Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Unconditional Love

Thankfully, our editor-in-chief has shed some light on the Mo Cheeks firing. And he wrote the post from home, not even wasting the corporate man's time. But what Eldiablogrande failed to do was identify the problem, the one reason WHY we suck, play with poor body language, and continue to frustrate people from Port Richmond to Fort Washington. Well, being the doctor that I am, I feel quite confident that I have identified what ails us. And sadly, I need look no further than the DR staff.

In recent weeks, big things have happened. Shit, in the last few months, HUGE things have happened. And through it all we have lost sight of our singular purpose, our mission as bloggers, and our duty as fans. Put simply, we have been neglecting Sammy D himself.

See Sammy needs attention. He needs constant adoration, reassurance and applause. If we, the DR staff don't do it, I'm pretty damn certain no one will. The Chief and I agreed earlier today that it's impossible to be mad at Sammy, or at the very least, impossible to stay mad. He's like the kid you adopted from what was very likely a broken home. You visited him in the orphanage (Seton Hall), where he was playing with building blocks (engineering students), sporting a christmas sweater, & styling a permanent smile. You asked the den-mother (Tommy Amaker) how he got there (a raft), what he needs (to get far away from Eddie Griffin), and how he would flourish. And eventually you and your husband decided to take a chance and see if you could make a difference in the young man's life. So you brought him back to your home (the First Union Center). You know, the one in the suburbs with the white picket fence, swing set and the poodle. You introduced him to your daughter Mary-Beth (Dei Lynam), you told him "this is yours, Sammy. All this is yours. This is your sister, Sammy. Say hello, give her a hug. We are your family now." And then you gave him his very own race car bed (a huge contract), showered him with toys (Sixers dancers) and overwhelmed him with well-balanced meals. You even introduced him to tofu and seared tuna. In no time, Sammy was playing on the swing set out back (TGI Fridays with AI), and frolicking in the sandbox with the other kids (Club Egypt). But soon you realized a disturbing trend. He began to break shit (goal-tend) and continued to recklessly destroy your family's good name in the neighborhood. Namely, Sammy wouldn't stop destroying Dad's model trains (fouling out) and mom's favorite pottery (shooting on the wrong basket), and he was constantly urinating in the neighbor's flower bed. But just when you are ready to send that little freak back to the orphanage (another team), he flashes that million dollar smile, calls you -his adopted mother - "mom," and promises he will stop stealing your money and torturing the cat (no more hook shots from the FT line). So you pat young Sammy on the head (send him into the game), you tell him you love him, and you give him another chance (a ridiculous contract extension). Because behind those jacked up teeth, his slowly growing mustache, his increasingly baggy jeans, and the weed you keep finding in his Girbauds, Sammy has a little thing we call "potential" (hops, long arms, and limitless energy). But potential is nothing more than a fun word to say if it's not realized, if it's not nurtured. And frankly, we at the DR, much like the 76ers front office, have stopped patting Sammy on the head and giving him our patience, understanding and sympathy. The big guy just needs some love.

Tonight I did what I normally do: check ESPN post-game, see if we won, and process the box score. Sure enough, Sammy started, but he only played 19 minutes. AND, he only had one foul. So clearly, Sammy's minutes are heading south faster than a young father escaping an unwanted pregnancy. Why have the 76ers gone in a different direction? Is there any reason that Reggie Evans should get the same amount of burn as our beloved leader? I like Mareese Speights as much as the next guy, but I write for the DR, not the SR, damnit.

Since I know deep down in my belly that Sammy reads this blog, I want to put this in no uncertain terms. And although I question his firm grasp of the English language, I trust he can find someone to translate these generous, yet deserving words of support.

Sammy Dalembert, keep your head up high,
In the words of my other hero, believe that you can fly.
You dunk, you goal-tend, you even talk funny,
But ignore the naysayers, you deserve all your money.
Elton Brand's shoulder is hurt, so we now turn to you,
In these tough times, lead forward our crew.
Here's to winning streaks and creating a crazy crowd,
Stop rubbing your meat on Mary-Beth, and make Haiti proud!

And just for the record, I NEED this jersey


  1. Drew, you are the KING! The palin link, the TEDDY P jersey, and the poem had me laughing out loud. Well played sir, well played!

    MIKE W.

  2. Firm, are you at all worried that putting all your faith in Sammy will end up in this season becoming a roller coaster that ends in all of the kids (fans) puking all over each other?

  3. Lil Sayne, you crazy. Puke or no puke, SAMMY will lead us, if not in points, rebounds or blocks, certainly in spirit. And at the very least, lord knows he has some voodoo dolls that can deplete the Celtics powers, sort of like what happened in Space Jam but vice versa. His contribution will never be questioned.

  4. I aint hatin or doubtin...I was just wondering if we should take the Problem Child metaphor the distance...all the way into P.C. 2

    Genius, by the way. The fact that you know the plot of that movie so well makes me feel both admiration and fear...

  5. is it bad that i was near tears reading that poem?

  6. If I don't resort to physical violence against a co-worker today, this post will be the reason for it. Well done, sir.

  7. Amazing post. Sammy D's situation could also be equated to this fine film: (think Amundson)

    I know how Big Firm loves when I include links in my comments.

  8. i will say that DVW's comments are at an all time low and i refuse to accept finals as an excuse. Get your game in order.

  9. What the hell are you talking about?

  10. I'm just saying, we've become accustomed to a few comments per post. one simply ain't cuttin it. I mean with that gold, potentially now green bobblehead comes great responsibility is all.

  11. Sammy=Problem Child
    DR Staff=John Ritter
    Teddy Pendergrass= As yet unclear character with voice of a mack and wings on an angel.
    Big Firm= Visionary script writer

    ps-Mike Wolgin hell yeah!!

  12. This article is obviously culturally biased:

    Mike W