Tuesday, November 27, 2007


- I'll start with the most unsurprising piece of "news" I have. AJ Feeley lost a game at QB and is being hailed as a savior. Listen, I'll admit that McNabb has been well across the border of awful this season, playing with one leg and seemingly diminished heart, but let's be real, he's just as qualified as Feeley to throw game starting and game ending interceptions. How about we let Feeley win a game before exalting him as the new Tom Brady? Seriously folks, we go through this every year with the same results every time, and yet never seem to learn anything from it. I'm really beginning to think that the Yuengling factory shares a water supply with Three Mile Island, which would explain A LOT about the common Cuz.

- In happy Eagles news, Sports Illustrated is calling Brian Westbrook the best running back in the NFL! Actually, some dude over at SI.com is calling him the best running back in the NFL, but we'll happily take it. Full story here.

- Kyle Korver's back! Wait, Kyle Korver was gone?

- Remember when I said that the Andre Miller trade rumors were false? Bet you didn't know that I frequently speak too soon and simply can't be trusted

- I'm dangerously close to retracting my statement regarding my lack of hockey interest. It turns out the Flyers are straight thugs. Yesterday it was reported that Boston was going to be gunning for certain Flyers in retaliation for some acts of violence which occurred in their most recent game. What I didn't realize was that it seems in Boston, the term retaliation actually translates into "getting our asses kicked even worse than before". Sure, the Flyers lost the game, but won the lack of concussions and blood shed competitions. I can live with that.

- Nostra-J Roll is at it again. Asked last night to forecast the upcoming Phillies season, the MVP decided to keep it simple, and kept his predictions to 100 wins, another NL East title and a Broad Street parade. My prediction: J Roll will easily lead the league in the Hit-By-Pitches category. The man is zeroing in on the cockiness of Jay-Z in his prime, and I love every second of it. April can't come soon enough.

- Finally, on an extremely rare serious note, I'd like to take a moment to send the DR's best wishes out to the family and friends of Washington Redskin's cornerback Sean Taylor who died early this morning as the result of a gunshot wound sustained in what is being called an attempted robbery. I'll admit that on numerous occasions I've wished death upon opponents of the Eagles, particularly those in the NFC East. It turns out I didn't really mean it. At 24, Taylor certainly had a long career of punishing the Eagles ahead of him, and it's tragic that it had to end the way it did. So on behalf of the DR and Philly in general, RIP Sean Taylor. Put ya lighters up.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Spark Up the Phillies and Pass the Stout b/w A Dalembert Report Family Thanksgiving

With the exception of Matt Holliday's wife (get the ice packs ready honey!), the world of sport was thrilled today with the announcement that our very own Jimmy Rollins was bestowed with baseball's highest honor, the MVP award. Okay, he got half of baseball's highest honor, sharing the spotlight with the American League MVP, Alex "Fuck You, Pay Me" Rodriguez. However, we at the Dalembert Report choose not to acknowledge the American League , what with it's bigger names and nonsense designated driver* rule. Or hitter. Or something. Either way, by default, that makes J-Roll the lone best in baseball this year and we couldn't be any happier for him.

I would post J-Roll's stats for the year compared to the aforementioned Holliday, but that would be about as exciting of a read as the minutes to a meeting of the mutes, so I'll just take a moment to reference some of the genius shit the man accomplished this year on the path to HNIC-dom. In January, the dude pointed a middle finger high in the air, aimed it approximately 100 miles north and told the Mets that the NL East was the Phillies' block this year, and they'd best consider slangin their product elsewhere. Took a little longer than expected, but it turned out to be the truth. He played in every game this season, and managed to pull out a silver slugger and a gold glove award (which are given to the best offensive and defensive players at each position on the field – yeah, the man got em BOTH) while doing it. He became the first player ever to do some hot shit, the details of which elude me as of press time, but just trust me, it was great. However, of all the accomplishments which led to this glorious achievement, nearest to the hearts of your DR editorial staff is that the man has been righteously giving it to one of our fellow high school alumna, and while he and she may object, that practically makes us all related.

So, to you Cousin Jimmy, we spark the Phillies and pass the stout, and congratulate you on your well deserved 2007 NL MVP award!!!

Speaking of family, the Thanksgiving holidays are upon us, and with the exception of the first half of the Eagles' season, there is much to be thankful for. In the spirit of the holiday, I would like to take a moment to share a few of the things for which I am thankful with my highest of dysfunctional families, you, the DR loyalists:

I am thankful that eldiablogrande did not fire me from my free job here, despite numerous drug and alcohol fueled threats

I am thankful for the turkey that has made the ultimate sacrifice so that I may fill my belly and provide a solid foundation for the after-dinner drinks which will render me unfit for the operation of heavy machinery

I am thankful for percocet for very similar reasons

I am thankful that neither Alfonseca nor Mesa were made top priority free agent signings

I am thankful that JC Romero was

I am thankful that hockey does not interest me**, as it seems that many Flyers fans are of the angry breed

I am thankful that Sixers fans would rather stay home, thereby providing me with many oppurtunities to upgrade my seats free of charge

I am thankful that the Andre Miller trade rumors have been deemed false

I am thankful that LW3 doesn't realize that he could be the biggest star that The Wire has ever seen and has instead chosen to continue to catch total wreck for 11 minutes a game

I am thankful for Brian Westbrook

I am thankful for every King and Cuz in the city and their collective willingness to commit to alcoholism and in turn remind out of towners exactly whose stadium it is that they are in, and that cheering for the other team is not only forbidden, but grounds for multiple acts of violence

I am thankful that the bartender does not judge me

I am thankful for the anonymous gentleman who leaves the sports page in the handicapped stall at work on a daily basis (a true American)

I am thankful that my employer is unaware that I am writing this on company time

I am thankful for Mr. Sammy D himself, a greater muse there has never been

Finally, I am thankful for YOU, the DR readers, who apparently do exist regardless of the comment sections being all 28 Days Later-esque. Happy Thanksgiving, bitches.

* The Dalembert Report reminds you to stay safe this holiday season. Know when to say when, remember that friends don't let friends drive drunk (unless they REALLY need a ride), don't learn this from watching me, and please if you've taken nothing else from this DR PSA, do NOT allow eldiablogrande to take home men in dresses. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

** I reserve the right to retract that statement at any time

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Philly Blunts Are The Hot Dogs of Tobacco

To Cheeks, or not to Cheeks, that is the question. Over a few shots of Southern Comfort (it was on sale at Las Vegas Lounge, and much needed after half the dalembert report editorial staff spent two hour watching a movie that began with Philip Seymour Hoffman fucking Marisa Tomei doggy style and proceeded to go way, way downhill from there) Tutkwon and myself considered this query.

"He's a mediocre coach" spaketh 'kwan, and, though I count myself as one of the contingent of Sixers fans who have been pleased with coach Mo, I was hard pressed to disagree.

But is a mediocre coach really such a bad thing for this team? Is it a bad thing for any team, really? And just how many quote unquote "good" coaches really exist? When Lawrence Frank pulls Bostjan Nachbar aside to tell him something tremendously tactical and complicated, is that really more effective than when coach Mo grabs LW3 and says "they can't stop you young bul -- go and get yours"?

I personally think that Mo is the perfect coach for this team right now. He's relentlessley positive, never brings any drama, never criticizes his players and is willing to play almost anyone, anytime, in any combination. If the Sixers win any games this year, it will be from hustle, defense and hot shooting, not because their coach drew up an unstoppable out of bounds play. LB can ski pole Ed Snider all he wants -- this season it's not about winning the close ones.

That being said, if we keep getting blown the fuck out in the fourth quarter of games I'm gonna have to start going all bunny suicide on mufuckas.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Department of Hilarity and Frustration

So...I am swimming in my own head right now, drowning actually.
Full of ideas, for posts, columns, reviews, TV shows etc, but I cant get a single one of em out. They are all trapped in my dome. In the interest of getting something semi productive done, I will post right now damn it! None of it is my intellectual property, but i did "find" it so fuck you!

This guy is crazy, doesn't he know there is nothing in these mixing bowls?

Sadly, we will never see this again...ever. Two of the greats. Damn a nuh it really just hit me. (pause...sob sob)

How do you say double standard in Spanish?

Everyone, all my minions, join now!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Sieg Hill!

The dalembert report prides itself on our ambivalence towards the american political process (though we do support future philly mayor mike nutter after spending the eve of the election drinking beers with him in Grace Tavern), preferring to devote our energy to questions of Quebec separatism , the liberation of Guy Philippe, and increased funding for fecal bacteriotherapy. However if we did decide to support an imperialist candidate, it would definately be white supremacist Hillary Clinton (below).

Sieg Heil, Hill!

(Thanks to DR enthusiast and noted counterrevolutionary stringer bell for the flicxture.)

Friday, November 2, 2007

Midnight Has Come and Gone & Iguodala Has Turned into a Pumpkin

To give a max deal, to not give a max deal that is the question.

Does the new AI deserve 5 years 85 million dollars? I say no. how many players in the League have a max deal? 21.

Well you say, "Andre Iguodala is not one of the best 21 players in the league." while this may be true, it is not that simple. Of the 21 players with max deals, I would take the new AI over at least two of them: Starbury and Antawn Jamison.

That being said, my colleague Eldiablogrande and myself held an impromtu fantasy draft (30 teams) during the sixers opener on Wednesday and concluded that Iguodala would be an early second round pick...possibly the 1st pick of round two. My question is this: can you really justify giving a player a max deal if he will not be the #1 guy on his team?

No no no no no.

It is hard to justify having multiple max contract guys on a team unless you have Shaq and D Wade, the original AI and Melo, or KG and Pierce. Now I know the new AI would be/is our best player, but does that mean we should overpay him? We have seen how Moneybags King giving out huge contracts has hurt the team in the past (see Kenny Thomas, Brian Skinner). He also traded Bruce Bowen, Larry Hughes and Billy Owens for Toni Kukoc. (I don't like Billy King)

I say to you new AI come down with your demands a little, and to you Billy King pay the man more than our beloved Sammy D!

5 years 65 million. Fair is fair. There ya go, contract talks over deal done everyone happy. Now take that money we're gonna save after CWebber's contract comes off the books, and sign E Brand.

P.S. Eric Piatkowski is still in the league, Way to go white!!!