Monday, September 29, 2008

Return of the Jedi

I should've known. All throughout the summer there were signs, spread like so many breadcrumbs leading us through the forest of the regular season into the heavenly light of playoff baseball. So's improbable double. Myers' inexplicable resurgence. Billy Wagner's arm turning to fettucine. When the Phils reacquired Tadahito Iguchi's translator, the writing was on the wall. It was a move that smacked of celestial meddling, of the guidance of invisible hand. This morning, the proof was in my inbox - Kaoru Obuchi was back on the scene!

"Hello, Sam. This is Kaoru from Japan. I read a Japanese newspaper this morning and I knew Phillies won the victory of east division again. I was pleased very much!Of course Sam was pleased very much, too, I think. Unfortunately, I cannot go to Philadelphia this year, but I'll watch Phillies' game on TV. Absolutely, Phillies will become world champions this year!!!"

I assume that Kaoru has by now amassed a posse of dedicated Japanese Phillies fans, virtuous in mind, unwavering in support, and tenuous in grasp of English. And I imagine at this very moment they are concentrating their collective mental powers across the globe, into a modest home somewhere in the suburbs of Philadelphia where a genial and corpulent old man sits in a rocking chair contemplating his playoff roster. They're telling him, gently, that we have neither the time not the inclination to watch Geoff Jenkins bumble about in right field. We want So on that wall. We NEED So on that wall. So do the right thing Charlie. Do it for Japan!


  1. I'm as happy as a pig in shit (more of a reality and less of a metaphor than it should be) that the Phirries are National laaaygue East Champs. I was in attendance, as was Flintskins (two hot dogs on Amorosso 'everything but the" rolls and many beers deep) when J-"everything but the" Roll made the splendid diving grab to turn two for the clincher. It was glorious.

    I am optimistic about the Phightins going deeper into the playoffs this year than last, but it is going to take contributions from our many role-players, (not so) cleverly nicknamed below:

    Eric Cuntlet and his flesh colored beard, or Sub-Gum Lo Mein
    Tadahito "don't call me Taguchi" Iguchi and his interpreter
    Gerg "That's not a ball; gimme a real ball" dnn-dn-d-d-dn-dnnnnnnnn Roy Hobbs Dobbs
    Ryan Michael Madsen
    Matt "I think there are some more rooms down-" Stairs
    Clay Aiken Condrey
    So Terrible Taguchi
    Greg Molson Golson
    Scott Jane Eyre
    Geoff Albert Bolinski Jenkins

    In addition to the solid, necessary contributions of our "carriers," we will need strong coaching decisions from Charlie "I say, I say" Manuel, Rich Duce & Pass Doobie, and Olerud Helmet Davey "I'm a SAG actor" Lopes.

    I hope it all falls into place. Go Phils.

  2. I respectfully request that you, in turn, post your emails to Kauro. It will only help complete this all too amazing story. I say we all pick a team in Japan, adopt them as ours, and then surprise our favorite little friend when they make the playoffs.

  3. Good idea? It's a great idea. I love the idea. An idea on par with Big Firm; Man or machine?

    I must meet the great Kauro one day.

    I call the Hiroshima Carp.

    PS. Add Peter Happy to my list from my previous response. How could I forget about Peter Happy.

  4. Sad day Cots, Greg Golson didn't make the playoff roster....well, it doesn't seem like he did, it doesn't actually become official until tomorrow morning....