Sunday, August 24, 2008

Nervous As Hell at 4am

At some point last night, as I drank Tecate and argued, position by position, the Eagles roster versus the Redskins roster with 'Skin loyalist Mr. Mo, we stumbled upon the knowledge that the gold medal basketball game would be starting at 2:30am. As the case of Tecate dwindled and our discussion widened to include an impressive range of topics(rap and girls), 2:30am began to sound plausible, doable even.

A quick stop at Dirty Franks ended in disaster: a carefully chosen Phil Collins medley was abruptly cut short as last call rang out, the tantalizing beginning of Easy Lover our only reward for several beers and three dollars in the jukebox. My blood boiling, I arrived home awake, invigorated, and ready for a galloping procession of alley-oops courtesy of Team USA. What I got instead was two hours of heart attack. A brief review:

The Opponent:
Team Spain, whom the US crushed by 37 points just last week, played a very strong game. That should not be a surprise since, judging from their size and personal hygiene, Team Spain was created when Bigfoot impregnated Rebecca Lobo. Huge, hairy, and possessing an irksome sneer that quickly hardened my patriotic dislike of all Spanish people, this team refused to go away. The hideous Gasol brothers did damage inside while pre-pubescent Ricky Rubio and Portland bound Rudy Fernandez slashed and scored. Every time the US would get a comfortable lead of 10 or more Spain would respond with clutch shots and ugly facial expressions. This went on for hours. They deserve credit. More importantly, can we pass a law prohibiting the Gasol family from ever procreating again? Say what you will about China's one child law, but who dares argue the world wouldn't be more aesthetically pleasing had Mama and Papa Gasol been Chinese citizens, thus saving us from the ghastly sight of Marc.

Carmelo is a Hothead Gunner:

This team, labeled the Redeem Team by the eager-to-slurp media, was fun to watch and well-behaved to boot. There's one exception: My Melo My Man, who proved that you can take the kid out of Baltimore but you can't take the insatiable urge to jack threes and start fights with less talented white guys out of the kid. Maybe Coach K instructed him to force a jumper nearly every touch he got, or maybe his teammates cheered his poor shot selection from the bench. Who knows. I do know that Carmelo, in the two games I saw, led the world in shots per minute and badly wanted to beat some European ass, as evidenced by the constant scuffling, pushing, and glaring he wasted energy on. That's not to say I didn't enjoy his antics, hell, what red-blooded American wouldn't want Andres Nocioni to get dropped with a sucker punch to the chin? but I only point out that I think Melo should stay home in 2012. Besides, by then Thaddeus Young will be the premier three in the league.

Dwayne Brought The Pain:
This dude is really good at basketball and looks ready to get back on the NBA superstar podium again. Injuries have kept Dwayne Wade off the court and hindered him when on it. It seemed like he never missed a shot.

Rooting for Kobe aka Questioning Everything:
I've now been put in the position of hoping Kobe does well twice in the past three months. I wanted his Lakers to beat Boston in the NBA Finals in June and then last night was cheering like crazy for him as he hit huge shots down the stretch. These two examples add to a theory I have already been worried about: I suck. Cheering for Kobe? Twice in one summer?!?! Terrible. I've been showering every thirty minutes and still feel dirty. But whatever, the Olympics are a different breed of competition and I openly admit I want to see the US do well, especially in basketball. JFK posed the query-ask not what your country can do for you but instead what you can do for your country-and now I respond: I have rooted for Kobe Bryant.

I end by observing the the Olympics were fun and a welcome distraction from the Phillies. The Phillies, going for the sweep tonight, will now have two weeks of full attention until the Eagles season starts. Don't fuck it up.


  1. A ridiculous game. I thought the EXACT same thing about Melo & about Wade, who to put it simply, is sick. Something tells me he is about to have a David Robinson moment when he was hurt and they got Duncan, just as Wade now has Beasley. Fuck.

    I, too, rooted for Kobe, and even Gayshaun as well. It pains me to admit as much, but no chance I'm letting Ricky motherfuckin Rubio claim basketball supremacy over the US. And yes, the Gasol brothers are hideous people. Apparently marc used to weight significantly more, which has me worried for the food supply in whatever small town he hails from. Someone needs to send those boys a razor and a lesson in breathing through one's nose.

    Go America. And as big jern says, Support the troops!

  2. PS- I know athletes never say they are happy when an opponent is injured, but something tells me Mcnabb isn't crying over Osi Umenyiora's season-ending surgery...

  3. Melo is a dick, and Dwayne Wade was extremely entertaining. He didn't talk shit; he just backwards dunked on fools through every round. He is going to be ridiculous this year.

    The only person that I wanted to see Caramelo (stretch it out-out!) was Kobe when he did that fucking index finger to the lips shit after hitting a three, which seemed pretty inappropriate to me. I'm glad that they won, but half the squad are still douches. A gold medal won't change that.

    Chief Naka, you forgot about one of my favorite players from team espana, Juan Carlos Jake Beard Kimberly Navarro. His neatly trimmed Philly beard makes him a king...Well, that, and the fact that all of the Spanish kings seem to be named Juan Carlos.

    It's sad when I applaud a player being hurt and enduring the misfortune of missing the entire season, but I hate the fucking Giants almost as much as the Cowboys, so adi-osi!

    By the way, I was recently stranded in Dallas for a night when I missed my connecting flight from Denver. As the driver of shuttle drove me like a maniac towards a seemingly impending and certain fiery death (actually going to that Mormon stronghold, the Marriot) while blasting the Cowboy's game on the radio, I wondered if I was in hell.

    Go Phils.

    Happy birthday, Tra.

  4. I meant that I wanted to see Melo punch Kobe is his stupid grill.

    The next olympic USA team will be comprised entirely of Sixers, anchored by lord Sammy (he will have to drop his foolish Canadian citizenship), and will be called the Supreme Team, or something else retarded that rhymes with Dream.

  5. Incredible win by the Phightins last night to take the Dodgies in exTRA innings. Peter Happy came through twice in the clutch and Victorino made Manny "Predator" Ramirez look like a fool by taking second on a single. Manny must think he is So Taaaaa-guuuu-chiiiii sporting 99. San Francisco DR correspondent, Vid, informed me that they have started selling Dodgers helmets with the Manny predator hair attached to the back.

    P.S. What's up with the ESPN announcer (not Joe Morgan) speaking in all of the player's native tongues in a quasi-racist manner?

  6. I couldn't have put it any better myself, I no longer have fingernails, and still haven't fully caught up on my sleep as a result of staying up till 4am watching that emotional rollercoaster of a match.

    I, also, found myself love/hating Kobe...but I do agree that the finger to the lips was the biggest douche bag move EVER. Oh well. Maybe it was to silence Big Diesel who spent a portion of the summer asking Kobe how his ass taste.

  7. Sayeh, were you in a similar paradoxical cheering situation when the US played Dirk and the Nazis, and gave them a good pounding?

    I hate Kobe. I don't know what I would do with myself if he ever joined the great American independence squad, our beloved Sixies. I think it would be like purgatory.

  8. Not at all. As far as I'm concerned, Dirk NEEDS a good pounding. Maybe HE's the best candidate to sample Shaq's rear end. That way...he may actually get to see what a championship tastes like.

    I'm so pissed at his inconsistent, non team leading German self! Pound his ass away team USA...and who better to lead the way than Kobe. We all know his penchant for anal!

  9. Anal rape, even. Kobe, tell me how paying a girl off to make an embarrassing rape charge and accompanying media frenzy disappear tastes.

  10. dearest chief,
    the next time you post on the dr, please wait until the end to implant the image of lisa lobo and big foot making the sweet into your readers mind. I'm sure that this post was very enlightening and entertaining, but I was unable to remove the sounds of lisa lobo's sweaty ass being slapped by big foot while I read it, so i was not able to be enlightened or entertained.
    love, a seriously disturbed college student.