Friday, January 4, 2008

Year of the Haitian.....Canadian

While currently difficult to view with a naked eye, and much like the Sixers themselves, The Dalembert Report is undergoing some construction. Rebuilding, in a sense. New Years resolutions have been made, most notably a commitment to consistently provide you readers with the most current news and musings courtesy of your dedicated DR staff. Editor-In-Chief Eldiablogrande, drunk with power (and probably malt liquor, MD 2020 and/or mouthwash) has handed down this edict, and fearing for our safety, we have acquiesced. So, both on the court and on the interweb, I hereby proclaim this to be the year of Sammy D. Act accordingly, and bookmark this shit now.

In staffing news, continuing the trend set forth since this blog's inception, the readership has once again slightly dwindled with the recruitment of the Dalembert Report family's newest addition: DR loyalist Big Firm. A simple man, Firm's dedication to Philly, Sports, NAACP-related hijinks, Waffle House and staying vigilant make him a more than welcome addition to the dinner table. So, come along for the ride with us as the DR undergoes major changes this year. 2007's 0.21 post-per-day average will be at least doubled this year, which will bring much joy to the hearts of the anonymous commenters who felt the need to say hurtful things to us within the comments section of 2007's final post…..which admittedly occurred in November.

Now, with the administrative business out of the way, I stumbled across a great, albeit short, tale of rookie abuse courtesy of none other than our own patriarch, Samuel Davis Dalembert. During a Q&A session with the Philadelphia Inquirer's own Marc Narducci, Sixers rookie and tall cracker Jason Smith was asked the following question:

"As a rookie, part of your job is doing favors for the veterans. Any that stand out?"

Smith, obviously unfamiliar with popular "Stop Snitching" campaigns, or general dignity, chose to offer the following to Narducci, and by extension, the Philadelphia Metropolitan area:

"Sam [Dalembert] forgot his computer on this road trip, and he is using my computer on the flights. How can you go on a West Coast trip and forget your computer?"

First, you get taken for your laptop, and as if that wasn't bad enough, you go running to the newspaper whining about it. I think it's plainly clear to all of us that Slammin Sammy didn't "forget" anything, he just knows a mark ass buster when he sees one, and despite his own riches is not above running up on someone and juxing them for their macbook. It's simply how Port-Au-Prince rolls. What Smith probably doesn't realize is that Sammy, beast with a PC that he is, is probably in the midst of hooking up some virus in his computer which will cause an animated Sammy D to appear out of nowhere and smack the shit out of the cursor every time he attempts to move it. Which would be amazing, and I think we can all agree would be a virus any one of us would be proud to contract.

But I digress.

To reiterate, expect big things from the DR this year. It's going to get bigger, badder, and most importantly the frequency of updates will be awe-inspiring. Do me (and Sammy D) a favor though, don't ignore the comments sections. We all have very fragile egos, and knowing that someone actually reads the drivel we write makes us slightly less likely to go the Hemingway route, unless of course that's the route you've been waiting for us to take, in which case, carry on. However, should you listen to this pathetic plea and add your $0.02 to a story or two, you never know, you too could see your name added to the ever-expanding list to the right. And THAT'S when you get the women.

Oh, and I almost forgot, Happy New Year, bitches.


  1. I resent the attack on retarded Americans. Oh wait, I mean applaud. Well done. Three days of consistent posting makes this DR reader proud to support your mission.

  2. Retards prefer to be called 'special' you insensitive waterhead.

    Thanks for your support.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. that pic is amazing. where and how can i get myself a haiti windbreaker?

  5. May I suggest the following:,21,23_3/forms/shopping/*ws4d-db-query-QuickShow?windHaiti

  6. Since BigMarth is having a shitfit because of the nickname i chose for her, i will speak on behalf. I just gave big marth the name bigmarth and she responded by breaking all of my fingers. luckily, i am clive owen so i, in turn, stabbed my hand and subsequently stabbed her and all her cronies in the face and groin.

    so if you were wondering, thats where big marth is.

  7. i know this is not the place for internal domestic squabbles so all i will say is that i wrote a whole comment and asked the condescending 17 yr old who inhabits and infests my world for help in sending it and not only did she DELETE it but she gave me a name i hate and then told me it is written in cyber-stone so i should just get over it.

    flintskins and big firm have started off the new Dalembert Report with a major drum roll. i read every word. and when on about every sixth sentence i actually knew what they were talking about it made me LOL. YES. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!
    and even if the term makes you cringe, the sentiment should warm and encourage your young writerly hearts.
    keep up the good work. i will be checking every day.

  8. hellooo-oooo
    i'm here, waiting to do some hardcore fragile-ego-bolstering but--

    wheeeere iiis the beef???