Sunday, July 22, 2007

Me and Sammy McDee

The man pictured here is Brian Roberts, the CEO of Comcast Corporation. Comcast owns controlling interest in a company called Comcast Spectacor. Comcast Spectacor owns the Sixers.

Thus, Samuel Dalembert technically works for Comcast. I also work for Comcast. Brian Roberts is mine and Sammy D's boss.

I work for a division of the company called Comcast Interactive Media, which is a fancy way of saying 'the internet.' Sammy works for a division called "The 76ers" which means he plays basketball.

When Sammy is at work, he reports to 76ers head coach Maurice Cheeks. Coach Cheeks reports to Team President Billy King. Billy King reports to Comcast Spectacor Chairman Ed Snider, who reports to Comcast Chief Operating Officer Steve Burke, who reports to the aforementioned Brian Roberts.

When I'm at work I report to the Executive Producer of, who's name is Neil McManus. Neil reports to a guy named Charlie Herrin, the Senior Vice President for Internet Development. Charlie reports to Amy Banse, the President of Comcast Interactive Media. Amy reports to the aforementioned Steve Burke, who reports to the aforementioned Brian Roberts.

So in the eyes of Comcast, Sammy and myself are essentially the same person. Which makes me almost as happy as if I'd discovered that Sammy and I were earning the same salary.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Ron Mexico is Dead

Some amazing and baffling new revelations are coming to light in the wake of the federales indicting Michael Vick on dog fighting charges. For one, we now know that that menace to society, that one man crime wave, that scourge of the NFL and the Atlanta metro area goes by the terror-inspiring nickname “Ookie”.

That’s right. The NFL’s most dangerous QB is named after a game where teenage boys compete to see who can be the first to ejaculate onto a pastry.

Equally as perplexing is the name of Vick’s alleged operation: Bad Newz Kennels. I’m assuming that the ‘bad newz’ part is a double entendre, referring not only to the intimidating nature of the pit bulls housed therein but also to Vick’s hometown of Newport “Bad” News.

But why drop the second z after kennel? Why, if your going to replace one s with a z would you not continue with the theme throughout the whole title of your operation? Did Vick feel as though a second z would have been overkill? Is he so bad at spelling that he truly thinks the word “news” ends with a different letter than the word “kennels”? Maybe “badnewzkennelz@gmail” was already taken.

We may never know.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Still in Effect!

Sorry for the short hiatus - you can thank both the corporate (.net) and the much more mundane (my internet installer) sections of Comcast Corp for the suspension in posts. That and spending way too much time watching LW3 bung down thunderous dunks on hapless and oafy Harvard-attending white centers by the name of Cusworth.

More on the Sixers summer league team soon to come. In the meantime, here's how I feel about the Phillies chances of making the playoffs:

On the bright side, at least we have our 10,000th loss to look forward to.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

The Draftermath

Some critics of draft analysis bitch and moan that true critique of the draft should be held in check until two or three years from now, when the players chosen have properly aligned themselves into categories of boom and bust, wow what a great pick and what the hell were you thinking?? I disagree. I believe I'm properly credentialed to render verdicts now and with absolute certainty. Besides, who has time to wait three years when global warming could cover the East Coast with ocean before I can fairly decide if Thaddeous Young was the right pick instead of Al Thornton? There's an old saying in Texas, maybe they have it here in Philly too: I'd rather be rash and stupid than patient and smart. No wait, it's I'd rather be a stupid dummy than a patient genius. No, no, it's better to be wrong right away than right all along. It's something like that, but one thing is for sure when the draft is involved, fool me once, shame on you, fool me year after year after year, you're not gonna fool me twice. Onwards with the draft of 2007.

Big Stories:

1) Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went to Portland and Seattle and seem destined for greatness. This was the big story of draft night, making it one of the most boring big stories on draft night ever. One of the super nice developments of draft night for me was seeing how funny Greg Oden is in interviews; we need more sarcasm, wit, and charisma from our superstars these days, and if he give us 15 years of solid soundbites who cares about his success on the court?

2) Trade Frenzy Gone Poof- It was thought that picks 3-14 could get shifted around through any combination of trades and player swaps. This didn't really happen. Atlanta held the 3rd pick and took Al Horford. Memphis stayed at #4 and took Mike Conley Jr. Boston, who we'll get back to in a minute, DID trade the #5 pick to Seattle, but after that everybody got scairt and clammed up like some bitch-ass clams.

3) Joakim Noah looks exactly like Shuggie Otis.

4) Zach Randolph got traded to the Knicks, ensuring two things: 1)Isaiah will get to keep his job even longer(a great thing for non-Knick fans) since Knick fans love this trade and 2) Strip clubs, never short on paying customers in the Big Apple, are about to enter a period of sustained patronage and prosperity not seen since Babe Ruth patrolled the town in furs and velvet hand gloves. If Randolph can continue to average 20-10-10(points, rebounds, and misdemeanor arrests) this trade works out for everyone, including the residents of Portland, who can go back to leaving their doors unlocked at night now that the final link of the Jailblazers is safely relocated.


1) Portland, Seattle and Atlanta. Duh.
2) The Clippers got Al Thorton at #14. Good pick.
3) The Sixers!! Ah Yes, the Sixers.

Initially I was disappointed when I heard the name Thaddeous Young called at pick #12. Who is this guy? After careful consideration I've decided he's a great pick and will eventually be seen as a better player than Julian Wright and Al Thornton, the two guys most Sixer fans wanted to see with that pick. I like that he's a lefty. Lefties have cool looking shots, and nice, crafty games. Jalen Rose, Michael Redd, Mo Peterson, all lefties. He's got a great name. I'm in no way looking forward to the day but at some point he'll have a bad day at the office and the Daily News headline will read "Hideous" and I'll chuckle. He's 19 so look for him to grow more, fill out, and become much stronger. And the dude is funny. In his first week as a Sixer he lit up the press corps with gems like "Everybody loves me" and "I'm like Dirk Nowitzki except I play defense". Bravo young Thaddeous. That gave me a great idea to call him young Thaddeous instead of Thaddeous Young. Who's with me?

Besides Young Thaddeous the Sixers drafted Jason Smith and Derrick Byars, and a dude named Herbert Hill who hopefully is related to Henry Hill. Smith is a 7ft whitey with shotting skills and athleticism. I love the pick. Byars has 1st round talent and pedigree and I fully expect him to make the team. The big complaint from Philly fans is that Billy King didn't trade up, didn't make a splash, didn't do diddly-poo. Well folks, apparently he offered Milwaukee all three first round picks plus Steven Hunter and Rodney Carney to move up to #6 and they balked. I'm not sure he could have done more without getting totally ripped off. Anyway, we got some pieces, some athletes, and a dude related to Henry Hill. Good work.


1)The Celtics. Traded the #5 pick, Delonte West, and Wally Sexyback for Ray Allen. Granted, the C's will probably be better for the next year or so with Ray Allen on the team, but they got a lot older with this trade and that's back-to-back years they traded a lottery pick away. Last year they could have had Brandon Roy or Randy Foye and this year they could have had Yi Jianlian or Corey Brewer or even Young Thaddeous. Instead, they got Sebastian Telfair and Ray Allen. Nice work Danny Ainge. In three years when Allen is washed up and Pierce is slowed down, these moves will be seen as titanically moronic.

2)The Milwaukee Bucks. Passed on numerous trade opportunities and drafted the one dude who didn't want to play for them, Yi Jianlian. He's Chinese. Milwaukee has as many Chinese people as the movie Schindler's List. This can't work. Hopefully they'll trade him to Philly for far less tha we offered on draft night.

3)Yi Jianlian. I feel bad for the guy, biggest night of his life and he goes to the one city he and the nation of China expressly stated he would not play for, then is forced to talk to Stuart Scott for five minutes. Nobody should have to go through that.

4)Us, the viewers for having to watch a split screen of Stephen A. Smith and Dick Vitale. That's called a shit screen.

5) Lastly, the Lakers, T'Wolves, and Suns, for wasting everybody's time with all that trade talk involving their star players only to do nothing and leave themselves with mopey superstars and blue-balled fan bases. Never a good combination.