Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Back in Action

A few motherfuckin thoughts:

As a preliminary matter, I would like to apologize for my DR absence in the past few weeks. Safe to say, my creative juices have not been flowing. But then a funny thing happened. I started receiving emails from random kids I went to high school with, and I started to realize a few things.

1. It's been a decade since I drank a forty that had been sitting in my car trunk for 4 months.

2. Very little has changed since I was 18. I have the same friends, the same interests, and the same t shirts. No shit, I just wore a 1997 Germantown Community Tournament t- shirt the other day. There's nothing like telling people you went to Germantown High when they make fun of a place called Germantown Friends.

3. I am going to miss my high school reunion for the worst of reasons: law school graduation.

So while my one friend is flirting with the random once fat, now fly jawn in the corner, and my other friend is pressing up and the random nerd now mother of two at the bar, I will be toasting three years of school that very closely resembled middle school - just absent Coach Franco yelling at me. So while I wind down my schooling, I toast you my dear friends who will celebrate Quakerism and Carl Tannenbaum without me.

In other news, the Sixers have decided to become incredible, and believe it or not, I do not use that word loosely. Here I was picking victories and causing losses a mere three months ago. Low and behold, we were RIGHT about Sammy D. He is so much more than a computer technician. He's actually a stellar basketball player, and one of the longest men in the league to boot. Clearly only Jason Smith's inevitable bout with herpes following his LES shenanigans can slow this team down, and I'm pretty sure Abrevia cleans that shit up in no time (I mean, that's what I heard). I could also pretend to be hyped about the Flyers, but that's tough when the only player I can name is Eric Desjardins, and something tells me he hasn't been on the team in a while. But go Flyers, if you win the title, I might applaud, or at least text Chief Naka in an attempt to look informed.

But the big news in my life is that the Phillies are back in action. So while I should be focusing on other shit, I am busy dissecting Ryan Howard's crap swing, desperately trying to find a Japanese man we can trade Kyle Wack Ass Kendrick for, and wondering why Chase Utley is drowning his hair in Crisco. But as tempting as it is to declare the Phillies pitching a shit show beyond repair, I will always keep the faith. If anything, I remain vigilant as the Young Brother I am.

This whole olympic torch nonsense has me annoyed as well. If we had half the security following that flame around defending the streets of Philly, our murder rate would go down in droves. Why do we need heavily armed men to fend off people who presumably belong to Weaver's Way Co-Op? And why does everyone care so much about Tibet, much less how China treats people who care about Tibet? If I'm going to worry about anything, it's Africa. AFRICA! Now I know I'm not Shiz, and my geography game is at best pedestrian, but last I checked, Tibet is not in Africa. I have very little time to concern myself with anything other than Africa. When Deke Mutombo opens a hospital in Tibet, you let me know. When Jimmy Dolan moves to Tibet, becomes a circumcised member of an organic and authentic Tibetan tribe, teaches the locals basketball his shake and bake, has sexual relations with a crooked teeth having missionary all while fending off the strongest and fattest businessman within a 100 mile radius...you let me know. When Nenge Mboko and Lionel Joseph attend the TIBETAN Education Conference, give me a shout. But until that point, I will remain annoyed by the protests that are clouding what otherwise may be the most important thing happening in the world: a torch people. A TORCH! There is no reason why we must burn this Hannukah light on a bus rather than in the open air. So I urge all these protestors to eat a nice fruit leather, perhaps boisenberry. Maybe stock up on delicious granola with m&ms in them. Do something, ANYTHING...just let the torch be.

And then there's this recession thing. What is up with that? No one said that the market could go in the shitter and powerful finance firms could crumble like a stale, yet delicious chocolate chip cookie. But then again, no one said you could pack the great Coke taste and zero calories into one soft drink, and if there is one thing that I learned over the course of the NCAA tournament, COKE ZERO HAS APPARENTLY DONE JUST THAT. What are we to do in these tough times? I say make people either adopt a Mexican and learn their work ethic or move to Mexico themselves. I don't want to hear about home foreclosures, teaser mortgage rates, and poor employment prospects. I want to hear that people are getting creative! Where is the entrepreneurial spirit? If the best pitcher on the Chicago Cubs is a squirmy jewish rookie coming off a broken arm and recently removed rubber-bands from his braces, clearly Americans can survive these shaky times.

Ah...it feels so good to write again. Even if I have nothing decent to say, and very little time to search for funny pictures. What's more, I had to build a website for a class and got to learn about pornography while doing so. That being so, I encourage you all to explore at your leisure...

Big Firm, out.

5 comments:

  1. Great to have you back Big Firm. Your Amundson status has been lifted.

    The Sixers got incredible, and yes, I think they clearly did it for you, recognizing that a pick-me-up was in order. All the way, bull. Psycho T could not pull through for you in the same manner, unfortunately, but hey, Kansas, though I don't like them, is a good squad, and UNC made a good effort to come back, and this is a run-on sentence.

    As for the reunion, you will be sorely missed. I am tempted to bring a video camera, both as a barrier between me and everyone else (relating to the camera instead of to our former classmates like people relate to a cigarette as a defense mechanism; flintskins relates to many cigarettes and is one himself; and to create a record of the hilarity for you. But seriously, who is gonna give it to Jen?

    As for the torch, my personal feeling is that the US should boycott the olympics in China altogether. I don't say this lightly, as I love the olympics; nothing like watching a live volleyball match at 3AM, but seriously China. The world should take a stand against this atrocious long-standing human rights abuse. That's my rant on that.

    With the start of baseball season, I thought I would share this Tra short story story with you all:

    http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/xconnect/v4/i1/g/wert1.html

    Yes, the Phils pitching staff is suspect, particularly flash flood Gordon (Chief Naka gets credit for that one), I hope that they will be alright.

    Keep on postin' up like T-Bone Ward, DR staff.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The US CANNOT boycot these olympics as China owns our country. We are in HUGE debt to them and therefore cant afford to boycot. Plus, all those people who have been abused/tortured prolly deserved it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have been waiting for that website for years. Thank you. Now make me one that educates about the sensitive topic of age of consent and the perks /penalties that accompany it.

    I really hope Jen frequents this site and the comments section, Cots.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't you at the DR staff understand that your posts are my livelihood. If one of you doesn't post soon, I am going to have to do this to you:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEmknrSf73k

    ReplyDelete