Monday, September 15, 2008

Shit Just Got Real

This post is long overdue. One week, in fact. I was grossly indisposed last week, and was unable to properly kick off the Eagles’ season as I had planned to do over and over in my head for weeks – no – days – no - minutes before the game began. Unfortunately, I was trapped in a utilitarian vehicle of Japanese origin, going the wrong way on the Garden State Parkway, contemplating the likelihood of survival were I to execute a barrel roll out of the car at 70MPH to escape the putrid, rotten bodily emissions of the similarly hungover driver, (who will remain nameless) and was therefore unable to make my gameday prediction. But we were playing the fucking Rams. If you really needed me to tell you that it was going to be a bloodbath, I highly recommend that you stop reading this page, walk away from the computer and head to the nearest hospital because there is an excellent chance you may have a massive, gaping head wound that is going to require immediate attention.

But this week is different.

Various sports media pundits, assholes that they are, almost unanimously picked the Cowboys to win the NFC East this year, many of them picking Dallas to go to the Super Bowl. One of them picked the Eagles. A good one, but only ONE. Not even a Philly sportswriter did it either. So, with that in mind, going into tonight’s game the Eagles seem to have a lot to prove. While that isn’t actually a terrible thing, it might not be the case, as the Cowboys may very well have at least as much, if not more to prove. See, if the Cowboys win, no one outside of Philly and Dallas really cares, because they are the heavy divisional and game favorite, playing at home and in the eyes of the rest of the football world (not to mention those greedy Vegas odds makers) it is a foregone conclusion that it will happen. A loss, however, changes a lot in the court of public opinion and the basic dynamic of the NFC East. Not only do the Eagles pull off an upset, the Cowboys are in the unenviable position of being down one divisional game to the team that the majority believes are the Cowboys stiffest competition in the East and will likely win at least the Wild Card berth, and it is a distinct possibility that it could all comedown to that final game of the season, when the Cowboys and Birds meet on Dec. 28th in the frozen, drunk tundra of South Philly. Game the fuck on.

Now, a brief disclaimer before I proceed. The chance I will ever predict the Eagles to lose within the confines of this space is about as good as the chances of any of us DR editors passing a piss test. That being said, you will generally get the impression throughout the commentary of how much I believe my own prediction. Just to be 100% clear with you, I have no doubt in my mind that the Eagles are going to win this game. It’s not going to be Billy Madison playing dodgeball with third graders like last week was, but a win it shall be. Look for these things tonight to be big contributing factors:

Donovan & B-West – Historically, McNabb plays his best, most dominating football in the beginning of the season. Typically this is because he is not injured yet, nor do his receivers yet have severe back spasms from having to bend down in coverage to catch those shoe-lace passes we all know so well to come from 5. Considering this trend, look for a big offensive night from Donovan. Of course a big factor in this happening is the play of Brian Westbrook. Look for him to do everything short of cloning himself 52 times and filling every roster spot. Dallas knows that you can not stop B-West, you can only hope to contain him, which they will try, and fail at doing. Fear not though, B-West is not the end all be all on the team, please read on…

Desean Jackson – I know what you may be thinking, that we’re anointing this guy as the next T.O. after one game against the Rams. I am a very, very deluded man, one who often flies flags for the wrong causes because I either don’t take the time to research the cause at hand, or I’m willing to gamble on an unsure thing just so I can have the wonderful, soul satisfying ability to tell others that I told them so. This is not the case with young Mr. Jackson. Yet. The best thing, in my opinion, to come out of D-Jack’s performance last week is that the Cowboys secondary has to respect that he can play the receiver position well, and is a legit deep threat if not paid the proper attention to. This will give opportunities to guys like LJ Smith, Jason Avant, Greg Lewis, etc. To reiterate, don’t expect Desean to be a huge playmaker (although it would be great if he is) but look for him to disrupt the defense by forcing them to respect the speed and ability he showed last week, Rams or not.

The D-Line – I kind of suspect that Tony Romo really, really likes big sweaty mens running towards him, but he has to pretend otherwise if he wants to keep his job. Still, he has not responded well to pressure in the past, so to have him get a face full of Trent Cole (no homo) for most of the night will cause him to make a lot of mistakes, and when Tony messes up, good lord does he shit the bed. Also, Marion Barber has bruised ribs, and is foolishly playing, thinking his injured ass is going to be able to break through neanderthals like Mike Patterson. He will not be a fan of his decision Tuesday morning.

The Secondary – I hate that I’m saying this, I really do, but T.O. is an incredible Wide Receiver. He is also a legendary whining bitch, but there’s not much Brian Dawkins can legally do about that, so let’s focus on the former. Between T.O. and Jason Witten, the Cowboys have two legit threats. Between Patrick Crayton, Terry Glenn and Miles Austin they have a crew of JV scrubs. Still, our three headed monster at cornerback along with B-Dawk and Q-Mike have to make sure they don’t let the sun shine on any dogs asses tonight.

Cowboys Cheerleaders* – They’re hot. It takes the edge off of my Dallas hatred. You expected more from me?

So, after all of that, what is the final outcome? Well, as much as it pains me to admit, the Cowboys will give the Eagles a good game and may even cause us some worry at times, but ultimately our offense will excel in the red zone, whereas our defense will have some clutch red zone stops, resulting in field goals at worst.

Final score: Eagles 28, Dallas 23

* - They’re still not hotter than the Eagles cheerleaders.


  1. I'm glad you reminded me. It is Don Cheadle, and all apologies to the man, but that picture was too good not to use.

  2. I am so proud that i clicked on every hyperlink in that bitch. But it concerns me that you now must choose b/w the 45 cheerleader pictures and the 15 gay cowboy pictures, only b/c im pretty sure I know what direction you will go. To those of you watching with cowboys fans tonight (SAM), shame on you

  3. Welcome back, Flintskins.

    First of all, I seem to recall the passenger in my car, you, making me throw up in my mouth repeatedly on the drive back from AC.

    Good links to the Cowboys and cheerleaders. Nicely done.

    Your predictions, though close, sadly did not come true with the birds loss.

    There is no other professional sports team that I dislike more than the Cowboys (the Mets are very close), so it was a bitter pill.

    Birds will have to pick themselves up and stomp the rest of their opponents.

  4. I'm going to have to start going to some UTEP games: