Thursday, March 18, 2010

Getting His Unemployment On

The Shawn Andrews Era has finally ended and what is there to say? The dude shoulda coulda woulda. In the end I feel justified for my initial feeling when we drafted him: "Wait, we drafted a dude who had to lose 50 pounds to get down to 350?!?!" It seemed like a bad idea then, and it turned out that certain large men have delicate psyche's and bad backs. In general I think it's bad business taking on talent that weighs over 400 lbs, unless it's a talented actor, dancer, or both. So goodbye Big Kid, and good luck, and may you're convergence of twitter and god bring you a life of happiness.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Vanilla Sky Has Fallen

Two years ago The DR draft coverage spotlighted a white boy of considerable intrigue: Joe Alexander, a kid who's combination of size and athleticism was surpassed only by his memorable nickname, Vanilla Sky. Turns out, two years later, that his size was irrelevant, his athleticism underwhelming, and his overall potential vastly inferior to his epic nickname. This season brought about a new low for the Vanilla One: a demotion to the NBA's D-League, a development farm for wannabes and busts. Turns out white guys can jump. To the minors. And then I remembered something important: Vanilla Sky was an atrocious movie starring an atrocious crazyman(long, only need to watch a minute to get the gist). Poor Joe never had a shot with a nickname like that.

But as I thought more about it I became fixated on the reality that in fact white men cannot play basketball very well. I began to scour NBA rosters to find American-born white folk with skills. And what I found was, frankly, gross and pathetic. The best white players aren't very good in the macro view, and they tend to be big ugly ogres who get by on heinous looks and technically perfect box-out techniques. Men like Chris Andersen, Kevin Love, Chris Kaman, Spencer Hawes, Troy Murphy, David Lee, and Brook Lopez. Then there's a whole crop of absurdly mediocre whitebreads who play further away from the hoop, with no increase in success, dudes like Mike Miller, Kirk Hinrich, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Kyle Korver, Luke Walton, Luke Ridnour, Jason Williams, Chase Buddinger, and the Matt's, Harpring, Carrol, and Bonner. Yes I left out some people, but does it matter? You know the state of the white-man has really hit a low point when Louis Amundson might be one of the top 15 caucasoids in the league. Truly, what would you trust any of these men to do well, other than pick out a polo shirt to match their khakis?

But I don't give up hope. Someday there will another white player with serious game, a man who can combine the game of Chris Paul with the skin of Ron Paul. Until then I will yearn for the days of Tom Chambers and Jack Sikma, Rex Chapman, and even the poster boy, for being posterized, Shawn Bradley.

I want to end on a sad note, the end of AI's marriage. How the hell a women stayed with this fella since high school without being accidentally shot by his posse amazes me, but something must have finally pushed her over the edge because she filed for divorce. Seriously, I'm full of sadness for the Iversons. This year has been a string of disappointments and disasters. No attempts at humor here, just saying I think it's sad. Like Vanilla Sky's career.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Hate Hurts

Can any of us really understand Fine Tone's dilemma at a deli counter, when he has only enough scratch to get extra cheese OR extra meat? Can we really relate to the unenviable position Jayson Werth is placed in when he must decide between the asian stripper and the czech one? For all the horrible things that happen in this world, man is too often forced to pick favorites as between two things he really loves. It's a modern day tragedy of the commons, really.

Well tonight is no different. There is no hiding it, the Big Firm loves dogs. Even little shit ones who look like little shits.

Yet as much as I got love for dogs, I have as much, if not MORE love for black people.

So when this video came to my attention tonight, I felt torn. A dog...born and bred to hate black people? A canine white supremacist? A living creature that could hate a black astronaut?

Behold the horror: White Dog

Joy to the World

Could there be any more auspicious portent of spring than a photograph of Charlie Manuel blowing a bubble while cramming his hands down his pants? I didn't think so.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Sporty Thieves

It's not often that a well-known political figure starts beef with a member of the DR editorial staff. Sure, there was that time that Rick Santorum accused Bubak of bestiality, and that other occasion where Big Firm got punched in the face by Frank Rizzo Jr. for wearing his lime-green NAACP Legal Defense fund hoodie in the line at Geno's, but generally elected leaders know better than to tangle with us and our new-found appreciation for libel law.

That all changed this week though, when former Phillie hall-of-famer Jim Bunning basically shit in the eye of our man Flintskins by refusing to sign an extension of jobless benefits, thus single-handedly depriving millions of Americans (including but not exclusive to the entirety of Northern Liberties stripper population), with their means of sustenance.

Now, Bunning's turn in the news got me thinking about other athletes-turned-politicians, and these thoughts turned out to be fairly unpleasant. Sure, there are some great success stories, but for every Bill Bradley there are at least a dozen Lynn Swanns. The problem, I reasoned, is that that only the most narcissistic and self-aggrandizing athletes decide to go into politics when their playing days are done (think Curt Schilling). Most of the athletes we love would rather spend their time running a car wash or cooking up delectable pork sandwiches, which is part of why we loved them in the first place.

The current crop of Philly sports stars is notable for it's lack of pomposity. Sure, Donovan can be annoying and DeSean Jackson's cockiness could get old, but by and large this town is patrolled by a group that's self-effacing and likable - hardly the types to run for office. All that aside, if I was Karl Rove, here's who I would nominate, ranked from least electable to most:

10 - Jose Contreras: His experience growing up in a socialist dictatorship could really endear him to the Tea Party crowd. However his lack of English potentially limits his broad appeal. I see him as a city councilman representing the area around K & A, with Garrett Reid serving as his chief of staff.

9 - Andy Reid: Sky-high name recognition. Extensive executive experience. Mormon. Andy is essentially a fat, wheezy, ugly version of Mitt Romney, and Mitt will most likely be the Republican nominee for President, paving the way for Reid's appointment as Surgeon General.

8 - Allen Iverson: In the right district, AI could be an unstoppable candidate. Unfortunately it would have to be populated entirely by felons, and last time I checked Graterford was not allotted a government representative.

7 - Riley Cote: I felt obligated to include a Flyer on this list, and Riley Cote seems like kind of a badass. He could definitely garner some votes in South Philly and Fishtown.

6 - Jason Smith: Tall, white, and handsome, J Suave would be irresistible on the campaign trail, at least until his rookie fling with a porn star came to light.

5 - Greg Dobbs: Has the
sartorial chops and wholesome appeal of a Senate candidate, and as a benchwarmer has plenty of time to campaign. Also would benefit from right-wingers who thought they were voting for former CNN personality Lou Dobbs.

4 - Kareem Townes: The ultimate long-shot candidate. Townes candidacy could harness the twin themes of "redemption" and "local boy makes good" after his arrest in 2002 for selling a half kilo of crack to an undercover. After all, Marion Barry got reelected after getting videotaped smoking crack with hookers in a motel room, and who in Philly hasn't had a couple ounces of crack on them at one time or another? Townes is an early release away from being mayor of this town.

3 - Carlos Ruiz: Charming. Bilingual. Experienced with running a large organization (the Phils pitching staff).

2 - Charlie Manuel: Uncle Cholly's got the down-home style that appeals to the Joe the Plumbers of the world, but beneath his folksy manner lies the mind of a Rhodes scholar and the heart of a Kenyan marathon runner. He's already the honorary mayor of Philadelphia.

1 - Aaron McKie: Could get elected to any office in the land on the strength of his beard alone.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Chopped and Screwed

With spring training underway and the Phillies juggernaut busy limbering up for another deep playoff run, I'm bothered by one thing and one thing only. No it's not Cole Hamels and his My Little Pony voice and attitude. Nor is it concern with Brad Lidge's ability to close games; as I see it he had the worst year any human being could have and we still made the World Series. I'm not even worried about Charlie Manuel dying, which was a huge concern last year before he lost 100 pounds and resembled a large, half-deflated balloon.

No no no, our problems are more serious than that. Our biggest weakness, our main susceptibility, the chink in our armor, if you will, is this: NO ASIANS!!(Note: yes that was a horrible joke. Yes I offended myself and my family by writing it. And yes I attended a roast this past weekend which made that joke and others like it seem perfectly acceptable, which they aren't. But to hell with it) Not a single Asian brother. What makes it even worse is that our superb Asian from last year, Chan Ho Park, turned down a contract to play here, watched helplessly as the market for him dried up, and ended up signing with the deviant mothership of unholiness the Yankees. This story nearly broke my heart. Sure, we replaced one old Asian with two old (and if what I've come to expect from Cuban "birth certificates" is true, presumably much much older) Cubans and that could be a fair trade, on the baseball field. But this isn't abut baseball. This is about karma, superstition, and wa. Fact is, this current team has never appeared in the playoffs, won a playoff series, World Series, nothing, without an Asian on the roster. From Tad Iguchi to So Taguchi to Chan Ho last year, this most excellent stretch of success can be traced directly to the acquisition of our friends from the far East. How will this play out? I'm not sure, but come trade-deadline time I will be willing to give away the rest of our farm system, current stars even, for any brotherman if we're still bereft of Asians by then. Ryan Howard straight-up for Kenshin Kawakami? Yes, sure, do it. Chase Utley for Shin Soo-Choo? Pull the trigger. Hell, find Hideo Nomo and offer him a spot in the rotation. He's older than Mr. Miyagi but I bet he can still get a guy out here and there. And catch a fly with chopsticks. I think you get the point.

In closing, being of Asian descent means I'm obviously exempt from accusations of racism and cultural insensitivity towards my own people. However, if any of my fellow DR colleagues or loyal readers say something out of line, you are most definitely a racist piece of shit.