Thursday, July 31, 2008

Back in the Fold

I'm fresh off a tense and regrettable experience: The New York bar exam. I spent the last two days surrounded by nervous and easily agitated people, not to mention the panicked and obsessive. After over 12 hours of torts, property, wills and secured transactions, I realized a few important things. One, the only thing worse than being a lawyer is trying to become one. Second, women take much longer to go to the bathroom then men - the women's line to take a piss was outrageous. I've never been so happy to pee standing up. Third, their are few greater joys than wearing ear plugs and repeatedly squishing them in your ear and letting them expand to fill your eardrum. Seriously, I urge you all to go out there and do this immediately, you will thank me later. And lastly, when all else fails, and things are really looking down, it appears that ANYONE can earn a few extra bucks and proctor a bar exam. From the homeless to the elderly, from the nearly blind to the grossly overweight, lawyers are best monitored by those with nothing better to do than sit and watch you try to cheat for two consecutive days.

The Nationals are a deplorable collection of professional ballplayers. I have never heard of damn near everyone on their team. But I love them nonetheless. Nothing like needing Ws, rolling down I-95, and spanking a division doormat. As anyone who knows me can attest, I bitch and moan about the Phillies more than I do just about anything else. But I have this weird sense of confidence that this season is going to pan out in a beautiful, almost cosmically ordained way. See the Mets have the more famous players and the bigger paychecks. They've got Wright, Pedro, Billy Wagner, Beltran and a host of other well-recognizable names. They are, without question, the Alpha Betas of the division. And though we lack a black homosexual, we have a Japanese dude, some young talent, and bonified leaders. And what happened when the Lamdas went head-t0-head with the Alphas Betas? Ill tell you what happened - The Lambdas stole their bitches and took over the Greek Council. Not to mention they jammed the fuck out. In no time we too will be spying on hair pie and smoking weed with the Moos. So stick with the squad, and ignore my suicidal tendencies through the end of September, because you heard it here: the Phillies are making the playoffs, and doing damage once there.

We all have our rights of passage. For my people, we sport double breasted suits and chant hebrew to a collection of horny 7th graders. For the Indian folk, they grow that first grip of facial hair. And for my beloved Koreans, there's that first time getting burned by the popping grease bubbles jumping off the the Korean BBQ fire pit in the middle of the table. But why did I have to go to hebrew school twice a week, get mugged at the nearby Burger King and chant a foreign language to become a man when my black brethren had to only learn the art of persuasion and deceit? My recent trip to New York reminded me of the eternal question that confounds us all: why is it that the only way to fund a fresh set of basketball uniforms for the local church league is through mass distribution of king size peanut M&Ms? And perhaps more importantly, why can I not turn these unsolicited offers down? It's as though I am incapable of resisting the opportunity to eat a melted twix and subconsciously encourage these young entrepreneurs to continue engaging in overt fraud. My thing is, why not just sell the candy on the street, advertise it as a candy bar sale, for...get this...a profit!! You know, cold, hard cash. Why the lies? We don't care what you spend that dough on, but we both know little Rasheed from down the block ain't getting that fly new reversible jumpoff. But regardless, forget throwing some dough in favor of a war veteran. After all, they can always go proctor the bar exam. These kids need jerseys, people! God knows how a 24 pack of extra large snickers bars ends up in the possession of a 6'1 twelve year old, but who am I not to pay $2.00 for some chocolate delight.

And to you, John Street. When you walk into a Verizon store, and there is a long line of people waiting to get some terrible customer service from any number of sales representatives with bluetooth earpieces in, what makes you think that you have the right to skip the line and prioritize your bill statement confusion over my desire to buy a new telephone? Oh sure, occupy 1/2 the sales team with some mindless question while I wait patiently to have my question ultimately left unanswered. I want those twenty minutes of my life back.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Spot Rusherz

Sixers Sign Royal Ivey and Kareem Rush:
What off-season would be complete without signing players of questionable skill and debatable effectiveness? In the spirit of adding random bodies to the roster the Sixers signed a guy named Royal Ivey and garbage-time extraordinaire Kareem Rush. I love both singings. Royal Ivey, besides having a memorable name, can add some size and versatility to the backcourt. Kareem Rush, a member of the Rush family, the NBA's version of the Baldwin's, has a shooting stroke sweeter than Jimmy Chitwood and a pedigree akin to Shiloh Pitt. Both guys are cheap, both guys have something to prove, and both are low-risk additions.

I do wonder about Kareem Rush. This dude can clearly shoot the lights out, is a former first-round pick, and as had some success in the league. Is there something we don't know? I guess we'll find out, but for now I'm jumping to overly optimistic conclusions and assuming he's the answer to our shooting woes.

As for Your Royal Iveyness, his appearance on the local scene, coupled with the Eagles drafting of King Dunlap, makes Philadelphia the new Zamunda. Truly a city of brotherly eminence.

Leo Rautins Must Die:
For those that missed this important story, our hero and namesake Samuel Dalembert was booted off the Canadian Olympic Basketball team by head coach Leo Rautins. Leo The Lowlife claims that Sammy was selfish and lazy, a detriment to the national team. Days after kicking Sam off the team, Team Canada lost to Team USA 120-65. Good call Rautins, way to get rid of your best player, not to mention your only computer savvy Haitian. Basically anything negative that is printed or spoken about Sammy D is blasphemy in my eyes and will not be tolerated. I dare Leo Rautins to show his face in the DR offices anytime soon. I will destroy him. As for Sammy, you were always too special to be fucking with Team Canada. Take the next month off, relax, build a robot or two, donate some time to constructing a school in Port Au Prince, and get ready for NBA 2008-2009, otherwise known as the year you make the All-Star team and turn your contract into the bargain of the century.

Speaking of Contracts:
Did anyone noticed that Andris Bierdins got 62 million from the Warriors, and Emeka Stinking Okafor got 72 million from the moron Bobcats? The good news is that Sam Dalembert is much better than either of those guys and makes less money. The bad news is that Andre Iguodala is also much better than those two and now stands to makes much more. If Emeka Okafor gets 72 mil, how much will Iggy get? Remember, Elton Brand signed for five years 79 million.

The Phillies:
I stand by my earlier statement that the Mets can't fuck with us when it truly matters. With the trade deadline rapidly approaching the rumors are flying. Manny Ramirez wants to be traded. Would we swap Manny for Pat Burrell? Objectively, Manny is a better, more productive offensive player. He's also an imbecile. I have a great idea: trade Pat for Manny, then let Manny sign somewhere else and resign Pat in the off-season. I'd also like to thank the Washington Nationals for doing what no minor league team could do: make Brett Myers look like a real major league pitcher again. Keep it up Nats.

Congrats to The Soul:
You have given the city of Philadelphia an Arena League Title, aka diddlysquat. I hope a bunch of you guys got laid this week, otherwise your championship really did nothing for nobody. Do me a favor and stop being owned by Bon Jovi, a huge douchebag if I ever saw one.

Hey Eagles:
Pay BWest, cut Darren Howard, and tell me what the hell is going on with Shawn Andrews. I'm starting to worry he's a crazy person and is staying home to take care of his "sick" stuffed animals or some shit. Shawn, get your big Arkansas ass to camp, pronto. That is all.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

SO's Wa, MA, AI and That Fucker Brett Favre

It's amazing how even in the dull heat of late July the sports scene, with only MLB baseball in action, can keep me on edge with excitement, outrage, and incredulity. So what exactly is piquing my interest this week? I hope enough for everyone, but it will help greatly if you are a Philly fan.

The Redemption of So:
Fear not Phillies fans, even after tonight's disappointing 6-3 loss to the Mets we have no reason to worry. What? No reason to worry? Isn't there always reason to worry? Well....yes, of course, but here's why the Mets can't beat us when it matters:
1)They have no heart, we got more heart than ten Olympic rowers wrestling five elephants in here.
2)Psychologically they are mere crumbs and will scatter to the wind come September when our big drums begin to sound.
3)We have three legitimate Mets killers: JRoll, Patrick McBatrick, and So Taguchi. Yeah you heard me, So is a card carrying member of the Mets Fans Want Me To Die club, and if you think I'm exaggerating his amazing at-bat on Tuesday, please escort yourself to the internet and type in So Taguchi, NLCS, 2006. He balled all day on those fools. I'd also like to add that Billy Wagner can also be considered a Mets killer, even though he currently plays for them.

Here's what great about So Taguchi: His name, his ethnicity, and his uniform number. Anyone named So is cooler than me and you, all Japanese people are high quality humans, and wearing the number 99 stinks so good of dignified confidence. Don't let his meager statistics fool or worry you, come crunch time he will make it rain Wa all over the competition.

Mr. Ma in Las Vegas:
I somehow stayed out of the Elton Brand signing madness, which was a mistake. I have many opinions on the newest Sixers, all positive, yet all covered with care and due diligence by the rest of the crack staff here at the DR. What I'd like to bring to the attention of the world is the other newest Sixer, a man named Marreese. First of all I have an honest question for anybody who cares to find out: does he pronounce his name as it's spelled or the way Maurice Cheeks does? Seriously I'd like to know. If it is pronounced Maurice I will be thrilled but quietly incredulous.
What makes Marreese worthy of attention in July is his performance in last weeks summer league in Las Vegas. Playing against other rookies, young players, and free-agent wannabees, Speights was a force and according to more than one reporter, among the most impressive players all week. Take a look at the young man in action and get away from me if you aren't excited.
I know the summer league is glorified pick-up and there's no D and whatever whatever. I don't care. I picture Marreese with another twenty-five pounds on his frame, a few years of private post-play tutoring from Dr. Brand, and I see a player who should have been picked way before sixteen. He's the dude who will play ten minutes a game this year giving fans everywhere the chance to scratch their heads and ask: who is that guy who dunked three times before picking up four quick fouls and leaving the game? The answer: Marreese. Pronounced Maurice. But I'm not positive.

The AI Scenario:
I have a highly brilliant idea which I'd like to propose to you and all the movers and shakers in the world who can help make it happen. The Sixers will be improved this year. They may even win a couple rounds in the playoffs. I don't think they are ready to compete seriously for a title yet, and that's fine with me. I will enjoy watching them grow and mature together for another year, and expect them to play hard and be fun to watch. To make the next step we'll need more help. The defense and rebounding will need to tighten up and become consistently excellent. The shooting will have to improve. So will the coaching. We also need a guy who can get tough hoops in the fourth quarter, somebody who can create with the ball and get to the free-throw line. Maybe Lou Will is that guy. Maybe not. I know one thing for sure: Allen Iverson will be a free-agent next year. And Allen Iverson can create off the dribble, knock down tough shots and get to the free-throw line while being waterboarded in a desert cave. Wouldn't it be kind of perfect if we signed AI for the mid-level, brought him home, and used him as our sixth man? Just thinking out loud. BRING AI HOME! More on this idea to come.

Favre is Gabrage:
I don't have much more to add but I want to make it clear that in my eyes, Brett Favre sucks. I do think his consecutive games streak is amazing but besides that, when was the last time he was good? Last year doesn't count because the postseason choke job was as inevitable as Charlie Manuel's next heart attack. Fucking retire and shut up Brett.

Jermaine Dupri, Eat Your Heart Out


Just one of those days

With Larry Mendte freaking everyone out, I think it's time to embrace our other, more benign local TV personalities. Let's see YOUR local sports guy show a more sensitive side

Kidnap That Fool!

This video brought a smile to my hungover face this morning. Flintskins, as a man with joint passions for late 90's rap and kiddie fiddling, you should appreciate this especially.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Hit it to me...and by me I mean the left field corner

Why is this man thanking the good lord up above? Well, it certainly isn't because he has straight teeth. Top of 9, two men on, tie game, in Shea, already a miraculous comeback. Whereas their leader would turn to steroids and chewing tabacco, our leader turns to his secret sauce:

One huge inhale, some pine tar, and some swagger to the plate later, J roll laces a double down the left field line, and extends a shit eating grin seen - or at least felt - throughout the five boroughs. Man oh man oh man! Random victories in the middle of July can feel oh so good.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Angels in the Outfield

It was the early morning hours of a warm Thursday in September 2007, and parts of the DR staff found ourselves smoking outside of Dirty Franks when we were approached by a diminutive Japanese tourist demanding to know the way to Citizens Bank Park. He'd recently arrived from the town of Yokohama, bearing a small backpack, very few words of English, and an inscrutable love for the Phillies. And thus the saga of Kaoru Obuchi was born.

Kaoru proceeded to crash on the couch at 206 S. 3rd street and would later accompany myself, phyllismag and Chief Naka to watch in horror as Kaz Matsui singlehandedly crushed the Phillies world series dreams. None of that bothered Kaoru, however. He had traveled halfway around the world to cheer on the Phils, and despite our being down 10 or so runs, his screams of "PHIRRIES!!!!! NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!" could be heard echoing around the stadium even as the home crowd streamed for the exits in a Smarty Jonesian attitude of defeat.

A day later I received a phone call from what sounded like a large black gentleman.

"Yo, this eldiablogrande?"
"You know some little Japanese dude?"
"Ummm, sure."
"Yeah, he wanna talk to you"

At which point Kaoru Obuchi, who only 48 hours earlier been probably minutes from robbery, probable sodomy, and possible death as he wandered cluelessly through the mean streets of Philly, detailed his plan to leave the city of brotherly love in order to fly to Colorado and cheer on his beloved Phils.

Upon which point Kaoru Obuchi vanished from my life, presumably forever, leaving nothing but an email address and the vague feeling of having been visited by some extra-terrestrial, possibly supernatural being.

Until today, when I received possibly the best email of all time:

Hello Sam!

My name is Kaoru Obuchi who is one of Phillies' fan. Last year, you helped me very much and I'm so sorry that I respond too late your E-mail.

Unfortunately, I couldn't go to Colorado, but I could go back to Yokohama. I look foward to go to Citizens Bank Park again someday, and meet you.

May Phillies advance to the playoffs again this year!

Do they have email in heaven? I don't know the answer to that question, but as the Phightins begin their second half campaign, I do know that the greatest Phillies fan of all time is watching over them. May the Phillies advance to the playoffs indeed!

Monday, July 14, 2008


Will going on his honeymoon stop dvdubs from commenting? We certainly hope not. Congrats to the newly minted Mr. and Mrs. Van Calbeck. Your both stars. Bright, shining stars. The Dalembert Report wishes you the best of luck.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Are We Done yet?

Are we done yet? Should we be done yet? These are the questions on my mind these days regarding our beloved Sixies. Have we made huge strides in becoming not only relevant, but also a true player in the eastern conference? I think we have. Our favorite squadron should be 10 wins better this season. Let us take a moment to look at our starting five if the season were to start tomorrow:

PG- 'Dre miller
SG- Iggy Diggy Do
SF-Young Thad
PF-Elton Brand

On paper, This lineup looks to be good, really good. Reggie Evans is a very good player when coming off the bench top provide a spark. Lou Will is instant offense off the bench and I believe Willard Green can be the same sort of guy. I do have a couple of questions about the team though. I may be crazy, I may listen to too much 610, but the way I see it is that we are in need of a true shooting guard. I am not saying its time to sign and trade Iggy, and I am not saying eventually he will not be able to bung tres from all over the court, but right now we need a shooter. Lets examine all possibilities:

1) Get ourselves a 15-20 minute a game dead eye sharpshooter. Without making any trades and in effect keeping our team intact the way it stands now, we have 4 legit options in my mind. All four of these men are free agents.
a) Eddie House - There is no doubt that this man can flat out shoot. he has a billion tats and is married to Mike Bibby's sister. This last fact obviously lends itself to us landing young Edward as his Father in law is also a coach on our bench.
b)Matt Barnes - It would be a homecoming of sorts for this man. Like Bruce Bowen and Raja bell before him, he wasn't good when he was here, but after he left got good. For once let us bask in your improvement and bring it back to where it all started Matt! Yes he is a forward, but in the season when he got his most burn, the man went 106-290 from the land of trey(a 37% avg.)
c) Derek Anderson - yes this guy is way old and not really that good. Could he come in for 12-16 minutes a night and hit some open jumpies thanks to a Elton Brand double team? I think so. That's bout all i can say about this man.
d) Dajuan Wagner - Who is that I hear you asking? What!! You forget already? A Camden high school legend who dropped 100 in game, was Harriet Hickeys prize student, and appears to have his bags packed and ready to go right now. Apparently he is making a comeback, is healthy and killing it in the summer league. C'mon fast Eddie give him a shot!

2) I am not necessarily for this course of action, but I just want to through it out there for public consumption. Sign and trade Iggy. Why? If we could get a legit starting 2 who can shoot the rock we might be really really good. Elton WILL command the double team, thus creating open shoots for our wing players. On the one hand this might be all our guys need to start bungin em from everywhere, on the other maybe we just need a shooter. I have two proposals for possible(plausible? nah) trades.
a) Iggy for Monta Ellis - I love love love Monta, he is real young, has a deadly mid range game and might be the fastest player in the league. The only problem is he is actually worse than Iggy at shooting the three ball.
b) Iggy for Rippard Hamilton - I don't love rip, I did go to basketball camp with him, him and his brother Bo wore the gayest T-shirts that had on sleeve cut off and the other in tassels. Why Does this make sense? Because this guy can nail an open jumper, which he would have plenty of thanks to Mr. brand.

- I just want to make it clear that I want to keep number 9 on board and keep building, just wanted to start a dialogue on my own with the help of others...(see DVDubs)
- Good luck this weekend Dan, wish you the best...take it from a married guy, your life is OVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(diabolical sounding laugh)

That's When Ya Lost

Sorry Pat, we tried.

Despite our combined efforts (read: my 100+ votes and the three chipped in by everyone else), The Glove finished in third place in the final ballot voting. Before you hit the bottle to deal with the deep, dark pain that this has surely caused, all hope is not lost. Alfonso Soriano, the Cubs' douchebag left-fielder was scratched from the team, likely due to some form of buggery related injury. In his place, NL All Star manager Clint Hurdle has decided to promote perennial douchebag Matt Holliday to the position of starting left-fielder. This is significant because there is now an empty roster spot, and while logic might seem to point towards giving the spot to the second place finisher of the final ballot voting (a distinction held by New York Met David Wright, the douchiest douche who ever douched), it can not be overlooked that it is an outfielder who has been removed from the lineup. Pat Burrell plays outfield. I think you see where I'm going with this.

Unfortunately, Clint Hurdle is a dick, who is reported to not be a big Phillie fan, despite that his Rockies team - douchebags that they are - SWEPT us in the NL Divisional Series last year. Beyond his alleged personal bias, people who know a lot more about sports than I do have reported that there are three far likelier candidates for the opening, in the forms of our own Ryan Howard, who leads the league in homers and RBI's despite having a .234 batting average and 125 strike outs (but see Clint Hurdle being a Phillie hating douche for why that won't happen); the aforementioned Met/Summer's Eve spokesman David Wright; and the likeliest candidate Houston Astros outfielder Carlos Lee, who finished last in Final Ballot voting despite having the strongest numbers in the entire group.

Despite all of the evidence supporting Pat being overlooked for the final roster spot mounting against him, I remain hopeful. As many of you know, I'm not really into "causes" or "seeing things through to the end" but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. Pat deserves to be an All-Star dammit, and I think it's his year, and there is nothing Clint Hurdle can do to stop me from making that happen. Unless his phone number isn't listed. Then Pat and I are both screwed.

UPDATE: It would appear that the good folks (the one dude) over at Pat Burrell For All-Star know more about all of this than I do. Seems that only people from the Final Ballot can be considered for the open spot. That means Howard is ineligible. So it's between Pat, Douchebag Wright, Carlos Lee and Aaron "Former Cuz, Current Douche" Rowand. Pray for Pat.

Also, head over to PBFAS to read their brilliant open letter to Clint Hurdle, who as I may have mentioned before, is a dick.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Do you really want this to happen to Pat and his All-Star dreams?

I have it on very fucking high authority that many of you, DR Editorial Staff included, have not yet cast your vote(s) for Pat. We have months to discuss Elton Brand, but we have LESS THAN 28 HOURS TO VOTE FOR PAT. Click here, or copy and paste below. Do it, do it NOW!


Sorry for overwhelming the commentariat with repeatedly amateurish Brand-Herzog photoshop jobs. But as Big Marth once famously said: "That is a big bear!" OK. I promise I'll stop now.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Little Elton Needs to Fly

Dieter Dengler has joined the Sixers. After all the machinations, discussions, digressions, capologies and josh smith-inspired wet dreams, it appears that the part time LA Clippers power forward and full time 'Rescue Dawn' producer Elton Brand will indeed be joining the Sixies next year.

It may be the 7 (going on 8) beers talking, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

It's not that E Brand is that great (even though he might be). It's not that this move instantly puts us in the east elite (even though it might). But the signal that easy Eddie sent to the rest of the league with this move is that the team out of Philly is not fucking around. Getting E Brand (someone get this dude a nickname, STAT) over a major market squad (Clips), and over a playoff team who offered him significantly more scrilla (Warriors) is a great big middle finger from our fat bald-headed GM to all the other squads in the league. And it's a big fat holler-come-see-us to every potential free agent (Iggy, Louwill and Dre in particular) in the entirety of the NuhBuh.

Earlier today i was speaking with my main mans and co-defendant Dr. Russakoff, who true to his pragmatic steez remarked that what the Sixers needed was 'a young Karl Malone or a healthy Elton Brand - and we're getting neither'. Which is true. Just hours ago i knew in my heart that i wanted Josh Smith at 65 million to Grizzly Brand at 90.

But damn son! Dre, Iggy, Thad (breakout season), Brandeis and Sammy D as the starting 5!? J Suave, Uncle Reg, and Louwill rounding out the top 8!? We're short a dead-eye shooter to be sure, but that lineup is fucking with anybody in the East!

Sure, Elton could be a 17 million a year cap albatross for the next 5 years. But at least we'll still have Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski sitting courtside!

Damn These Restrictions

When the NBA Draft concluded I asked myself a simple question: Why keep on living? I felt like Sylvester Stallone after Rocky IV premiered; having conquered the art of cinema, elevated the human body's ability to consume anabolic steroids, AND delivered a thrilling knockout to the Soviet Union and in the process the Cold War, Sly was at a crossroads. I dare not compare myself to Sly, but I imagine he felt like a man without a clear path, much as I felt. But Rocky shows us there is always another fight to make people suffer through, and just as Sly fell in love with Brigitte Nielsen and casted her in his next classic movie, Cobra, I have fallen in love with my next obsession: The free agent class of 2008.

Overall the free agents aren't a very exciting bunch. In fact, even using the term "free-agent class" assumes there are some free agents, which there hardly are. So why am I so excited? Because in a miraculous flipping of all scripts, this summer the Sixers have money to spend, and the rest of the league doesn't. It's like working at a summer camp that one magical summer when all the females are blazing hot and the rest of the male staff is gay. Unfortunately it's never quite that simple, and just as half the blazing hot female staff have boyfriends back home, half the free-agents are in some way restricted or unavailable. It's highly frustrating. What we need to keep in mind is this: money will conquer all in the end, just like straightness eventually conquered gayness at camp. If you bide your time, avoid obvious traps and limit the desperate acts, you will end up with someone who makes you happy. At the very least you'll have something you can brag and exaggerate about to your friends back home. The odds simply will not be denied.

So who is out there and what will it take to get them? This question is simple at first glance but quickly becomes a Rubik's Cube of possibility. As a Sixer fan, here is a quick rundown of what the options are as of this week:

Unrestricted Free-Agents:

Elton Brand: A solid, consistent power forward who scores and rebounds and seems like a nice guy. Attending Duke is a con but he has since put in time in two concentration camp-type settings: post-Jordan Bulls and the LA Clippers. He has earned his stripes.
Summer Camp Equivalent: Older hottie who is the complete package of looks and personality who recently broke up with her long-time boyfriend. Word is that she chopped off all her hair and people are curious how she'll look with short hair.

Corey Maggette: Another Clipper, he scores a lot and maybe grabs a rebound if it comes directly to him. I'm not interested in him.
Summer Camp Equivalent: Super attractive tease who parlays big boobs and revealing swim-wear into plenty of attention. Your buddy hooked up with her and said she wasn't cool and kissed like a starving bird. Risky.

James Jones: Totally mediocre guy who can hit a three once in a while. His appearance on this list proves how few real free-agents there are. I checked his stats and was impressed by how terrible they are.
Summer Camp Equivalent: Totally mediocre girl who has one outfit she looks good in and when she wears the one outfit you think hmmm, maybe she's hot, but then the next day she wears something else and you realize she's not hot.

James Posey: Rugged defender and proven winner who will get offers based on his track record of hitting big shots and being a team guy.
Summer Camp Equivalent: Low-maintenance city girl who has had sex, listens to good music, and can roll a joint. She never looks all that hot until the end of the summer when she has a tan and has lost 10 pounds from hiking and swimming all summer, and you're left wondering why you didn't try to get with her.

Restricted Free-Agents:

Josh Smith:
the Holy Grail of upside. Visions of him rejecting dunk attempts, running the floor and finishing with a windmill bung from the free-throw line dance in my head. He's big, he's freaky athletic, he's young, and he's restricted. DAMMIT.
Summer Camp Equivalent: The undisputed most slamming girl at camp. Her early awkward phase appears to be over and she showed up last summer with a booming body, teeth free of braces, and a fetching new hairstyle. Problem is, she's still with her dorky boyfriend, and even if they break up nobody is sure how she'll react to the pressure of being the hottest single girl at camp. Tantalizing but not without risks.

Emeka Okafor: Undeniable defensive presence and former #1 pick in the draft. Scoring skills are average and he gets hurt a lot. Him and Dalembert together would be interesting but redundant.
Summer Camp Equivalent: Was once considered one of the hottest girls at camp until she decided to stop shaving and grow dreadlocks. Still has all the ingredients but too often starts ranting about veganism and you lose patience and look for somebody else to talk to.

Ben Gordon: Streaky offensive player who is small and not particularly great at anything. The Sixers need another scorer and he's not a terrible option at a reasonable price, though I haven't heard they are interested.
Summer Camp Equivalent: The cute girl who made a total fool of herself at the post-camp party last year and hooked-up with the all the wrong people. Needs to redeem herself somehow.

Josh Childress: Afro'd sixth man who will bring hustle, defense, and a touch of scoring.
Summer Camp Equiv: Best friend of the hottest girl in camp, it's hard to tell if she really is cool or just benefiting from reflected glow. Nice legs, bad breath.

This really could go on for days. My basic point is that summer camp is awesome. And there are way too many restricted free agents. As it stands now the Sixers have hosted Josh Smith and will hopefully offer him a contract on July 9th. I read today that they also have serious interest in Brand, and are looking to shed more salary(a Rodney Carney trade was mentioned) in order to entice him further. If they can't sign Brand and Atlanta matches their offer to JSmith, look for Stefansky to get creative and work on a sign-and-trade. No matter what I need to go to bed. Later suckas!!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Pat the Glove Needs YOU

As we swiftly approach the All-Star break, two Phils, Utley and Lidge, are confirmed NL All-Stars. While this is good, the fact remains that both Cole Hamels and Pat Burrell were utterly jobbed by not being selected. For Cole, the dream is over and he will be forced to spend that night at home, violating his former Playmate wife in deviant ways that would make even a neanderthal blush; but for Pat, the dream has just begun.

Until THIS Thursday (July 10th) at 5PM EST, you can vote for Pat as many times as humanly possible for the final All-Star roster spot. I know, some of you hate the man, think he's lazy, slow, drunk, possibly a sexual deviant, but the fact is that he's a Phillie, so we owe it to him. Besides, he's never been an All-Star (outside of in mine and eldiablogrande's hearts, and Giuliano's sick fantasy world) and if this is indeed his last year in Philly, let's make it happen.

So click the below link, vote for whatever AL hump you want, and pick the Man/Machine.

Oh, and before I forget, the Mets are in town and have so far taken a 2-1 lead in this four game series. Mets fans, having special needs, easily forget the fact that their team is terrible and that they had a monumental collapse at the end of last year. I would like to take this moment to remind them, complete with visual aids. Go Phils.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A NEW star is born

And this one's wearing a tight shirt, designer jeans...and packing heat