2007's 0.21 post-per-day average will be at least doubled this year. - Year of the Haitian.....Canadian, Flintskinz * - Competition note – as of November 22, there have been 173 posts in 325 days, for an average of .53 posts-per-day, or 2.5 times more posts-per-day than last year.

2. Moreover, the Phillies are winning the fuckin World Series sometime soon. I'm talking "another Cincinnati Bengal gets arrested" soon. Now that Howard is toweling off with 100 dollar bills and Brett Myers has spent an entire off-season teaching his wife a lesson, not only should the NL East beware, but the majors at large should take note: the Phightins' mean bidness. A Silver Lining in Every Turnover, Big Firm

3. Now I'm no scientist, but you do the math: Big Firm in Clearwater 2007 = Phils in the postseason 2007; Big Firm in Clearwater 2008 = Phils in World Series 2008?? You can all thank me later. – Cuzzes in Paradise, Big Firm

4. With The Sixteenth Pick, The Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers select MARREESE SPEIGHTS. – If the Glove Don’t Fit, I’ll Still Predict, Chief Naka

5. Brett Myers stinks. Maybe the only way to reach him is to send him down to the minors for a little while to give him the clear message that his crappity-crap performances won't be tolerated, and maybe he can get his confidence back facing minor league hitters. – Comment to Naka Got Me Thinking…, DVDubs

The Home Run Kim Batiste Award for Best Obscure Philly Athlete Reference
1. Matt Harpring – KorverGate, Eldiablogrande

2. Rob Ducey (the other Philly athlete with Canadian roots) – Omar ‘the Track Star’ Bin Laden, Big Firm

3. Dickie Thon, Clyde Simmons, Seth Joyner, Rodney Buford, Von Hayes, Big Ben Rivera, Scotty Brooks, Sil Campusano, Eric Allen, Heathcliff Slocumb and a host of others who I once loved or oddly appreciated - if you aren't dead or in prison, I encourage you to unretire. – Go Away…And Stay Away, Big Firm

4. What about Jose Dejesus, Ken Howell, Rick Mahorn, Juan Samuel, Ricky Jordan, Greg Gross, Michael Zordic, Ron Hextall, and Eric Dejardins? – Comment to Go Away and Stay Away, DVDubs

5. Jeff Kemp, Rodney Peete, Ty(and Koy) Detmer, Bubby Brister, Bobby Hoying, Doug Pederson, and Mike McMahon. – Damn it Feels Good to be a Moron, Chief Naka

The Dalembert Award for Post of the Year
1. Ask the Bul Bubak, March 6 – the Bul Bubak

2. I Got Monkey Tooooooooooooo! – Eldiablogrande

3. Cuzzes in Paradise – Big Firm

4. Damn These Restrictions – Chief Naka

5. Looking Good Louis – Chief Naka

6. Go Away…and Stay Away – Big Firm

23 comments:

  1. This is truly wonderful. Well done Stand Whitie. Though Sam somehow got posting credit. I also urge consideration for best post title. Get out the vote, Obama style!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well fuckin done sir.

    Regarding the predictions award, I posted Year of the Haitian Canadian, I respectfully request that eldiablo is not given credit for it. That will be all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree. Very well done, Stand. You put in work, but might I also suggest a hyperlink of the year award as well. Those are always good for a laugh and require much creativity on the part of the blogger. Just my piece...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Firm and Sayne, both of your lucid and commendable proposals were seriously considered but ultimately rejected during the nomination process. For a fuller explanation, please send a self addressed stamped envelope and $20 money order to Dalembert Awards Nomination Committee, 163 Dwight St., New Haven, CT, 06511

    Skinz, your correction is accepted.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's only bc I would have easily claimed best hyperlink with my link to Seth Laver.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I vote for every award my husband is nominated for. BUT, I realize that since he is a slacker poster, he isn't up for much. So in categories that don't include my man, I vote for every post Kenz is nominated for.

    ReplyDelete
  7. i vote for ms. bubak's vote to be disqualified. she is clearly biased in favor of bubaky and buzeranty.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bubak could also win best hyperlink for the pole-vaulter. Always enjoyable.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Look at all these Dulphinnnnnnnnnnnnnns!

    ReplyDelete
  10. eldiablogrande is trying to shut down the dalemcratic process!! Count the votes!!

    The fact that voting headquarters is located inside EDgrande's childhood home should automatically trigger a recount scenario that follows the election structure in Haiti: the man with the most guns wins. Therefore I nominate Steve should it come to that.


    abb-your check is in the mail

    ReplyDelete
  11. Does Gonzo read the DR?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yo, I saw a brooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

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  13. Hi five to all involved. Awes.

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