Monday, January 7, 2008

Oh Britney

Yeah, sure, the NFL Playoffs are important. And some people not named me might care about tonight's NCAA football title game. But the real news doesn't involve Sammy's recent trip to the mutter museum, or even the Phillies signing Jayson Werth to a new one year deal. The REAL NEWS (sit down before reading forward) is: BRITNEY SPEARS IS DONE-ZO. I know, I know, so hard to accept. I mean it was just yesterday she was singing about teenage love and making nasty with reptiles on national tv. It's as though the world blinked and she became a meth addict. Penny Hardaway enjoyed a smoother fall from grace, and he even starred as Butch McRae before he became obsolete. But before we judge her prematurely, or even deny regrettable thoughts about her underage and pregnant sister (Flintskins you dawg), we should all take a minute and consider how we, as DR loyalists, can help. I'm no doctor, but here goes...

Perhaps Some Musical Therapy: I know when I'm considering kidnapping my children, or shaving my head, nothing soothes my soul like a little jazz. Can you say SAXSATIONAL?! Sprinkle in some prescription drugs, a bottle of whatever, and some mood lighting...well Britney is sure to find inner peace. And if that doesn't work, there's always french rap. BALANCE TOI!

Some Light Reading: As a wannabe journalists myself, I must commend anyone who keeps an online journal. But, as a DR contributing editor, I am hesitant to applaud a blog that undoubtedly steals our audience. But Young Thad has a message for the American youth that can not be ignored, Britney included. His sentences carry powerful metaphors, and we should not be afraid to end each and every paragraph of life w/ an exclamation point (!!!!). In fact, on October 7th, Young Thad almost did the unthinkable and ended every sentence w/ an exclamation point. It appears that one year of remedial english at the Georgia Institute of Technology will teach you the art of enthusiasm. That and how to get a female DJ pregnant. And if those words of inspiration aren't enough, may I personally suggest embracing the the work of the the one person possibly crazier than Britney herself.

A little Exercise Never Hurt Anyone: I don't know about you out there, but when building sand castles at the beach gets old, I like to throw a football w/ my left hand and watch the hilarity ensue. Of course it's only funny to pretend I am either gay or retarded, and I'm naturally right-handed - apparently Thad is unfamiliar w/ that game - But the point being, Britney could only benefit from a light workout. Not only would her self-image improve, but her thighs' stand to benefit as well. And when britney is fit, we as a nation are fit. Come on Britney, fight the good fight!

And remember: If this guy can get served at Geno's without being verbally abused, surely you can stop being a raging little whore.

3 comments:

  1. Amazing, one minute I'm dreaming of a Young Thad blog and the next I'm reading it and realizing it is written by a total moron. I should be more careful about what I wish for. Big Firm deserves credit for shining a light on why the GFS boys basketball team won so few games from 1996-1998: because the Saxsational coach was more concerned with incorporating rap, r&b, dance(what the f?!!?), and smooth jazz than in coaching basketball. Can't blame him in the end, seems like he's doing really well for himself. Incredible post.

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  2. Let me know when Coach Kev has a website, I might care then.

    Britney is just about at that stage of rock bottom where she would seriously consider going out with me. I hope she keeps it up.

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