Friday, March 30, 2007

it's about time

could it be that Philly media kingpin Brian Tierney has discovered what the Dalembert Report knew all along?

both the Inquirer and the Daily News go wall-to-wall with Dalembert coverage this friday, on the heels of Sam's 24-point 9-rebound 2-blocks on 12 of 15 shooting tour de force Wednesday night in DC. Our favorite piece of insight comes from Inky scribe and Dalembert Report fave Joe Juliano:

He will continue to work on his offensive moves and his inside game during the summer, but he also vowed to improve his diet, which he said consists of too much red meat.

"I'm already talking to some nutritionists about it and finding a better way," he said. "I have a tendency to eat any kind of stuff, but I'm going to change."

we think this sounds suspiciously like Sam has been sticking to the Iverson diet (Taco Bell and TGI Fridays), and we're looking forward to seeing what he can do when his veins are full of guava juice and rice pilaf.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


Lighthearted moments with Dikembe Mutombo, who should probably be Sammy's role model, especially when it comes to dietary habits and showering.

thanks to dalembert report loyalist and international player/humanitarian of the year Simon LeBronstein for this one.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Big Oogie

There's plenty of blame to go around for the Phillies bullpen suckitude. Some point to Pat Gillick's inaction; some to Tom Gordon's age; and still other's to Ryan Madson's inability to keep his ERA under 6.00. Here at the Dalembert report, we know the true culprit is Luisa Estella Morales Lamuño.

For those who don't know, that's the bitch who just put Oogie Urbina on timeout.

The 32-year-old free agent was convicted of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family's ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas.

You can't fault Oogie though -- in Philly that kind of shit doesn't even get prosecuted.

Shades of Heidi Williams

There's nothing quite like the sight of some drunk chick kicking her boyfriend in the face to make we at the dalembert report glad that we're single. The best part of this video is that it appears to take place within some manner of Medieval Times-type restaurant. One can only hope that its the very same South Central restaurant where Martin Lawrence works in Black Knight.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Cheer up. He's coming.

Hello Sixers fans. For those of you who might be upset, embarrassed, ashamed even, at consecutive blowout losses to the Rockets(by 50 points) and Pistons(a mere 20), watch this video and cheer up. If you, like me, were happy to catch some easy L's and look forward to more, watch this video and simply enjoy this quiet time before the huge game tonight against Charlotte. This video has inspired me to attempt a similar production with Sammy D as the star.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Breakin' Ribs(and hearts)

Pay close attention to the illegal yet brutally effective "pick" Sammy sets on the poor defender who is trying to guard Kyle Korver. Not only did Sam set a great "pick" which freed up Korver for the wide open game winner(boo), but if you watch closely he also broke the poor Utah defender in half and left him crumpled on the floor, crawling around gasping for air. The announcer even sounds hurt by it, and refers to it as "a deadly screen". Well done Sammy. Pay attention NBA: Sam Dalembert is a man with bad intentions, sharp elbows, and crack-back blocking talent unseen since Rick Mahorn menaced the league with the high fade box. Not even The Dalembert Report is certain what might happen if Sam mixes his natural talent with a cavalier thuggishness.

Lastly, while ribs are on my mind, I'd like to ask our comrade and resident rib-ologist Mister Mo over at The Rib Report what he's heard about the rib output from Utah. I'm sure Joseph Smith and Brigham Young left a secret sect recipe for loyal followers to bar-b-que with during special events like weddings and.....more weddings. What's in that secret sauce Mister Mo? Besides Big Love.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Go Go Gadgets

The NBA is filled with hilarious people. While hilarious people say hilarious things, annoying people tend to be annoying. Here is a recent interview with our favorite hilarious man.

Me: Sam, tough loss to Chicago the other night. Does a loss like that linger for a couple days?
Sam: It does. Often weeks. But I have to remind myself, I have other things in life to be happy about. After a game I'll go do this to enjoy life again and be peaceful inside.

Me: Wow Sammy I had no idea you were into photography. What inspires you?
Sam: A lot of things in everyday life. Women mostly. And toys. And the zoo.

Me: There's a lot of talk about the NBA Draft and how the Sixers should be losing to secure a higher pick. How do you feel about that?
Sam: I agree with it 100%.

Me: But you just said how a tough loss affects you for days, even weeks.
Sam: I was kidding!! If we get Oden or Durant we'll be so good everybody will be happy. I just want people to be happy.

Me: But you are still playing your hardest, right?
Sam: Of course. Unless Mr. Snider comes into the locker room and brings Coach Mo into the office and has a talk and Coach Mo comes out and tells us we should lose. But that only happened once or twice, and not for a while. Otherwise I play very hard.

Me: So will you guys beat Utah tonight?
Sam: I am expecting a loss. A win would be very surprising.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

The Haitian Bill Gates

Is there anything Sammy can't do?

KEVIN OLLIE said it was important for him to be nice to Samuel Dalembert, "because he cleaned up my computer." It would be even nicer, he was told, if Sammy could clean up the glass.

Paintball. Computers. Glass-cleaning. Sam practically redefines "multi-talented."

This story also begs the question of how much, and what type, of porn Kevin Ollie has on his hard drive to necessitate such a cleaning. One can only hope it's the long-rumored, never released Khalid El-Amin sex tape.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Buck 'Em Down

Intrepid Sixers beat writer Joe Juliano came through with some fascinating Sammy D insights yesterday. According to the article, not only do the Sixers hold an annual paintball outing, but our own favorite Haitian center is apparently the teams leading bucktowner.

"We are all amateurs when it comes to paintball," guard Willie Green said. "None of us are professionals except maybe Sam. Sam had a bazooka. I think he had like two 9-millimeter paintball guns and grenades. He came ready. I had to rent."

We knew that Sam learned to handle a machete, but apparently he's adjusted pretty well to American weaponry. I bet I know what his favorite amendment is!

Click here to read the whole article.

Sam had 20 boards in a loss (win) tonight against the Sonics. Maybe he should paintball more often.

Thursday, March 1, 2007


Got the chance to sit courtside for last nights incredible, improbable triumph over the high-flying Phoenix Suns. Sammy D is even more insane up close than he is on TV. Amare abused Sam and Steven Hunter all game, but he does that to everone. Sam came up with great pick and roll defense when it mattered most, and of course sealed the game with a turnaround J in Amare's grill as the shot clock expired, forcing a red-faced and exasperated D'Antoni into a timeout and propelling all 19 Sixers fans in attendance onto their feet in a rousing ovation.

Also got a chance to speak with a friend of Steve Solms' who scouts for the Clippers. His take on Sammy: "He's improving. Noticeably." Encouraging words. He also called Iguodala one of "the top young talents in the league", though he looked confused when asked about the prospects of Louis Williams III.

More importantly, loyal Dalembert Report reader Drewey Cheesesteaks has alerted us to the presence of this improbable YouTube clip, which demonstrates the shocking fact that not only is there someone out there who loves Sammy as much as we do, but that he/she has video editing skills and listen to really bad modern rock. Enjoy.