Sunday, November 22, 2009

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!



Yes all.
It's awards season in La Republique Dalembert. Despite a bit of a sophomore slump, the DR, like our fearless leader himself, has taken a step back only in preparation for a great leap forward. The below nominees, though lesser in number, nonetheless exhibit all of the charm, creativity, and joie de vivre of a goaltend into the third row. I know you are all eager to get to the goods, but first, the rules:

There are 7 categories this year, each with 5 nominees. You may vote for one nominee in each category. Voting will be done via email. Make your selections and email them to thedalembertawards@gmail.com with the subject heading “Awards Ballot”. There is no standard format for the ballot; just make it clear. Anyone is eligible to vote regardless of age, race, sex, intelligence, citizenship, however, you must identify yourself on your ballot by full name or easily identifiable pseudonym (one person one vote people—it’s the law!).

Many of these nominees may make no sense to some of you. That’s ok. Vote anyway. The voting process requires you to take a little time, go back, re-read, get a sense of the context. Don’t be lazy—you will certainly smile, you might laugh, and there’s at least a chance you will vomit.

Voting will remain open until Friday, November 27th, 12:00am. The winners will be announced at the Second Annual Dalembert Report Awards Dinner and Strip Club Gala on Saturday, November 28th.

Bitching, whining, complaining and politicking for you personal favorites (nominated or not) is encouraged, either via email or (preferably) in the comment section. Let’s hear it for Dalemocracy!

The Bring It Head Award for Best High School Reference

1. "i think he's schemin' on Mrs. Workman. I bet she's a straight cougar these days." Comment to School Days, Eldiablogrande

2. "Barry fucking Bonds had no business breaking Hammerin' Hanks long-standing home run record when he's jacked up on roids like Evan Carr catching wreck in the Little Gym." - Don't Hate the Game, Hate the Players (Association), Trapped Under Rice

3. "
Have an amazing time in Cali, Chief. Say what up to the west coast heads for me. Maybe you can catch a Dana Carmel show while you're out there." - Comment to Junk Food for Thought, DVDubs

4. "McNabb is to blame, he doesn't want to take Pam Lutz's or Mr. B's job, he wants to be paid to be the helmsman of a middle/working class town's football team, he therefore is subject to scrutiny and criticism." - Comment to GOD-DOG-IT, Trapped Under Rice

5. "I definitely need to tell Ginnie Lewis to stop running to third instead of first. I need to tell Pete O'Donnell to stop eating his own dandruff. I need to tell Hank Lopez to eat a fucking sandwich. I need to tell Neil to stop getting socked in the face by other players on our team. I need to get a restraining order barring John Tuton from al the games. I need to tell Danny Van Wert to stop sharing private parts with my daughter and Ruth NA under the slide in the playground, to stop wearing brown cordouroys on the field, and to stop wearing his A's T-shirt 24/7 off the field. Oh yeah... And I definitely need to tell that litte douche on the mound to stop crying every inning." - Comment to Burning Questions, Bo Wittles (DVDubs)

The Jerny Firm Award for Picture of the Year

1. Beanie at the Eagles Game - Burn, Meadowlands, Burn, Flintskinz

2. Muggsy & Manute - Of Love & Basketball, Big Firm

3. Need Money for Beer - Recession Update, Eldiablogrande

4. Young Harry the K - R.I.P., Flintskinz

5. Young J. Werth - "Werth" the Stupid "Puns", Eldiablogrande

The Latarian Milton Award for Video of the Year

1. Crying Giants Fan - Love Me Some Sweet Sweet Internets, Tha Bul Bubak

2. Ron Artest: Storyteller - Growing up Hood, Big Firm

3. Daggering - What the Bumbo Claat?, Big Firm

4. Ron Artest MJ Tribute - Michael Michael Michael You My..., Tha Bul Bubak

5. Fantasy Baseball Camp - The Black Abbott & Costello, Flintskinz

The Let’s All Hope Dan Wins So He Doesn’t Hang Himself with an Aged Stripper’s G-String At the Dolphin Tavern After the Awards Dinner Award for Comment of the Year

1. "Fuck Shop-Rite. what gives them the right to judge peoples names. Last time I checked its not illegal to name your kid Adolf. I have been lobbying tyhat it is time to start the healing. fuck shoprite and the liberal elite." - Comment to Mo, or Less?, Tha Bul Bubak

2. "think about it. he is a gorilla. he probably comes from the wild, where there is neither cadbury, drumsets, or phil collins. sad sad life, right? however, when he enters civilization, he tries a cadbury chocolate delight and is struck by the feeling of "a glass and a half full of joy". immediately after his first bite of cadbury, phil collins starts bursting out from over his head, and when he looks down, he finds that he is seated at a grade A top quality drum set. not knowing what else to do, his monkey brain tells him to rely on his instincts and embrace the warm chocolaty feeling that is filling up his heart and telling him "play, monkey, just play." and that is exactly what he does, and what we are all capable of doing, if we simply eat some cadbury chocolate." - Comment to Tryin' to Play Gorilla, Willa

3. "Just for kicks, here are the Phils we most resemble:

Flintskins: Joe Blanton
Big Firm: JC Romero
Chief Naka: Chan Ho Park/ Shane Victorino
DVDUBS: Matt Stairs
EDG: Chris Coste
Stand Watie: Jay Happ/ Peter Happy
Tha Bul Bubak: Mick Billmeyer" - Comment to The Chuck Wagon Never Disappoints, DVDubs

4. "No one told Ron that his friend was a vampire. What happened was no accident. Well played, Van Helsing, well played." - Comment to Growing Up Hood, Flintskinz

5. "What's next? Former NBA'er Sam Mack being arrested for pimping? Stephen Jackson arrested for kidnapping a young boy? Shaquille O'Neal arrested for some manner of alcohol related offense?" - Comment to It was only a matter of time, Flintskinz

The Bloody Fucking Womb Award for Quote of the Year

1. "He's the leader who can lift the rest of the team with his sheer intensity, ginormous heart, and trusty mobile phone that contains only one number in it: God." - A Few Words About Brian, #1 Chief Naka

2. "The game begins and I'm stunned that A)the mohawk indeed belongs to Von Wafer B)Von Wafer starts for Houston and C)Von Wafer is not a vampire from Dusseldorf." - Oh Yeah...the Sixers, #1 Chief Naka

3. "I won't lie, it took a lot of self-restraint to not title this post "He's Outttttttta Heeeerrrrrrrrre" but I thought that it may be viewed by some as callous (no pun intended)." - R.I.P., Flintskinz

4. "I urge you all to close your eyes, throw on your favorite Beenie Man jam, light some incense, and imagine Giul getting dragged onto the dance floor by Hussain Bolt for some good ol' fashion daggering." - What the Bumbo Claat?, Big Firm

5. "I definitely need to tell Ginnie Lewis to stop running to third instead of first. I need to tell Pete O'Donnell to stop eating his own dandruff. I need to tell Hank Lopez to eat a fucking sandwich. I need to tell Neil to stop getting socked in the face by other players on our team. I need to get a restraining order barring John Tuton from al the games. I need to tell Danny Van Wert to stop sharing private parts with my daughter and Ruth NA under the slide in the playground, to stop wearing brown cordouroys on the field, and to stop wearing his A's T-shirt 24/7 off the field. Oh yeah... And I definitely need to tell that litte douche on the mound to stop crying every inning." - Comment to Burning Questions, Bo Wittles (DVDubs)

The Homerun Kim Batiste Award for Best Obscure Philly Athlete Reference

1. Kim Batiste - Comment to A Few Words About Brian, Mike W.

2. Clarence Weatherspoon - Oh Yeah...The Sixers, #1 Chief Naka

3. Donnie Carr - Comment to Don't Hate the Game, Hate the Players (Association), Tim

4. Chuck Kornegay - I Can't Think of a Funny Title, Big Firm

5. A. Chism - Comment to Growing Up Hood, Tha Bul Bubak

The Dalembert Award for Post of the Year

1. Donovan Rides on the Highway of Broken Stars - #1 Chief Naka

2. Unconditional Love - Big Firm

3. Women, Can't Live With 'Em, Already Know Everything About 'Em - Big Firm

4. Act II - Eldiablogrande

5. Rodney Dangerfield Lives! - Flintskinz

6. Burn, Meadowlands, Burn - Flintskinz

9 comments:

  1. When you say Friday 12am, do you mean when on Thursday the clock ticks over from 11:59 to 12, or do you really mean 11:59 on Friday?

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  2. 11:59 Friday. And shut up.

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  3. I'm just honored to be nominated. Does this mean I get to come to the DR awards?

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  4. How did the Japanese character-links not get nominated for comment of the year?

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  5. Post of the year is by far the toughest category. They're all so good. And shut up Fintan.

    The Comment of the Year award should be renamed "Dvdubs will hang himself with a Japanese character or stab himself in the stomach with a Samurai sword (at the Dolphin) if he doesn't win."

    "Yo, I saw a dolphin... Look at all these broaaaads!"

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  6. That's what I'll be saying at S&T.

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  7. Over and over and over again, in true Assburger fashion.

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  8. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete