Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Doldrums

Even Our Beloved’s recent stretch of Wiltian dominance can’t offset the doom and gloom of a looming double-digit losing streak, and despite the arousing thought of next year’s starting frontcourt, we here at TDR cannot deny that there is little to be excited about on the Philly sports scene today. Nor, despite what the media zombies would have us believe, do the NFL playoffs offer much solace. Let’s face the facts ladies and gents—what the conference championships offer is not a host of the most compelling storylines in sports, but rather a litany of dead horses that have been beaten so severly they're jealous of the horrible fate of officer Nordberg. Consider the following:

- Whether they win it all or not, the Pats have already secured their place in history—right next to the folks at the top of this list. Just remember, it ain’t cheatin’ if you don’t get caught. Oh wait. They did get caught. So I guess it is cheatin’.

- Much as we’d like to savagely berate and discriminate against Eli (Backfoot) Manning, the Supreme Court says we’re not allowed to.

- The Chargers might be somewhat exciting, if they hadn’t proved last week that skill players don’t mean shit in the NFL. This is, of course, just one more step towards the inevitability of fantasy becoming far more popular than actual football. While the budding Funston’s of the world may applaud this development, I for one am more than willing to put a fatwah out on anyone who chooses sides based on fantasy interests.

- I refuse to be a part of the problem, and thus I will not even address the topic of he-who-must-not-be-named.

The ugly truth is that three of the four teams are among the top five most detestable in th entire league, and the fourth is from San Diego, a city whose only redeeming qualities are proximity to Mexico and this man. So what is a fan to do in these dark days?

Fear not, loyal readers, for His Voodooness has heard your cries from the wilderness. For the 22 hours of your day when you are not delighting in his on court antics, Sam presents the loyal Dalembert Report readership with the keys to a bountiful kingdom of entertainment, in the form of:

Slammin’ Sammy’s fall/winter Movie Report

Juno – “This movie was quite confusing to me,” Sam opined after taking in an 11am show on a Sixers day off. “Not only did I have a difficult time keeping up with the hip teenage lingo and unnecessary references to shitty rock bands, but I could not figure out why Michael Bluth claimed he was afraid to be a father, especially when he has always had such a great relationship with George-Michael in the past.

No Country for Old Men –
“Wow!” exclaimed Sam as he emerged from lobby of the Ritz Five, “That ending really worked! Now I can’t wait for the sequel!”

Sweeney Todd –
In a pensive mood following a private screening in the basement of the Wachovia center, Sam had this to say about Tim Burton’s latest: “This movie reminded me of something that my old friend and fellow Haitian Olden Polynice told me when we were teammates my rookie year. ‘Sam,’ he said, ‘I know in Haiti we are used to taking the law into our own hands, but you just can’t do that sort of thing here in America.’ It’s too bad that demon barber didn’t have an Olden in his life.”

I am Legend –
“I’ll tell you one thing,” sad Sam angrily and he stormed out of the Bridge on a Friday night, “just cause you fight vampires doesn't make you Blade.”

Charlie Wilson's War/ The Kite Runner – “I am very excited that there seems to be such an interest in simplifying and exploiting the tales of heroic repressed peoples in the name of entertainment and profit,” remarked Sam upon seeing these two movies in a marathon double feature at the Plymouth Meeting Regal. “It gives me great hope that my own pet project may one day get out of development hell. It is called ‘Toussaint L’Overture Saves the Day’, and it asks the poignant question "what would the father of my country and the first man to ever lead a successful slave rebellion do if he had the ball at the three point line with the clock winding down in the 7th game of the NBA finals and his team down by one?” I’m in talks with Djimon Hounsou to play Toussaint, but if he can’t do it I may have to step in myself.”