Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Inconceivable!! The Rocket Commits More Blunders.

Appearing on a reputable news show and being the least likable guest is a bit of a PR problem. When the other guests are Pervez Musharraf and noted murderer John Martorano the problem effortlessly sprouts into a disaster, a good word for Roger Clemens's reputation and his long-term health outlook. Appearing on 60 Minutes to clear his name and set the story straight, a shifty-eyed Clemens instead offered more proof of the dangers of anabolic steroids; as if having your balls shrink down to the size of dried cherry pits and your back erupt into a dense zit canopy wouldn't suck enough, the scariest side-effect could be a tendency to turn into a stupid, ridiculously bad person.

I have been suspicious of Clemens for years; his career trajectory is the pitching equivalent of what Barry Bonds has done at the plate. Getting more productive and better at your job past the age of 35 makes sense if you are a doctor, a professor, or even the rare pugilist specialist, but for the majority of humans the late 30's means putting on ankle braces to take out the trash and pulling a hamstring while asleep in bed.

I'm sick of athletes lying about steroids. Stop lying!! If Pete Rose's pathetic tumble from Cooperstown to Disgraceville taught us anything, it is that sad, small men who live a life of lies don't age well. They aren't well in general. Even more stupefying is that baseball players can tell the truth and most people would understand. Here's what every steroid user should say: "Yes, I used performance enhancing drugs during my career. Everybody did. Major League Baseball in someways encouraged us to use drugs and made no effort to stop us. I felt a financial and competitive commitment to my family and teammates to cheat. I regret it. Please forgive me. I will help children". Boom! Forgiven. If that doesn't immediately get you off the hook try this: "Yes I used performance enhancing drugs during my baseball career. Jose Canseco repeatedly injected drugs in my buttocks against my will. There was no way to stop him. No way." Forgiven before the first follow-up question. But no, all these athletes continue to lie and dodge and act a fool. Which brings me back to Roger.

His square head sweaty with deceit, Roger shrugged away accusations and questions with the agility of a pyramid. He offered no reasons why his former trainer would lie about giving him steroids, and even less insight on how his best friend, training partner, and suspiciously close buddy Andy Petitte used steroids without Roger's knowledge. A truly innocent man would treat the offering of a lie detector test with more brio than Roger's transparent maybe, followed with a gee shucks "I don't know if they work". I have no idea if lie detectors "work" either, but I'm damn certain it wouldn't "work" for his ass.

Lastly, I do want to thank Roger for bringing lidocaine into the discussion. Reminds me of Iocaine powder, which reminds me of Wallace Shawn, Andre the Giant, and one of the greatest steroid movies of all-time, The Princess Bride. You think farm boy Wesley wasn't on that black market, Dred Pirate Roberts clean and the clear? You crazy. He leaves a skinny wuss-boy and 2 years later he's scaling huge rock cliffs with two hands, besting giants, thwarting master sworsdman, and ingesting mysterious and deadly white powder with no repercussions? Dude was enhanced. So at least I was reminded of that.

A few random thoughts:

1) I don't like Andre Iguodala's body language. It strikes me as middle brother body language. Frustrated and impatient with the younger brother but not totally confident and assured in front of the older brother. I just don't like the way he carries himself.

2) Young Thad deserves a blog.

3) I like The Wire. I really like The Wire. But if another wannabe critic calls it "The greatest show in the history of television" and acts like they found the Dead Sea Scrolls Imma vomit. The only thing Wire fans like more than the Wire is telling you how much they like The Wire. But it is real good. No disrepect. We miss you Avon.