Sunday, February 25, 2007

Specifics on Draft Pick, Alan Henderson, and Juqua Thomas

Hello Sixers fans,

The Dalembert Report is dedicated to bringing you the information you need to know. With that in mind, we journey to the far end of the internets to find, retrieve, and spit shine the little nuggets of sports minutia you can't live without. Here's what we found out today:

As relates to the NBA draft: The Denver pick which the Sixers own is protected if it becomes the 1st pick. This sucks. It's also a minor miracle that Billy King didn't agree to protect it through the first 50 picks of the draft. We'll settle for Denver missing the playoffs and getting the 2nd pick, and hope our own pick becomes the 1st.

As relates to the trade of Alan Henderson: That's right folks, we even take the time and brain power to report on matters as unimportant and nondescript as Alan Henderson. The actual sentence-As relates to the trade of Alan Henderson-will never appear again in any media outlet in any language at any time for the rest of time, so consider this a historic moment in blogging. Back to the point, last week the Sixers traded Alan Henderson, a solid 2-3 minute player with the kind of knee braces that could hold up a sequoia tree in a windstorm, to the Utah Jazz in a strange deal. We traded him for the right to swap second round picks in this years draft. What's strange is the fact that the Jazz are good and the Sixers are bad, and the Sixers pick will clearly be much higher. The trade appears pointless but smells fishy. So, we asked Phil Jasner, long-time Daily News beat writer and big-time Sammy D fan for his opinion. Here's what he said:

there's much more to it. it's complicated, and i don't have all the information yet. when i do, it will be in the paper." **

You heard it here first, when Phil Jasner figures it out, he will write about it in the paper. Then we'll read it, put it here and take credit for it. Stay tuned.

As relates to QB's getting sacked: Another piece of reporting done here and only here(not counting reporting done by internet and newspaper people) relates to one of my favorite football players: Juqua Thomas. Not only is his name a simple reminder of the joy of Q as a letter, but some of my favorite memories of the Eagles season don't involve Jeff Garcia or Brian Westbrook, by golly they involve Juqua. Sack after sack he would rise from the fallen quarterback and I would yell out "Jew-kway!!!" with a mixture of surprise and excitement that only a unheralded and previously unknown player with a Q in his name could provide. Anywho, his pending free agency has caused me many a sleepless night and my fingernails are down to the nub. But, I'm here to report that he WILL be back with the Eagles in 2007 and beyond. It's been agreed upon. I'm in the know. I know. It's a done deal. Now if we can just sign Dante Stallworth, everything will be cool. Until training camp starts and idiot Eagles fans start booing McNabb.

**actual quote from Phil Jasner word is bond

Well Done Boys!!

Tired Legs and Mental Fatigue Pay Off For Sixers

A post-All-Star season that began so ominously with a demoralizing win over the Knicks last Wednesday rebounded with the buoyancy of Sammy D's singing voice, as the Sixers posted two brilliant losses to fellow basement-dwellers over the weekend.

Back-to-back blowouts to Charlotte and Milwaukee did more than just solidify, if only for a day or so, our envious lottery position. More important than numbers is the statement we made: "We are STILL committed to losing to bad teams and NOT afraid of under-performing and casual losing streaks".

These statements come as a relief to millions of Sixers fans who began to
assume the worst, that this team is beginning to grow and develop a year too soon for their own good. We'll see if they stay true to their word and keep up this impressive showing through next week, when they have a slate of dangerous and winnable games on tap.

As for Sammy, he shot 7-10 in thirty minutes of playing time, scoring 15 points(made his only free throw!! Good focus Sam!), procuring 6 rebounds, hacking up the opposition only once, and committing 3 turnovers. I didn't see the entire game and cannot make an accurate estimate for his Dalembert count, but 5 is always is a good solid guess. Lastly, he extended his streak of having more fouls(1) than assists(0) to a whopping 343 games.

Friday, February 23, 2007

We Love You Rakeem

I was just perusing the interweb today when I came across a video from one of my very favorite artists that I thought I would share with all you loyal Dalembert Report enthusiasts. Hint: the best part is the chorus.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Fantastic New Product

Being an NBA superstar is not as easy as you think.

Most people imagine my life would be all about hanging out in TGI Fridays and playing Guitar Hero 2, when in actuality Coach Cheeks makes me show up at practice every day we don't have a game. And sometimes those practices are early in the morning. How do I manage such a hectic schedule? Well, let's just say that ever since I was alerted to this new alarm clock... morning practices have been a lot smoother. Just like my jumper (hehehe).

Big ups to my man Jed for hooking me up with extra bacon.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Sam on Guns, Drugs, and Stormy Weather

This interview was conducted this morning in Sammy D's living room over a brunch of fruit loops, lo mein, and pomegranate juice.

Me: Hey Sam, eating healthy today, huh?
Sam: Always man, everyday. Gotta keep my spirits high with delicious food.

Me: What do you think about Andy Reid's sons, who do heroin and carry guns?

Sam: In Haiti we call those kids middle schoolers. Here in America they are arrested and put in jail. If I had to give them any advice, I would say to Britt and Garrett, hey guys put yourself to use, join a militia somewhere and let the drugs and guns work for you and not against.

Me: Sam, are you condoning drug abuse and violence?

Sam: What do you mean?

Me: Do you condone people doing hard drugs and carrying guns?

Sam: No, I never use condoms, no matter how many drugs or guns are present.

Me: I think you misunderstood my question......I meant....let's just move on. Tough game tonight against Washington. Any specific tactics to stop Gilbert Arenas?

Sam: Yes, he likes to talk during the game, so Mo(Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks) gave out homework last night to the team. Every starter has to come to the game with 5 disparaging remarks about Gilbert's mother, grandmother, and sexual orientation. The subs must have 2. This way the whole team will talk to him all game and make him angry and impotent. If this doesn't work, Mo says we will play zone. Very strong game plan tonight.

Me: Bad weather today. How is it driving for you in the snow and ice?
Sam: No problem at all. I now have insurance so accidents are no worry. I will probably drive my new Prius tonight.

Me: You have a Prius?! That's great! You're interested in better gas mileage and saving the environment?
Sam: No. My favorite uncle was named Prius. He was killed by a car. I think this is my way of spending time with him. Fuck you for making me sad.

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't know....
Sam: Get out.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Dalembert(new NBA stat, official as of 2007)

Dalembert: "a shot, foul, or play of any sort that results in disaster but begins with the highest of hopes and best of intents, most precisely conducted by Samuel Dalembert of the 76ers in his joyous quest for victory."(NBA rulebook.Article 6 Section12).

Samuel Dalembert is currently leading the league in this stat, with an unofficial count of 278. It would be his fourth consecutive Dalembert crown.

Part 2: The League

Samuel Dalembert was drafted by The Philadelphia 76ers with the 26th pick in the First Round of the 2001 draft. Twenty-Six also happened to be the same number of blocks and turnovers he had in his last college game, a loss in the East regionals of the NCAA tournament.

For Samuel, numbers have always had a mystic significance. He immediately saw the connection between him and his new team, commenting on draft day how 76 had long been a number of importance in his life. When pressed for details, he offered only this cryptic response: "76 man. Good number man. The rooster and the blood. Good number man."

Upon arriving at training camp he quickly claimed the uniform number 1, representing the amount of money he had when he arrived in America, and which he immediately spent on three bags of bar-B-Q chips and a cherry hug.

Always humble, his rookie season proved a long test of his endurance as a basketball player and a man. Playing 177 minutes all season, he mostly got in at the end of blowouts and missed ferocious dunk attempts between overzealous sprints up and down the court. His hunger for playing time manifested itself in a zealous approach to shot-blocking that would characterize his early days in the league. No shots were safe, not even shots that were already in the hoop and falling through the net. His energy and enthusiasm was magnetic and he became a welcome sight for all Sixers fans ; as he hopped off the bench and bounded into the game, sometimes so focused and excited he forgot to remove his warm-ups and ties his sneakers, the crowd would buzz and the now-familiar "Sammmmmmy D!!" war call could be heard bouncing off the rafters and towards the floor.

Injuries curtailed a sophomore season destined for steady progress and momentarily weakened his passion for the game. During the long months of rehab and boredom he became obsessed with hair and collecting pokemon cards, often spending thousands of dollars a week on new hair styles for himself and rare pokemon cards from Japan. A hastily organized retreat to Las Vegas with teammate Allen Iverson got his mind back on track. Ready to live and play the right way, Sam entered 2003 in a groove.

While not officially a stat until the 2006-2007 season, it was in 2003 that "Dalemberts" became a important reference point for Sixers fans of all ages. Recognized as "a shot, foul, or play of any sort that results in disaster but begins with the highest of hopes and best of intents, most precisely conducted by Samuel Dalembert of the 76ers in his eager pursuit of victory"(NBA rulebook.Article 6 Section12), Sammy repeatedly smashed his own records and left the stat book in tatters.

Over the next three years Sam would perplex the fanbase with his sporadic play, often causing grown men to shake their heads in disbelief at his temerity at both ends of the floor, yet simultaneously showing brief flashes of breathtakingly solid play that quieted his critics for entire quarters at a time. What makes Sam special is his likability. Whether he's fouling Tim Duncan from behind as he dunks at the end of a close game or grabbing a rebound off the rim a split second before it's about to go in, for his own team, Sam Dalembert is always our friend, our smiling spokesman, our talisman of hope and dreams.

He is now entering a new phase in his career, one that sees him as perhaps the most important player in the organization, a terrifying and amazing idea to most Sixer fans. Should his progress continue, should the talent harness itself as we all assume it will, then the Sixers future will be brighter than a Haitian New Years. Should he somehow fall short of the expectations and merely settle for explosive and fun mediocrity, well then the future of the franchise could get darker than Halloween in Camden. Sam's favorite holiday, in case you didn't know, is July 6th. The Dalai Lama's Birthday. 7/6. If that doesn't reassure all you Sixers fans out there, nothing will. Except Oden/Durant.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Happy Birthday Sixers Fans!

This is too great.

Sammy should definately accompany Hip Hop and the dance team to all future birthday events.

I Should Have Drafted Anna Nicole Smith

Like many of you, I've really been saddened by the untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith. Many of my teammates have asked whether I knew her, as she lived on Grand Bahama Island which, like my native Haiti, is an island in the Caribbean. No people, I did not know Anna Nicole is what I say. Besides, I continue, despite the fact that they are indeed both islands in the Caribbean, Grand Bahama Island and Haiti are nowhere near each other. "Then Sammy", they ask me, "why are you so despondent over her untimely demise?" Because I should have drafted her for my Fantasy Death Pool team, that's why. Fuck a duck.

We play the Clippers tonight. Hopefully I can ameliorate my frustration by blocking a shot directly into Sam Cassell's alien-shaped head.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

A Brief History

For Those Who Have No Idea-

Samuel Dalembert was born in a undisclosed location in Haiti, sometime in the early 1980's. His early life, from all accounts, consisted of gangly attempts at all things, including potty-training and hand fishing. By age 10 he stood six feet tall and weighed 62 pounds. By 14 his moustache had filled in nicely and complimented his 6'8 frame to a degree. Still, manhood stood a ways off. After catching the eye of a roving jai alai coach one day after school, Sam Dalembert's journey to America began. Initially viewed as a prodigy at sugar cane harvesting, due to his towering height and the wingspan of a crop duster, Sam took up jai alai as an afterthought. Quickly he became a local legend, known around the region as much for his irrespressible spirit as for his laser-beam throws and wild, totally unpredictable game instincts. Spotted by coach Garvard Ichinamtre one day afterschool, Sam was recruited to play on a traveling team of local all-stars. It was during a trip to the city of Port Au Prince that Sam first saw a basketball in flight and, legend has it, blocked it into the ocean. From there the story takes on a magical quality. High school in New Jersey saw Sam thrive like never before, as he learned how to accept free gifts and money from recruiters, tried out for the marching band, and ate three square meals a day for the first time in his life. He even had some luck with the American girls, which he most definitely appreciated. A year at Seton Hall University furthered his Americanization and included three tattoos, two expensive diamond filled crosses, and a son. By the time the Philadelphia 76ers drafted him in the first round on the 2001 draft, he was a man, a man on a mission. Stay tuned for part two of the Dalembert Backstory: (Goal) Tending A Pro.

Big Game Tonight

We're playing the Charlotte Bobcats tonight at the Wack Center. This should be a hard-fought game as they are one of our main competitors for lottery position. It’s absolutely imperative that we finish with the worst or second worst record in the league, as this would give us the best chance to draft either Kevin Durant or Greg Oden.

Ordinarily I'd be pretty confident about our ability to "win" (lose) this game, but ever since we traded away Iverson and CWebb our team has been playing disturbingly well. Okay, maybe not “well”, but we certainly have not been sucking as much as one would hope. Especially myself. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've really been tearing shit up of late. So we're gonna really have to play like shit tonight if we’re to have any hope of “winning”. I'm hoping to set the tone early by goaltending a few shots and picking up three personals in the first quarter.

No, stupid, the "T" is silent.

Both of them.