Wednesday, January 9, 2008

He's Got Hands Like Glue!

Mr. Samuel Dalembert (as he's known at UNICEF) has a multitude of skills on the basketball court. Amongst them:

A leaping ability that rivals that of the famous Anthony Anderson Kangaroo.

A floor-running agility reminiscent of a gazelle navigating the East African veldt.

Rebounding and shot-blocking skills that in their timing, caginess, and cold blooded disregard for the will and general self-esteem of the oppositional player, are in nature glimpsed only in the ferocity and taste for human flesh of the blood thirsty Tatiana.

But alas, when it comes to his hands, Sammy was sadly cursed with the abilities of the Solenodon Paradoxus.

The Solenodon may look like a small rodent of relatively modest attributes, but don’t fuck with it. The second lower incisor has a groove through which it emits a venomous saliva, secreted in the submaxillary gland, which in turn renders opposition rodents into a state similar to what happened to Flintskins after his latest run in with this fantastic gadget.

Like Samuel Dalembert, the Solenodon hails from the Island of Haiti. And like our beloved Sammy D, the Solenodon is powerless when it comes to gripping a regulation NBA basketball.

This tragedy of genetics is the only thing standing in between Sammy D perennial all star status.

On a more positive note, future Dalembert Report enthusiast and real journalist Sam Donnellon appears ready to join the growing hordes of Sammy D enthusiasts. Jump on that bandwagon fella!