Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Esquiring

My peoples:
I write to you as a different man. No longer do I have Fridays off, free to nap, watch Saved by the Bell reruns, and appreciate the virtues of a ceiling fan all day long. No longer can I complain about three hours of obligation in a working day, or the fear of being called on to contribute to class discussion. Yes, my peoples, law school is officially a thing of the past. I am now one step closer to reaching my objective in life: becoming Greg Thall. On a gloomy rainy May day a few weeks ago, this happened. Soon thereafter I dropped my fake law degree as I paraded across the Dean Dome stage, an ominous sign if there ever was one. But with school in the rear view mirror, I find myself asking: where will this degree lead the Big Firm? Perhaps my JD plus the quick departure of my hair will lead me to this. Perhaps my JD will help me become a defender of my favorite people, and better yet, forge friendships with these clients. Most importantly, it's only a matter of time before I have the opportunity to sexually harass a paralegal...while also not being a paralegal. Ah, living the dream.

And since graduation, a lot has happened. I've been on 6 airplanes, lost 20 golf balls in Bermuda, ate four Chicago hot dogs (that in all honesty resemble a hoagie placed on top of a hot dog), waited in line 45 minutes for a Tony Luke's cheesesteak, went to the top of City Hall, and turned 28 (to those of you who forgot, you are dead to me). Action packed two weeks, indeed. But really, not too much has changed. Sure, I am now of a learned profession, as they call it. But I still find this funny. And better yet, I'm even told that I'm allowed to find that funny. Go ahead, try to watch the first video and not sing the song for the rest of the day, I dare you. That's one talented young mentally challenged man.

The Phils are marching along at a steady pace. Win three, lose two...score 15 runs, follow it up with a 20 run effort. Brett Myers concerns me. Not only is his facial hair and ever-expanding belly a concern of epic proportions, but we all know where his continued slide will lead. That's right, it will lead straight to domestic abuse, which of course, is no laughing matter. Any chance Mr. Myers is taking his rage out on say, the weight room? Negatron. On a Cheesesteak? Perhaps. Any chance his wife has bought another home or a gun of her own? Without a doubt. Personally, I'm happy where we are. The Marlins will not keep this up, the Braves will be tough throughout the year, but true to my bitter resentment and hatred of other people, the best development if this young season is the Mets. The Mets are a rapidly evolving shit-show. Their manager is a DUI away from getting fired, their latin players refuse to submit to interviews, and they even have Marlon Anderson playing left field. He's a second baseman people! If the Phils lose the division to the Mets, its the worst day of my life. If the Phils win the division its the greatest day in my life. If the Phils win the division and the Mets finish in last, my head might explode. And speaking of my Phils, we have 7 runs through three innings tonight. Niccccccce.

And then there's the NBA playoffs. I officially hate all four teams left. But I still must watch the NBA playoffs. I mean after all, they are on tv, and I can't disrespect my tv. So on that note, I have weighed the pros and cons of each team to decide who to root for, and rendered my first important verdict as a representative of the legal profession:

The Lakers:
The CONS: Well, pretty much everything. Put simply, I can't root for them. It's pretty black and white, actually. Though ultimately I have very little against the bulk of their team, essentially, it boils down to Kobe, his fake smile, his tone of voice etc...Need I remind you people, and the world at large, that he is a convicted rapist?! Sure, I use the word "convicted" somewhat liberally, but he's a rapist no less. Actually, now that I think about it, Odom is really the only player I don't detest. Walton is intolerable. Farmar looks like he might be related to the retarded policeman. The European dude looks slimy. Ronny Turiaf has no proper place on the planet.

The PROS: As I said, I got love for Odom. I also like saying the words "Vlad Rad." Pau is also pretty damn likeable, if not for his fluid footwork, certainly for his disgusting beard and inability to close his mouth. Something tells me that when Ginobili is guarding Pau, and neither are acting civilized, the stench is suffocating. Their armpit hair scares me.

The VERDICT: It's official, I can't root for the Lakers. That leaves me with three options.

The Celtics:
The CONS: Their players really are the least of my worries. Their fans are a much more significant problem. I actually kind of like their players, with certain exceptions. Always like KG, always at least respected Pierce and Jesus Shuttlesworth. And who can hate PJ Brown? But the fact remains that if the Celtics win the championship, that means the Boston fans will have celebrated titles for three of their four teams...repeatedly, in the last 6 or 7 years. That means some little shit from Waltham or Newton or worse yet Lexington, possibly only in second grade, will be so sick of parades by this point that he might not even attend. That just doesn't seem fair.

The PROS: There aren't many, I must admit. Their most famous fan might be Michael Bivens, which is ok in my book. And they do have a guy named Leon Powe, which is pretty awesome. But really, who am I kidding. A Celtics title would be largely insufferable. I wash my hands of them, so the Cs are out.

The Spurs:
The CONS: they have way too many Euros. As Chief Naka has pointed out, Ginobili's bald spot might go down as the most distracting physical shortcoming this side of Frank Beamer's goiter. Their best player is at best boring, and at worst, 1/ 2 robot. Their point guard is too fast, and I can't barely follow the little bugger around without glasses. They have more washed up veterans than the '96 Rockets. Their coach strikes me as a bad person, which may or may not be connected to what I assume was a traumatic acne filled childhood. They've also won a lot recently, and no one seems to give a shit. So while another Spurs championship wouldn't necessarily bother me, it would only make me smile if the Celtics suffered because of it.

The PROS: Three words for you: Big Shot Bob. You might think it's easy to win 8 championships, but need I remind you that he is also a mean spirited superhero? Try as you may, no one can convince me not to like Bob Horry.

The VERDICT: Better than the Lakers and the Celtics, but not a team I need to see win this thing again. That leaves us with the best of the worst...

The Pistons:
The CONS: They very well might be the ugliest team in the history of sports. Lets make a Mr. Potato head with their players. Start with Rip Hamilton's goatee. Then give him Chauncey's huge mouth and Rasheed's teeth. Throw in Tayshaun's complexion, build, and black man freckles. Give 'em Maxiell's furled brow, Sheed's hair, and throw a mask in front of it all and you have one ugly human being. On top of that, , they beat my squad. And did it in a sort of terrible way. First dick teasing by putting up little effort, missing shots, letting Sammy D go bananas on them one night, only to reassert their superior talent, reveal our best player to be nothing more than a glorified dunker, and plot forward. What's more, they beat my other favorite team in the East, the Magic. As far as their players are concerned, they have one redeeming Sheed, but mostly bland, boring, and frustrating contributors.

The PROS: Would I be totally bummed if the Pistons won? No. Would I be happy? Probably not. Relieved that one of the other four didn't win? That sounds likely. The fact of the matter is I know not a soul from Detroit, so them winning wouldn't cause me personal anguish. And they have a corrupt black mayor, so maybe they deserve it. And living in Detroit sounds generally awful, so why not give them a[nother] title. They also have only ONE white guy, and he's European I think, which both explains why they are good and why I could support them going forward. Additionally, I was on the Pistons when I was a kid, and we had a guy by the name of Matt Gordy. And thinking of Matt Gordy makes me happy, if not a little disturbed.

The VERDICT: If they win, no biggie. If they lose, it's only sad because one of the other three remaining teams won. So, I say ride with the Pistons, it's our only choice.

Long live the DR.

5 comments:

  1. The only dudes who remember other dudes' birthdays are likely the types of dudes who like other dudes.

    Speaking of, where's dvdubs with his usual thrill-a-minute comments? It's been almost 18 whole hours since this was posted. that cripple is falling the fuck off.

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  2. Big Firm,

    First of all, happy belated birthday. I did think of the day when it was coming up, but somehow, on the actual day, was too preoccupied with other shit to remember. My bad, brotha.

    Let me note the things I find great about this post:

    1. That cheesesteak looks delicious
    2. Greg Thall
    3.Your worst nightmare
    4. Phils are incredible; F the Mets
    5. Charles Barkley doesn't want any "flaky white stuff"...Or to repay his gambling debts, for taht matter.
    6. Great analysis of teams; I admire that you can still watch when the Sixies are out...I know I can't.
    7. I call Big Shot Bob "The Horry Factor" and appreciate that you also made the correlation to Will Smith.
    8. F Boston fans, though my hatred for them is much less than yours since I have never lived there, and also have some family there who root for said teams.
    9. Matt Gordy
    10. The words in between.

    I'm back, flintskins... Sort of.

    Long live the DR.

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  3. Flintskins,

    You're such a Matt Gordy. I recognize that you may have no idea who that is, but the majority of the DR staff does, and I think they would all concur.

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  4. Maybe I can ruin the DR for Big Firm just like I ruined fantasy sports....It won't be intentional.

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