Donovan Rides On The Highway of Broken Stars

As fashionable as it is to pronounce the Donovan McNabb era dead and buried, I will hold off for the moment. The more I think about it the less surprised I will be if he's back next season. If Eagles fans know one thing about Andy Reid, besides that he has the parenting skills of Peter Griffin, it's that he's one stubborn fat man. He coaches with the mentality that whatever he's doing is right, will work, and should not be questioned, even if it's consistently wrong, does not work, and defies all logic. If logic and reason, not to mention salary repercussions, agree that Donovan McNabb should be in another uniform next year, well goshdarnit Andy will do the opposite. Which I'm ok with(fire Reid). But regardless of what happens after the season, I think it's worth re-tracing some of the important moments in Donovan's career, a rocky ten years of sustained drama fairly conventional for a superstar athlete in Philadelphia.

Being a superstar in Philadelphia means three things: you will be loved, you will be hated, and you will eventually leave. Philly fans are blood-sucking agents of adulation, a tireless mob of vampires constantly seeking the pacifying tonic of success, which a superstar can provide like no normal athlete. Superstars have the most blood, their blood tastes the best, and they're easier to find and eat than some puny bench-warmer who looks like everybody else and has sour blood. And that's what happens here in Philly, we eat our stars alive. They arrive on the scene with wide smiles encased in fresh-faces, unaware of everything except their own talent. They leave with wrinkles and exhausted eyes. Sometimes their eyes are exhausted due to concussions. Sometimes due to weed. But always exhausted.

Charles Barkley was traded in the prime of his career, sick of losing and made sicker by the sight of the early 90's uniforms. Eric Lindros went from The Next One to trade bait before the cobwebs cleared from his last concussion. Scott Rolen scoffed at a $100 million contract offer and high-tailed it to St. Louis, where the country grammar didn't include booing. Allen Iverson got traded after a decade of drama so pronounced it should have been shown on daytime television. Thus Donovan McNabb is just another in a line of superstar talents who's career will be heavily debated but unanimously labeled "disappointment". Here's what I'll remember:

Kiss The Don's Pinky: Moments of Greatness

Breaks Mark Carriers Ankles: I don't remember the year but I remember the play like it was yesterday. McNabb under pressure, scrambles to his left, avoids Bruce Smith, finds some running room, and is about five yards from the end-zone when confronted by Redskins safety Mark Carrier. Don squares up, shimmies like MJ in the Thriller video, leaves Carrier and his broken ego in a heap on the field and scores a touchdown.

Broken Leg Heroics: against Arizona in 2002, Don breaks his leg, then FINISHES THE GAME AND THROWS FOUR TOUCHDOWNS. Amazing. When I play old man basketball with my dad and assorted weekend warriors I often excuse myself from competition when I jam my finger or scrape my knee. People who accuse Don of being a wimp all-too-easily forget this effort.

4th and 26: Playoffs, at home, Green Bay and Brett Favre. 4th and 26 says it all and doesn't require much review. However it is worth noting that overall Donovan played a ridiculous game that day and merely capped it off with 4th and 26. I have the video, come over and watch if you don't believe me.

14 Seconds of Heaven: in front of a national audience in 2004 Donovan embarrassed the Dallas defense by spending more time on the run than Jason Bourne. After scrambling for an eternity he unleashed a throw Troy Aikmen called "the best throw I've ever seen" into the annoying hands of 1st round bust Freddie Mitchell. Supreme effort.

2004 NFC Championship Game: Don finally gets the Eagles into the Super Bowl with a strong game in a pressure-packed cauldron. Leads the Birds to a convincing win over Atlanta, throws a couple TD's, doesn't turn the ball over, hoists a big trophy over his head afterwards.


Donovan Needs Klonopin: His Moments of Infamy

Draft Day: He gets booed upon being drafted. Not his fault but part of his legacy here.

2002 NFC Championship Game vs. Tampa: coming off a broken leg, Donovan is stuffed by Tampa's defense and the Eagles lose one of the most painful games I have ever seen. Honestly not all his fault(fire Reid) but he certainly didn't play well and the final image from that game is of Ronde Barber returning a terrible McNabb pass ninety-something yards for a touchdown.

2004 Super Bowl: Mystery shrouds this game and maybe we will never know why exactly the Eagles played the second half as if it were a company cookout game of flag-football. The reality remains that McNabb threw three awful picks, was incapable of running a hurry-up offense at the end, and essentially turned in a turd of a game on the biggest stage. This game dogs him to this day, and will forever.

Don vs. TO, and TO wins: I can't really blame Donovan for not stooping down to TO's lunatic level of outright insubordination, but what I wanted was to see him stand up, call TO a fucking idiot, challenge him to a fistfight, and shatter TO's glass jaw. Unfortunately he played it too cool, tried to massage the situation and likely lost the respect of everyone in the locker room. A good punch to TO's jaw back in 2005 would have been like George McFly knockin Biff the fuck out in 1955: not only would TO be catching TD's in Philly now, he'd also be washing McNabb's car and applying two coats of wax.

Ties?: After a dismal tie against dismal Cincinnati, Donovan admits he had no idea NFL games could end in a tie. This is just annoying.


Maybe the final chapter in Donovan's career here will take a dramatic turn for the better. Maybe not. But if I had to guess I'd put my money on him leaving town like so many superstars before him, with a suitcase full of cash, a medicine cabinet full of anti-depressants, and just enough blood in his body to win for a new team in a new city.


On a sidenote, I grappled with whether or not to write about the 1st Annual Dalembert Awards Banquet and Stripper Extravaganza and decided to leave it up to my editorial comrades to take it on. I look forward to seeing in words a summary of events which I could scarcely find adequate language for.

For Your Consideration

As the unanimous winner of the DR LVP award, I am in the unique position to judge my compatriots whose ceaseless toil over the past year deserves and demands not only your respect, but more prestigious honors. I have read every word and clicked every link, and below you will find the nominees for the Inaugural Edition of the Dalembert Report Awards.

The rules are simple. There are 10 categories, each with 5 or 6 nominees. You may vote for one nominee in each category. Voting will be done via email. Make your selections and email them to thedalembertawards@gmail.com with the subject heading “Awards Ballot”. There is no standard format for the ballot; just make it clear. Anyone is eligible to vote regardless of age, race, sex, intelligence, citizenship, however, you must identify yourself on your ballot by full name or easily identifiable pseudonym (one person one vote people—it’s the law!).

Many of these nominees may make no sense to some of you. That’s ok. Vote anyway. The voting process requires you to take a little time, go back, re-read, get a sense of the context. Don’t be lazy—you will certainly smile, you might laugh, and there’s at least a chance you will vomit.

Voting will remain open until Friday, November 28th, 12:00am. The winners will be announced at the Dalembert Report Awards Dinner and Strip Club Gala on Saturday, November 29th.

Bitching, whining, complaining and politicking for you personal favorites (nominated or not) is encouraged, either via email or (preferably) in the comment section. Let’s hear it for Democracy!

- Stand Watie

The 2008 Dalembert Report Awards Nominees

The Shavlik Randolph Award for Best Use of Homophobia
1. Lets be real here folks is there a woman out there who doesn't want to marry a man obsessed with poop? No. If by chance you can find one though, I am sure she is a huge lezzer. That's right a Gay American. – Do You Like Funny Haircuts?, The Bul Bubak

2. The only dudes who remember other dudes' birthdays are likely the types of dudes who like other dudes. – Comment to Esquiring, Flintskinz

3. Whereas the tell of a homosexual in North Carolina was preferring Marlboro Milds to Reds, there is no such thing as a subtle statement in these parts. I, for one, can't wait to get spotted at the gym. – Live & Direct From Boystown, Big Firm

4. Stairs in the postgame press conference: "there's no better feeling than getting a big hit and coming back to the dugout and getting your ass hammered by guys." – Comment to What Does it All Mean?, Eldiablogrande

5. Taking down the gay picture was even gayer than the inherent gayness found within that really gay picture. – Comment to Veterans – So Much More Than a Stadium, Flintskinz

The Bring It Head Award for Best High School Reference
1. They have an Alaskan who can drain 20 footers w/ one hand, two hand, even three hands. – A New Year with New Purpose, Big Firm * - competition note – this reference was used many times throughout the year but credit must go to the initiator.

2. I mean truly suck, like mac marston suck. – A Silver Lining in Every Turnover, Big Firm

3. Keep on postin' up like T-Bone Ward, DR staff. – Comment to Back in Action, DVDubs

4. Andre Miller not only looks like Juice Goldman but he apparently has the same lift as Juice when taking a jumper. Don't get me wrong, I love Andre Miller, but every time he takes a midrange jumper, I find myself asking the age old question: What the Dilly Oh? – Now Class, What Have We Learned Today?, Big Firm

5. PCP makes me think of Matt Levinger. Am I alone there? – Comment to Don’t Trust Me, Trust Number 6, Big Firm

The Jerny Firm Award for Picture of the Year
1. Sammy D at the Mutter Museum – Oh Britney, Big Firm

2. The Wizard Calvin Booth – 76ers players…or PLAYERS?, The Bul Bubak

3. Strong Defense! – Strong Defense!, Eldiablogrande

4. We Out of Meet – Why Can’t Us?, Eldiablogrande

5. Bul and Mrs. Bubak Enjoy a Holiday in Egypt – Bul and Mrs. Bubak Enjoy a Holiday in Egypt, Eldiablogrande

The Latarian Milton Award for Video of the Year
1. Kyle Kendrick Goes to Japan – Brett Myers, Multi-Talented, Eldiablogrande

2. Sammy D at the Flyers’ game – Just Follow the Little Ball, Big Firm

3. Wrenches!! – A Star is Born, Big Firm

4. Rick Mahorn – Just Because..., Big Firm

5. Humm Wedding – In Sickness and in Phils, Eldiablogrande

The Let’s All Hope Dan Wins So He Doesn’t Hang Himself with an Aged Stripper’s G-String At the Dolphin Tavern After the Awards Dinner Award for Comment of the Year
1. So last week, while performing a Google search of my name, to make sure that it didn't show up on a porn site (long, much more innocuous and boring story than you imagine), the Dalembert Report came up on the first page, referencing me and Coach Kevin. I have two reactions to this.

First, I need to do more noteworthy shit if this blog makes the first page of a Google search for my name.

Secondly, I don't know how the Coach Kev mythology has evolved, but I think I need to set the record straight. He was talking to the entire 1996-1997 JV squad, not just me, when he uttered his infamous, immortal words. Eldiablogrande, if you are who I think you are, you should know better.

It also wasn't just me who ran around like a chicken with the deer in the headlights, by the way. Although he did call me a two game wonder.

On another note, Pedro Feliz is obviously the answer to our third base woes. Scott Rolen must find this very funny. – Comment on Halfway There, Steve

2. Entire comment section – The Love Below

3. you forget to mention that, upon arrival in philly, robin lopez would almost definitely join leana song and quite probably develop a serious coke habit. – Comment on Pez Dispenser, Anonymous

4. it's spelled yarmulke. Even I know that shit. Unless you have been buying your in Chinatown, it isn't yamaka. – Comment on Seeing is Believing, Flintskinz

5. I'm as happy as a pig in shit (more of a reality and less of a metaphor than it should be) that the Phirries are National laaaygue East Champs. I was in attendance, as was Flintskins (two hot dogs on Amorosso 'everything but the" rolls and many beers deep) when J-"everything but the" Roll made the splendid diving grab to turn two for the clincher. It was glorious.

I am optimistic about the Phightins going deeper into the playoffs this year than last, but it is going to take contributions from our many role-players, (not so) cleverly nicknamed below:

Eric Cuntlet and his flesh colored beard, or Sub-Gum Lo Mein
Tadahito "don't call me Taguchi" Iguchi and his interpreter
Gerg "That's not a ball; gimme a real ball" dnn-dn-d-d-dn-dnnnnnnnn Roy Hobbs Dobbs
Ryan Michael Madsen
Matt "I think there are some more rooms down-" Stairs
Clay Aiken Condrey
So Terrible Taguchi
Greg Molson Golson
Scott Jane Eyre
Geoff Albert Bolinski Jenkins

In addition to the solid, necessary contributions of our "carriers," we will need strong coaching decisions from Charlie "I say, I say" Manuel, Rich Duce & Pass Doobie, and Olerud Helmet Davey "I'm a SAG actor" Lopes.

I hope it all falls into place. Go Phils. – Comment on Return of the Jedi, DVDubs

The Bloody Fucking Womb Award for Quote of the Year
1. The DR is a living breathing animal, a fat furry creature with unspecified numbers of arms, legs, and tails. Sometimes we hibernate for months in a dark cave. Sometimes we graze the wide plains, with no particular focus, and lazily affirm our jungle cred with a subtle yet swift riposte. And every so often we go on creative outbursts akin to an Alpha male lion who beats down a young lion challenger, eats a lunch of fresh cheetah caught and prepared by four female lions, then naps in the sun after sexing the hell out of all four said females. The point is, you never know when we might get hungry, so stay tuned in to channel DR. – Sincerely Yours, Chief Naka

2. There are plenty of dull days ahead in which to discuss the relative merits of Elton Brand and Josh Smith, to drool over the tremendous upside potential of young black dudes with one year of college experience and incredibly ludicrous first names. – The Long Cold Winter of Our Discontent, Eldiablogrande

3. My recent trip to New York reminded me of the eternal question that confounds us all: why is it that the only way to fund a fresh set of basketball uniforms for the local church league is through mass distribution of king size peanut M&Ms? – Back in the Fold, Big Firm

4. That should not be a surprise since, judging from their size and personal hygiene, Team Spain was created when Bigfoot impregnated Rebecca Lobo. – Nervous as Hell at 4am, Chief Naka

5. If you really needed me to tell you that it was going to be a bloodbath, I highly recommend that you stop reading this page, walk away from the computer and head to the nearest hospital because there is an excellent chance you may have a massive, gaping head wound that is going to require immediate attention. – Shit Just Got Real, Flintskinz

6. Tomorrow I celebrate America's great veterans. Those that have put their lives on the line in the name of preserving democracy, all so we here at home can elect a black president and upset them all. – Veterans…So Much More Than a Stadium, Big Firm

The I Am A Corporate Drone Award for Best Use of Photoshop
1. Billy King Resume – One of These Things is Not Like the Others, Eldiablogrande

2. Michael Ironside – See You At Your Birthday Pahty Richter!, Eldiablogrande

3. Bul Bubak Eats Penis – I Choo Choo Choose You, Big Firm

4. Yoko Marbury – In Which Life is Good, Yet Inexorably Threatened by the Fucking Knicks, Eldiablogrande

5. Brokeback Mountain 2 – Don’t Trust Me, Trust Number 6, Flintskinz


The Jojari Award for Prediction of the Year
1. 2007's 0.21 post-per-day average will be at least doubled this year. - Year of the Haitian.....Canadian, Flintskinz * - Competition note – as of November 22, there have been 173 posts in 325 days, for an average of .53 posts-per-day, or 2.5 times more posts-per-day than last year.

2. Moreover, the Phillies are winning the fuckin World Series sometime soon. I'm talking "another Cincinnati Bengal gets arrested" soon. Now that Howard is toweling off with 100 dollar bills and Brett Myers has spent an entire off-season teaching his wife a lesson, not only should the NL East beware, but the majors at large should take note: the Phightins' mean bidness. A Silver Lining in Every Turnover, Big Firm

3. Now I'm no scientist, but you do the math: Big Firm in Clearwater 2007 = Phils in the postseason 2007; Big Firm in Clearwater 2008 = Phils in World Series 2008?? You can all thank me later. – Cuzzes in Paradise, Big Firm

4. With The Sixteenth Pick, The Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers select MARREESE SPEIGHTS. – If the Glove Don’t Fit, I’ll Still Predict, Chief Naka

5. Brett Myers stinks. Maybe the only way to reach him is to send him down to the minors for a little while to give him the clear message that his crappity-crap performances won't be tolerated, and maybe he can get his confidence back facing minor league hitters. – Comment to Naka Got Me Thinking…, DVDubs

The Home Run Kim Batiste Award for Best Obscure Philly Athlete Reference
1. Matt Harpring – KorverGate, Eldiablogrande

2. Rob Ducey (the other Philly athlete with Canadian roots) – Omar ‘the Track Star’ Bin Laden, Big Firm

3. Dickie Thon, Clyde Simmons, Seth Joyner, Rodney Buford, Von Hayes, Big Ben Rivera, Scotty Brooks, Sil Campusano, Eric Allen, Heathcliff Slocumb and a host of others who I once loved or oddly appreciated - if you aren't dead or in prison, I encourage you to unretire. – Go Away…And Stay Away, Big Firm

4. What about Jose Dejesus, Ken Howell, Rick Mahorn, Juan Samuel, Ricky Jordan, Greg Gross, Michael Zordic, Ron Hextall, and Eric Dejardins? – Comment to Go Away and Stay Away, DVDubs

5. Jeff Kemp, Rodney Peete, Ty(and Koy) Detmer, Bubby Brister, Bobby Hoying, Doug Pederson, and Mike McMahon. – Damn it Feels Good to be a Moron, Chief Naka

The Dalembert Award for Post of the Year
1. Ask the Bul Bubak, March 6 – the Bul Bubak

2. I Got Monkey Tooooooooooooo! – Eldiablogrande

3. Cuzzes in Paradise – Big Firm

4. Damn These Restrictions – Chief Naka

5. Looking Good Louis – Chief Naka

6. Go Away…and Stay Away – Big Firm

Sleazy... Demure... Athletic

One thing that I know for certain is that everyone who reads this blog loves titties. And that's not just because we are all perverts; it's because everyone in the world loves titties. Male, female, young, old... it doesn't matter. Titties carry a universal appeal.

You know what else carries a universal appeal? This guy:


Many thanks and props to our kindred spirits over at The Fightins for procuring this inspiring photograph.

Pic of the Day

It's not time to push the panic button yet people, but last nights debacle in Minneapolis was far from the Sixers proudest moment. I had a hard time watching the game, in part because of how poorly the Sixers played defense, in part because certain unnamed bloggers wanted to watch a different channel, and in part because looking at Mike Miller's face is terrifying. Mike Miller is so ugly, Halloween should be on his birthday. He's so ugly, that if bricks were ugly he'd be a housing project. He's so ugly, even Ted Danson wouldn't date him. He's so ugly, he makes Shawn Marion's jump shot look like Petra Nemcova. I mean, yeah, I'm bitter about the game but you get the point: Mike Miller is unnatractive. In fact, if Mike Miller and Tyrone Hill had a baby, it would probably look like this..

Anyway, on to the (real) Pic of the Day. If this image doesn't terrify you, you are either blind or your name is Big Firm, in which case you can begin masturbating... now.

Just to Piss Stand Watie Off...

and get the girls all fired up:

It's college basketball season people!

Staying Vigilant

Rarely do I feel like the whitest guy in the room. In fact, quite the opposite, I often feel like the blackest. But yesterday was a rare exception. With the African Bull in town for a little "work", I capitalized on an opportunity to mingle with my people under the shelter of the Chicago Sheraton. And mingle I did. The only thing more prevalent than the snow flurries littering Michigan Avenue were the dashikis colorfully occupying the lobby. And where Africans congregate, so too do those who love studying Africans and their history. It's as if bald jewish graduate students are magnetically attracted to two things in life: Africa and corduroy pants. I'm thinking its our collective appreciation for flattering headgear.

So there I sat, intrigued by my Cameroonian associates, yet disturbingly out of place without facial hair, my nalgene bottle or a Mac computer. I didn't even have one of the fancy tote bags they gave to each conference attendee. But something about me must have made it clear that I was down. Perhaps it was my savvy use of urban slang. Or my draft day suit. Maybe it was even my Marcus Garvey shirt. One way or another, my African connection was quite clear, and my jaunt downtown proved well worthwhile when on the way out of the lobby one of my brother's colleagues did the unthinkable and dropped the N bomb on me! I felt so honored, like I had finally arrived in this world. He wasn't calling me the N word, but he felt quite comfortable using it in my presence. Actually, on second thought, I'm pretty sure he directed it at me. Regardless, being accepted is a beautiful thing.

Last night I went out with a couple brrrrroads who I hadn't seen since I was in Australia. But first I went to some meat market bar in Wrigleyville to link up with an old chap from college. I waited in line. I rolled my eyes at my surroundings. I stared at the tiny skirt directly in front of me, and I took out my ID and showed it to the surly bouncer bursting with authority. Then to my dismay, he pointed at my feet, pointed at a conspicuous sign on the door, and yelled "No Timberlands in the Club!" This is pretty much my biggest pet peeve out there in the world of socializing. That and when every white person in the spot joins voices and sings "living on a prayer" or "pour some sugar on me." That video is inspiring. Why the fuck can some little shit in beat up Chucks get into the club but my crisp Timbos get me not so politely booted out of the line, so to speak. I even have glasses on for God's sake! There is but one explanation. So I cursed at the bouncer, and may have called both him and his policy retarded. But when he began to indicate a willingness to physically remove me, admittedly...I stepped to the side. Point being, I don't want to be in some shit bar that doesn't allow Timbos anyway, so ultimately, my best interests were served. And that's why from here on out, I'm hanging out here, and not here.

And yes, I fully intend to link to an Eddie Murphy movie in every post.

Weekend Fun: Airborne Meat

A rare weekend treat folks, both entertaining and educational. If you've ever wondered about the origins of that nifty hot dog bazooka the Phanatic breaks out on occasion, I am happy to report that today is your lucky day. Best documentary ever? Best documentary ever.

Pic of the Day

Sammy D had an amazing line last night of 20 minutes, 2 points, 2 rebounds and 6 fouls. But as we all know, using statistics to measure Sammy's performance is like trying to count raindrops or quantify the shapes of individual snowflakes. What's important is that the Sixies last night ran out a front court of Sammy, 'Reese and Young Thad, which is like the basketball equivalent of hiring Latarian Milton to be your chaffeur.

Anyways, here is your Pic of the Day. I hope it captures the mood out there on this rain-soaked Thursday in Philly:

Rappinin is Whats Happenin

Loyalist of DR loyalists Jake Lefco has a new video, which I present for your viewing pleasure. No more commentary, I just felt left out of the posting explosion that happened today. Enjoy.



Oh, and bonus clip, here is Cedric Ceballos' "Flow On" rap video, because why the fuck not. If you look closely, you can actually see the exact moment when Ced C and Ricky Harris' fame clocks roll over from 14:59 to 15:00.



Don't expect any posting prolificness like this from us ever again.

Happy hump day, bitches.

Ever Wonder...

Ever wonder what would happen if a beer truck flipped on the highway? Me too. Here's your answer.

Ever wonder what it would be like to be a child wizard with the ability to make drunken cuzzes scream by just lifting your arms? Me too.

Ever wonder what it would look like if you happened to combine Billy Crystal's hair and World B. Free's face? ME TOO!

Ever Wonder what it is that the ladies are truly looking for but would never tell us? I have, and I now KNOW the answer.

That is all for now, but as always if you have any questions that need answers Tha Bul Bubak is your man. Hollertron! thabulbubak@gmail.com