Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Andy Reid Farted. Smells Like McNabb.

A slow-developing weather pattern has been building in size and increasing in strength over the greater Philadelphia region. This freakish cloud formation reeks of gaseous Mormon fart and moves with the ferocious hastiness of a shotgun wedding in Utah. It hangs low in the air and curls the nose hairs of every resident who's unlucky enough to be in its path. It grows fatter by the day, redder by the hour, and funkier by the minute. It's Hurricane Andy and it's impervious to levees of common sense or embankments of intelligence. And it's threatening to destroy my enjoyment of Eagles football this year and beyond.

To be honest, this huge Sasquatch turd of coaching has been on my front porch for years now, waiting to be removed. For various reasons I kept believing the emergency hazmat squad would arrive and magically turn this eye-sore into a beautiful fountain of victory. But I'm losing hope these fellas will ever show up. I'm starting to think the only way to get rid of this monstrosity is to set it ablaze and let it burn off into the atmosphere. Only then can I enjoy sitting on my porch again, while drinking lemonade and watching reruns of The Golden Girls.

Why am I so mad? How can the Eagles make me upset so soon after the glorious Phillie championship? Well, life goes on, and even gentle Corky Thacher would have been punching walls in frustration during Sunday's loss to the Giants.

The Phillies championship means I'm willing to give a bit of a pass, TO THE PHILLIES. For a few months. And yes, while it satisfied a very basic hunger that hadn't been satisfied in my lifetime guess what, I'm hungry again!! Is it really realistic to care less about the Eagles, Sixers, and Flyers just because the Phils won? Everybody is entitled to their own opinion on this topic, but I've chosen to continue my existence as an often irrational and always emotional spectator of sports.

So back to the topic, the Andy Reid era and how it should be wrapped up as soon as possible. Let me be clear: Andy Reid did A LOT for this organization. He built a consistent contender after arriving and assuming control of the festering outhouse Ray Rhodes had left. He ignored local pressure to draft Ricky Williams and resisted re-signing various popular veterans, choosing instead to build how he saw fit, which valued cheap youth over expensive experience. He increased cheesesteak consumption 150% during his first 5 years here, basically propelling the local economy forward all by himself. By 2004 he was nearly bulletproof in this town, and while not quite adored he was hard to question when it came to football decisions. He won, a lot, and that's all that matters.

Well here we are in 2008 and the fact is, the Eagles don't win very much anymore. In fact they lose quite a bit. In painful fashion, due to head-scratching methods. With bungled execution by questionable talent, whom Andy drafted I should point out. His clock management causes one to wonder if the clock he uses to dictate the pace and precision of his two-minute drill is the sun. His play-calling would seem absurd if it occurred during a game of Madden'08. And his use of challenges is somewhere between this and this on the stupidity scale. His first challenge on Sunday was the most misguided challenge since Gregory Hines told Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandman they had no legs(please watch at least the first 3 minutes).

I'm tired of losing every time we play a good team. Getting out-coached has gotten old. And this is no longer a coincidence, or bad luck, or simply a weird unexplainable mystery. We are not very good, and haven't been for years. We can't do didly-poo and we suck. This falls to Andy, and to a lesser degree to Don. Whom I will address at a later time.

As for the Sixers, I'm giving them a twenty-game observation period free of serious critique or hand-wringing. I think it's natural for a team with a crucial new piece to take awhile to get going. Remember when we added Glenn Robinson, how it took some time to totally mesh? Oh fuck.

Word on Everybody's Mind: Douchebag
Has anybody else noticed how douchebag has become the pejorative de jour among young peoples these days? I was reminded via Big Firm's last post featuring the photo of Revenge of The Nerds, simple one of the greatest movies of all-time, and the movie that introduced me to the word douchebag. It also introduced me to frontal female nudity, the awesomeness of Booger, and the potential for excitement when Asian men drink heavily.
This movie should be required viewing for all seven year-old boys. Anyway, how has douche re-appeared so prominently and will it last through the Obama administration? Regardless, Andy Reid is a huge fucking douche.


  1. Ahhh, there are so many amazing things about this post:

    First, fiur Andy Reid, cuz. He can't do didley-poo.
    You don't stand a fuckin' chance, nerd.

    The clip of Miss South Carolina never gets old-so funny- and subtitles make it even better.

    Also, I love Booger:

    And I sure as hell love Jefferson:



    We'll see if McNabb is up to the challenge. "Challenge? Challenge!"

  2. I have always been an Andy apologist, but in this case I must agree with Chief Nak. I am sick of losing close games dude to poor play calling, horrendous clock management and inane challenges. I agree we owe Andy a debt of gratitude, but can't we give him a cushy front office job as a piece of Joe Banner's furniture and bring in Steve Spagnuolo to kick ass?

  3. 1. All the Fart language in the first part of this post was really just perfect. I was trying to hold it together in my cube at the image of nose hairs curling.

    2. Take a quantum of solace in that at least your entire team isn't falling apart while your quarterback heals from a heinous pinky injury.