Friday, January 25, 2008

Omar "the track star" Bin Laden

Shalom, my avid readers. Five days removed from a most disturbing Sunday, I'm still struggling w/ the notion of a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl. Fortunately, the superbowl is more about super-pretzels & cheetos than it is about watching the actual game. Unfortunately, its hot in Arizona and we won't be able to make fun of Tom Coughlin's slowly deforming face. Could the man not locate a ski mask? In any event, the Patriots, sadly, look rather unstoppable. Combine that with my personal feeling that the Giants are a frauds, and the Patriots march to yet another championship. Looks like another parade in Boston for Tom Brady.

Far more important than any superbowl is the big news coming out of Egypt. Omar Bin Laden (27), Osama's son, is telling the world, and namely his father, that terrorism is wrong. Way to go Omar! In reading about Omar, I learned some other interesting things. For instance, Osama has fathered 19 children. At that rate, he should be playing power forward for the Seattle Supersonics. Omar tells CNN that "Most of the time [Osama] busy, so busy, all the day he's busy [with] his friends. He was working a lot." Let's not beat around the bush, Omar, your father certainly wasn't. Louie Anderson "worked" at McDowells, papa Osama wasn't exactly your minimum wage earner...I also learned that being the son of the most wanted man in the world gets you some fine company of the older variety. His new wife is 51, a grandmother and proud owner of some big titties . Apparently she's into riding horses, and no Omar, that is not a compliment to you. It would appear that Omar and Osama aren't on the best terms, but what if Osama decided to reach out to Omar? Would Omar welcome his deadbeat dad back into his life, or would their reunion look something like this?


Perhaps Uncle Phil should be sent in to resolve the crisis in the Middle East after all. Osama's new daughter-in law has been married five times, and challenges the world to prove Osama's role in 9/11. "I'd like you to show me the evidence. I don't think it's nice to make assumptions about someone when you don't know the facts." Well said, Jane, ignorance is truly bliss.

From the department of "NO WAY" this revelation has everyone questioning whether male ice skaters can actually be heterosexuals .** Well, while we at the DR don't give up our stereotypes that easily, we certainly support your fight, Scott. Adamant self-denial is a virtue, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!


Weekly honor/dishonorable roll:
Props to Sammy D for posting double doubles against Duncan, KG and Bosh, while also more than holding his own against Yao. You, sir, continue to inspire. And just when you thought Sammy was the only Philadelphia athlete w/ Canadian national team ties, I remind you otherwise. Don't recognize the man to the left? This might help

No props to Brett Favre. Way to show your age and throw a lame duck interception at the most inconvenient of times. I'm holding you personally responsible for a Patriots perfect season, the Giants in the big game, and my corresponding freefall into the depression.

Props to Temple's Dionte Christmas. College basketball isn't exactly thriving in our fine city these days, but leave it to Temple to find a crackhead skinny scoring machine from the depths of N. Philly to build a mediocre team around. A blowout victory over a ranked Xavier surely had famous musketeer alumni in tears. Do I smell the NIT?

No Props to this man. I hate you and your fat face. You couldn't even make the scene in Rocky V starring every other Daily News writer and even Big Al. You're a disgrace to the overweight.

Props to Chris Coste. Thinking anyone will buy your book is a commendable level of delusion.

No props to Herschel Walker. You've lost your mind.

Props to the Phillie Phanatic: You were recently named the top mascot in sports by Forbes magazine. Show 'em how the Galapogos do young bull.

Props to whoever spent 800 bucks to watch the Flyers w/ Sammy D.

Props to Matt Roloff. What is that you say? If Billy Joel can do it, why can't you? Kudos, my miniature friend. Never let dwarfism get in the way of drinking and driving.

Props to Wesley Snipes. No better way to fight the IRS then show up dressed convincingly like Malcolm X.

Props to Michael Chang, you were just elected into the international tennis hall of fame. We all exercise our quads, praise jesus and pump our reebok pumps in your honor..

No props to the Phillies front office. I know this is how the arbitration game is played, but let's dig deep, like Fort Knox deep and get Ryan Howard signed for years to come. I don't want to hear that we are 3 million apart. I want to hear that we expect 55 homers, 140 RBIs until I'm 40.

Props to BJ Armstrong, America's new foreign ambassador to Israel.

Sixers Predictions:

I would like to point out that pending tonight's result, I had a perfect week. 3-0 in predictions. That's how I roll.

At Charlotte on Saturday: This team is paying Matt Carroll damn near 6 million dollars. SIX MILLION to a guy whose not even the best player in his family. True, they have a grip of Tar Heels, but they also have a guy named Jomareo. Sixers prevail in my adopted home state 99-93.

Wednesday in Milwaukee: You know how I feel about the Bucks. They got a couple guys I like, a couple guys I fear, and a couple guys I've never heard of. That being said, Sammy OWNS Bogut in the paint, Young Thad rewards the coach w/ a great starting performance, and the Sixers make it three in a row. Sixers 103, Bucks 99.

Friday in Orlando. Let me be clear about a few things: I love Jameer Nelson, I hate JJ Redick, and wish we had Dwight Howard, Jesus freak and all. Sixers lose this one ugly, Magic 104, Sixers 87.

**we at the DR know that ice skaters can, indeed, be heterosexual. It's gymnasts that have us confused.

7 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Anyone who thinks I am NOT buying Chris Coste's book is suffering from a severe delusion.

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  3. I had a poster of Michael Chang on my wall. Does that make me a devout Christian?

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  4. No lie that Fresh Prince clip makes me cry every time.

    And I have a problem with the Asian driver stereotype. You know who sucks at driving? Everyone!! All the best drivers I know drive better when drunk and I'll leave it at that.

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  5. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=664k3L1ym3E

    Drew,

    Watch NBC at 8PM tonight. I expect a full report tomorrow.

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  6. Cots, remind who that ice skating bitch with the circa late 90's - early 90's Roxborough haircut and a Willow Grove fahg partner is, and why I'm supposed to care?

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