Sunday, June 22, 2008

'Pez Dispenser

Finally, a prospect with mediocre talent and limited potential! I've been waiting for this moment all week, the profile of the Caucasoid big man with earthbound expectations and intangibles instead of upside. I present to you Robin Lopez, not to be confused with Brook Lopez, his identical twin who also happens to be a sure lottery pick in this years draft. On face value, these two, specifically Robin, the less talented and weaker prospect, seem worthy of widespread scorn and contempt. The red flags wave bright and strong: Twins? Red flag #1. Big and White? Flags galore. Played at Stanford? Oh god. Has tight, white man afro-curls that he one day might put into a ponytail, braids, or worse yet, cornrows? Where am I, Tiananmen Square? Before I start waving the white flag on this guy, I should dig deeper. Can he really be this bad a pick at #16? Ladies and gentleman, Robin Lopez.

Name: Robin Byron Lopez
DOB: 4/1/1988
Height: 7 ft.
Weight: 245 lbs.
Born: Panorama City, CA
Raised: Fresno, CA

Let's do a few rounds of Good News/Bad News, aimed at particular segments of our readership.

For Stanford Haters:
Bad News: Is one half of yet another tandem of large twins who played at Stanford and entered the NBA together.
Good News: The similarities are obvious, but Brook and Robin, aside from doing us the service of having first names that start with different letters, are more mobile and offensively capable than Jarron and Jason were.

For Big Firm and Flintskins:

Bad News: Not Afro-American, though as mentioned before, possesses afro potential. This boy be looking White.
Good News: The skin, the school, the first name, all are misleading. Robin's estranged daddy is Heriberto, a Cuban native who no doubt wishes he spent more time with the twin meal tickets and less time enjoying his free health-care and poverty.

For Girls, Gay Men, and Gossip Hounds:

Bad News: Robin has a girlfriend, who is a girl, and his aw shucks demeanor would hint at more time on a red tandem bike than on the red carpet.
Good News: His girlfriend is the fetching combination of hot, talented, rich, AND Asian, and is none other than pro golfer Michelle Wie.(she's on the left, making Cindy Crawford look old and worn). Based on the available evidence, I'd have to say this dude is possibly the most mackadocious in the draft. Good work bro!

For Sideshow Bob and Anderson Varejao:
Bad News: Your exact look has been copied.
Good News: You, Sideshow, did it first, and best. You, Anderson, did it in 3-D. Robin has a ways to go to match the precedent you two great men have set.

For Sixers Fans:

Bad News: It's entirely possible that he could be the pick.
Good News: Red flags be damned, this kid could actually turn out to be a good player. Let's ignore the numerous and admittedly shallow criticisms and look at the facts: He's got size, he's willing to do the grimy and unpleasant work of rebounding and defending, and he's one of the few guys the DR has profiled who isn't a total toss-up in terms of long-term potential. He won't be spectacular, and he may not even touch solid, but in all likelihood he will be consistent in what he gives and reliable in his effort. And that counts. I'm just saying.

For Scenario People:

Worst Case: He's Robin Lopez, the oaf from Stanford who got drafted because his twin brother is a good player. He's Mark Madsen with better hair.
Best Case: Is more athletic and skilled than people know, was overlooked in college due to twin brother who hogged the ball, and will surprise people with his all-around game.

The Big Picture:
Most fans, myself included, prefer a more athletic and exciting player with this pick. But I've recently read opinions of Lopez that have shifted my thinking a bit. His brother Brook projects as the better offensive player, and better player overall, but it's not crazy to assume Robin has most if not all of the gifts his IDENTICAL brother has, and that with more time and hard-work he could also become more than just a space-filler. If the Sixers draft him the city-wide groan will be audible in Cuba, but I'm here to calm the fears and add some positivity. This is how I view Robin Lopez: Lower ceiling, higher floor. Respect the high floor cuz.

On The Phillies:

I'm embarrassed and ashamed at the week that was. You fucks are lucky I'm so distracted by the NBA Draft. Get it together or you got yourselves a chunky letter of discontent heading your way. Slumping fucks.


  1. I'm terribly insulted that the asian girlfriend reference was not included in the Big Firm section. You know where I stand on that matter.

    The phillies had their shit pushed in this week, clearly outclassed. Not sure what to make of it, but still keeping the hope.

    As for Robin, I can't see the positive side, Chief Naka, as persuasively as you write. In fact, I might rather have Robin Byrd. Taking this dude will be a mistake.

  2. politricks suck. Anonymous Anonymous Anonymous Anonymous Anonymous Anonymous hahahahaha

  3. you forget to mention that, upon arrival in philly, robin lopez would almost definately join leana song and quite probably develop a serious coke habit.

  4. Anonymous, you are hilarious (Kevin Fenning voice), though you are wrong about Lopez. He would join The Oud Blues and develop a huge coke habit.

    This guy has Sean Bradley written all over him.

  5. Anonymous, you are hilarious (Kevin Fenning voice), though you are wrong about Lopez. He would join The Oud Blues and develop a huge coke habit.

    This guy has Sean Bradley written all over him.

  6. P.S., I love Sideshow Bob; hate Anderson Varejao; am ambivalent about Lopez (and will be until the Sixers draft him and he stinks).

  7. A walking homage to Sideshow Bob with an Asian girlfriend, Cuban father, likely drug habit and obsession with African drumming, and you guys still don't want any part of this guy? Tough crowd. I bet if his name was Serge Ibaka you'd be creaming in your prejudiced pants. Well we might draft that guy, and then we'll see.

    I will now distance myself from Robin Lopez, before my lukewarm enthusiasm becomes stubborn conviction in his ability. I'm getting out now and not risking it.