Thursday, September 18, 2008

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Moron

I must come clean: Back when he was hitting .220 I was ready to trade Ryan Howard for minor-league pitching prospects. I was blinded by the K's and the batting average and felt confident that forty home runs and the accompanying rbi's were not worth the historic strikeout rate and clumsy glove. It sure looks like I was a moron, and I couldn't be happier about it.

It's weird being a moron. I really thought I was right. If I was a moron two months ago does that mean I still am? Can I learn from my mistakes? This interests me a lot these days, the idea of morons seeing the light, repenting for their moronism, and becoming smarter, more useful human beings. Now that I have successfully emerged from my own tragic addiction to stupidity I'd like to help others do the same. Here's who I'm looking to help first:
DeSean Jackson: Some might be upset that I'm looking to in any way tamper with such a dazzling football talent. Let me assure you I am not interested in changing DeSean the football player, just DeSean the moron. I hope there's a difference. In short, letting go of the football, by choice, the moment BEFORE crossing the goal line, is without a doubt the dumbest act possible within the sport. It's the royal flush of football stupidity. Can't be topped, trumped, or touched. I will tell this to DeSean and, with the help of a hypnotist, attempt to lodge this fact deep into his subconscious for as long as he plays football in Philadelphia.

Michael Richards(Kramer): This guy could use some help these days, considering that his career and public life is flowing predictably to the sewage plant for treatment, having been flushed down the toilet of racial stupidity last year. Fifty years ago a black heckler might have, in Kramer's lunatic rant, been hung upside down with a fork in his ass, but in 2008 any white celeb dumb enough to yell the n-word to a black man is the one with the fork in his pasty backside. And for good reason. Black comics can crack on us(white folks) all day, and they do. And it's pretty funny most of the time. But until a white comedian talented and bold and intelligent enough to try the same comes along, and is successful at it, that is, can make a black audience laugh using race, the n-word and others like it are off limits. But back to Kramer. First I'd .....hmmmm.....well......Kramer's finished.

McNabb Haters:
He got sick in the Super Bowl. He throws the ball into the turf sometimes. He fumbled and took a bad sack on Monday. I get it haters, you don't think Don has "it", that secret ingredient to greatness that Elway and Brady and Brett Favre have. I agree in one sense: he definitely doesn't have "it" if "it" refers to a stud receiver or a punishing, reliable running game. I also agree that McNabb doesn't always play great in big moments, as evidenced by a couple NFC Championship games, the Super Bowl, and his mediocre Chunky Soup commercials. But wake up and smell the Vitamin Water. Ten years in Philly and he's had a great receiver for exactly twenty-one games. Andy Reid hates running the ball and has never looked to take pressure off McNabb by throwing less. He's had serious injuries(that he's played through) that have slowed him considerably at various times. But the dude is good. Often really good. Please just admit that. If you choose to fight me further you will be forced to join me at my house to watch one-hundred hours of eagles game tape from the 90's that feature previous QB's Jeff Kemp, Rodney Peete, Ty(and Koy) Detmer, Bubby Brister, Bobby Hoying, Doug Pederson, and Mike McMahon. Please don't make me do that.

Clinton Supporters Voting For McCain: Are you fucking serious? Get off your weird ego trip and stop being so prideful. Hillary herself told you to (wo)man up and keep it Democratic. Do you want to make Hillary even more upset?!?! Imagine if Sarah Palin becomes President? Hillary will go postal, shoot up a shopping mall, and spend the rest of her life making license plates.

Everyone else supporting McCain: I know you crazies are serious. I don't think you can be convinced to vote for Barack Obama with facts or reason, since that hasn't worked so far. Vote for McCain if you must, but if he wins I'm smashing cars and houses, and they might belong to you, and too bad.

That's right, The DR is getting political folks, so get used to unfair and unbalanced insight into the dramatic theater that is the presidential election.