Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Now Class, What Have We Learned Today?

Well I've learned a lot in the past ten days or so. Oddly, the Sixers are still playing, and will be playing into May. Sadly, they might not be playing past Mt. Airy May Day. But winning two games in a series we very likely could have/should have been swept in is little consolation to me at this point. See when I watch the Sixers, I lose control of all rationale. Especially once we win a game in Detroit, Sammy goes nutts in Philly, and Reggie Evans turns into Hakeem on the low block. And when logic and reason go out the door, so too does my hair, which mysteriously either falls out or gets ripped out every time Willie Green decides he wants to be Lebron. I've spent the better part of the last three days cursing at high volume and scaring my neighbors. They might just think I take American Idol very seriously, but I doubt it.

That being said, I have learned many things throughout this series, and it's time to take account of this intellectual growth.

Let's get things started with some hatred. I feel it's a great injustice to the world that Mason, the Pistons announcer, still has a job. How has Rasheed not killed this man yet? Why is it cool to stutter every time he says the word "Billups"? I refuse to believe that the Pistons are a championship team on account of his presence alone. Matt Cord is intolerable, but Mason should die...and I don't take death lightly.

Mo Cheeks has not a single coaching instinct in his well dressed body. Would it kill the man to call a timeout after a big Sheed 3 rather than after his third or fourth consecutive three? Does it make sense to take Thad out right after he comes out the gate scoring 6 or 8 straight points? Would a zone be that painful to try?

Andre Miller not only looks like Juice Goldman but he apparently has the same lift as Juice when taking a jumper. Don't get me wrong, I love Andre Miller, but every time he takes a midrange jumper, I find myself asking the age old question: What the Dilly Oh?

If I were to suit up tomorrow for the Sixers I honestly might be the third biggest threat from downtown. Bring back Willy Burton! Dana Barros must be available...

Young Thad deserves more burn and more plays designed for him. Is it me or does he score ten points almost immediately every game? I also mentioned this next point to both Chief Naka and Eldiablogrande, but to me, points he scores and points sammy mysteriously contributes just mean more than the average bucket. Is there anyway we can get the league to recognize this? Even a slight bump, like 1.5 for every point they each score would be helpful and warranted. We should all turn to Thad's blog in these tough times, undoubtedly he is giving insightful reflection, enthusiastic at that, on each and every game.

Rasheed is good. Like for realz good. Ugly like a mo, but good. If Reggie Evans could shoot threes, post up, block shots, and grow random grey spots in his hair, maybe we would be the better team. But until that happens, we might be in trouble.

Igoudala does not deserve a max deal. He has been dominated by a man who has AIDS and presumably other funny diseases. He has got to have realized that Bucho himself could take Tayshaun in the post, yet he remains incapable of putting together a solid drop step despite having a 50 lb advantage. He has allowed said AIDS patient to shoot something like 80% in this series. Iggy is a freak athlete, we can all agree on that. And he just threw down an ill dunk, which is fun to watch. But he seemingly can't get his own shot, has shitty body language, and does not deliver when we need him most. I want him back, don't get me wrong, but not if he is going to get the big(gest) bucks.

Flip Saunders has tourettes. I'm pretty sure of it. His twitch combined with his orange skin makes me very uneasy. Next thing you know Jim Eisenreich will be coaching an NBA title contender.

Jason Maxiel looks like he carries guns and years of resentment. I'm willing to bet that he has rottweilers and a rap studio in his house, not to mention a formidable posse of once high flying, then flunky college students.

When KO and Shav are in the game, we have likely lost... and there's the big guy himself. Damn.

Outside of this series, and in a nuttshell: Melo is soft and a big baby; Melo and AI are not going to win any titles; CP3 and Dwight Howard are two players I'd like to have/might suck penis to get; Same goes for Josh Smith and Joe Johnson; Kobe may be more than just a rapist, it appears he is a good basketball player too; Manu and Tony Parker probably deserve more props than I currently give them on account of my xenophobic tendencies; Pyscho T should be Obama's running mate; Ryan Howard apparently has an affection for striking out; and lastly, Brazil sounds both awesome and troubling, especially if you are Ronaldo.

And one thing has been reaffirmed: SAMMY IS A GREAT MAN. His hair tonight will help the world realize that our collective love here on the DR should extend and be embraced by the greater public. The game recap tells me that "SD" stood for "strong defense." The "LJ" was referring to a loved one. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but Sammy does call me, affectionately I might add, his "little jew." You do the math

Sixers in 7!


  1. No props for the big ceremony on Saturday?

  2. Young Thad is incredible, I too love Andre Miller/Juice Goldman, Sammy D has a mohawk, Reggie Evans is a rebounding machine, Willie Green is a gunner and should be traded in the off-season (a bum, as Philly fans would say), Andre has been inept and anemic but I hope he comes alive, and Tayshaun has AIDS.

    The sixers make me want to scream Bob Sagat! repeatedly.

    Sixers, you can't live withe 'em, you can't hit 'em, can't kill 'em, thank god for the DR.

    Congratulations on your graduation, you berry-faced jerk-off.

    I have said my piece.