Monday, August 25, 2008

Go away...and stay away

Athletes are greedy people. Sure, sure, many grew up in single-parent families, impoverished, threatened by inner-city violence yada yada yada - or at least want us to think they they did. And yeah, many defied the odds, gaining admission to fine college institutions, promptly having sex with young women of the opposite race, and then leaving for greener pastures. Without a doubt, uplifting stories abound in the world of sports, giving us inspiration, growing the collective hope of the youth and crafting our dreams. And some might argue that athletes deserve all the money, praise and love they can secure. After all, their mothers were crackheads and their fathers convicts. Certainly some of them give me a profound sense of purpose in my otherwise unexciting life. But that doesn't change the simple fact that athletes are greedy fuckers, and it has nothing to do with money.

It appears that Michael Strahan will dutifully follow his good buddy Brett Favre and leap off the "sexually harass-the-au pair" train and jump back onto the "get-road-trip-whores" train. The man wasn't "retired" long enough to schedule an orthodontist's appointment. They've all got the $$. They've all got the trophies and sense of self-satisfaction, some more than others. Yet none of them can bear the thought of consecutive weekends with their wives, or actually raising their children. You tell me - how can Brett Favre bang the babysitter if the babysitter is no longer needed? Exactly. They are shrewd in their reasoning, and ruthless in their incapacity to (gasp) let other people enjoy the limelight. But enough is enough people, when you "retire," find a fishing pole, a friendly pharmacist, and go far far away. Unless you are Allen Iverson, in which case I urge you to relocate to 1023 W. Cliveden St, Philadelphia PA 19119- my most sincere apologies to Splatt.

What about retirement is unattractive? Have you seen what Lenny Dykstra has made of himself? Does Dutch Daulton's literary success not at least trigger your inner-James Joyce? Do something else, anything else, just spare us the press conference, the sly smile, and the nonsense justification for why you simply couldn't swallow the thought of throwing a nerf to your 7 year old while your "family" needed you on the field. Your teammates need knee surgeries, financial advice, and a lifetime supply of condoms. They don't need you. In fact, they "need" you like they need another illegitimate child or a closer investigation as to how they passed the SAT. No one will admit it, but they are happy you are gone. Why? Because they are greedy fuckers too and they want to shine and bask in the glow you have since abandoned. Moreover, with you gone, Dei Lynam can now suck THEM off. The only thing worse than answering endless questions about your rumored departure is having to answer even more questions about your unwelcome return. Do us all a favor: when you retire...retire! I know that makes no sense, but ask your lawyer, he or she will explain what it means to sit on your plush couch, have other people invest your money, and permanently vacation in tropical locales.

In closing, and it pains me to say this... but Barack Obama might very well lose this race simply on account of the size of his oldest daughter's forehead. My lord, it's monstrous. She is to foreheads what Bubak is to calves. I'm just saying, it might be time to consider growing her bangs out.

PS- Dickie Thon, Clyde Simmons, Seth Joyner, Rodney Buford, Von Hayes, Big Ben Rivera, Scotty Brooks, Sil Campusano, Eric Allen, Heathcliff Slocumb and a host of others who I once loved or oddly appreciated - if you aren't dead or in prison, I encourage you to unretire.

10 comments:

  1. What about Jose Dejesus, Ken Howell, Rick Mahorn, Juan Samuel, Ricky Jordan, Greg Gross, Michael Zordic, Ron Hextall, and Eric Dejardins?

    Check this out (shades of Cuba Goodin Jr. on a camel):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHVFVSWeRB4

    PS> That forehead shot has to be enhanced. THe gap in Strahan's teeth is not. F the Giants.

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  2. Favre banged his babysitter?? Where the hell have I been? And...actually I don't know half the people referenced in this post, which doesn't mean I still didn't laugh my way through this stereotype extravaganza. I have some googling to do...

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  3. Favre, like many members of the DR staff and readership, also loves painkillers.

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  4. What. The Phils just defeated the Mets in the 13th after coming back from a 7-0 deficit. Chris Coste, 4-4 off the bench, hit the game-winner. Incredible. I love the Phils.

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  5. I saw on ESPN this morning that gap-tooth Strahan is staying away.

    That won't keep him from doing shit like this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28wC06aiqwg

    I was actually looking for his Right Guard (Flakey White Stuff) commercial or his "more meat!" Subway commercial with that nerdy douche, Jared.

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  6. DR correspondent, Pretty Toney, has informed me that my dream of being able to sport a Mark Kotsay jersey (i.e., if he were on the Phillies) almost came true. However, the fucking Red Sox grabbed him for more money. Just one more reason to hate the Bosox. Would have been a great pickup as the pennant race heats up.

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  7. Why are Sayeh and I the only readers of the DR? Why are Chief Naka and Big Firm the only staff that contribute? Yes, Flintskins, I'm calling you out...Especially since you are usually a reliable source when it comes to the Mets.

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  8. I'm pretty sure I can get a restraining order based on your commenting frequency.

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  9. Please do. Even sadder is that I check the DR multiple times a day.

    How about you write a post rather than responding to my comments about other peoples' posts, you useless piece of crap.

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