Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Why Can't Us!

If one were to list all the things I've hoped for over the course of my life, and compare them to which of those things have actually come to pass, the resultant fraction would be even smaller than the Bul Bubak's penis. (I know it's hard to believe, but it's true). From my unrequited 2-year-old's dream of hammering nails into the head of Stand Watie, to my futile desire for the affections of Alicia Humphries, to my hubristic attempts at securing a new job and a raise, my life has been a series of bitter disappointments and broken dreams. And that's before we even start talking about the sports teams. I don't expect pity for this; indeed, as Philly fans know, perpetual misanthropy is a part of our DNA. If we ever got what we wanted, what would we have to complain about?

As fans, we're oftent pilloried as a bunch of naysayers who always expect the worst. Well, the reason we expect the worst is that the worst is what usually happens. When Big Firm emailed me to say that he wanted no part of a Game 5 ticket, he explained his stance by pointing out that if the Phillies got swept, there would be no Game 5 for him to go to. I don't blame him for this mindset - if he thought any other way, I'd call him an idiot for not learning anything from the previous 3 decades of failure.

We all know about the heartbreaks of the '93 Philles, the '01 Sixies, the '04 Eagles and whatever the fuck year it was that the Flyers lost to whoever they lost to. As a fanbase, our suffering has become a joke; a played-out punchline for professional bloviators who have nothing else to talk about. To us, it's less something we think about than a foreboding desperation we feel in the very core of our bones whenever one of our teams verges on the edge of success. It seeps into every corner of our lives, whether we're watching sports or not.

But here's the thing about life in general, and sports especially. Fanhood is like that really gay Chumbawumba song that DVDubs no doubt listens to on a daily basis: We Get Knocked Down, But We Get Up Again. Why do we keep getting back up? Why do we continue to bleed Phillies red and Eagles green and Sixers black (unless it's those super dope cream throwbacks)? Why do we continue, in the face of what feel like insurmountable odds, to hope?

It's because we can!

Nothing can stop us from hoping! Not 25 years of championship futility, not 8 years of Bush's presidency, not even repeated rejections from attractive women! Because, at the end of the day, this time just might be the time that she says yes. Or at least doesn't throw a drink on you and kick you in the balls.


  1. I would like to point out that I SPECIFICALLY SAID "no chance we get swept" or something to that end. I'm a pessimist, indeed, but blinded by my love this October for the Phillies. Why early results from this game have me even appreciating Pedro Feliz. Regardless, good point, fuck it, we can win, we will riot, and I will loot all the stores on Market Street that sell incredible draft day suits. See you Gs in Philly!

  2. Diablo Cody,

    1. I think we all futile desire for the affections of Alicia Humphries.

    2. I am a yeasayer... and a falcon.

    3. Tra would have screamed through the drive-through intercom at that Burger KING to put extra tartar sauce on his fish meet.

    4. Why are singling me out as a Chumbawumba fan? The only song I like by them is this:

    I can also get down with Grunka Lunka:

    Great win by the Phils last night. The left a lot of cuzzes/kings/dogs/eses/mugs and buls stranded on base, but the got it done nonetheless. I'm damn excited.

    And finally, Diablo Grande, your life isn't that disappointing; not very disappointing at all. You have a good job (where you make more than I make in 5 years), a great special lady-friend, a slew of homies, a loving family, a stinky but good dog, and a Phillies team in the World fuckin' Series....So stop calling like a falcon. Plus, you have plenty of time still to bang nails into the head of Stand Watey.

    Go Phils tonight!

    PS. Do you think my professors, students, and people I interact with for the film festival will accept the excuse, "Fuck you, the Phillies are in the World Series."

  3. Editing:

    1. Add a "had a" before futile.

    4. Insert "you" before singling.

    "Me fail english..That's umpossible."

  4. Dvdubs,

    As ALWAYS, I agree with everything you say,and do not appreciate the recnent beating members of the DR are giving their most loyal reader! And thank you for reminding mr. grande that his life does not suck THAT bad.


    1. You are really stepping your blog game up. I'm impressed.

    2. What on EARTH are you going to talk shit about if the Phils win?? I'm afraid to say this, but you might just actually have to give in and abandon the self/hometeam loathing, and be, dare I say it?, HAPPY??? This should be interesting.

    3. Go Phils!