Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Women, Can't Live With 'Em, Already Know Everything About Em

Thankfully, Chief Naka has the beat on the Sixers, the very tall Chinese, and the sexiest diapers out there on the streets. That leaves room for me to discuss mindless shit that undoubtedly doesn't concern a soul other than my own. That being said, I push forward nonetheless.

I spent the better part of my Saturday night/early Sunday morning in a roundtable discussion touching on matters of the heart, matters of the penis, and matters of the penis that are clouded by matters of the heart. If that makes little sense to you, then I'm sorry, you were not one of the three (and for a hot one four) DR editors in attendance at the time. What I learned in between lagers, trips to the bathroom, Martha's tasty cookies, and frequent visits to www.bigsausagepizza.com, is quite simply the following: I know absolutely everything there is to know about these creatures of the earth that we all call "women." Everything. I am an expert, so to speak, a modern-day nostradamus in this field. Okok, I know what you're thinking. If there is anyone who doesn't know shit about women, it might be the Big Firm himself. But behold, a brief tutorial.

[A final point worth noting. As gay as this discussion sounds, there actually were women there. One of them left after she killed her fish by feeding it an excessive amount of comfort bubbles - a story for another day - but the other two stuck around and we didn't even pay them for their company]

#1) Women love it when you say "Hay shortie." Especially when you are in a car and they are on the street or waiting for the bus. "Hay shortie" is code for "Hi, my name is Big Firm. Drop your pants if you know what's good for you." Top it off with a creepy hand motion resembling a tiger clawing at its prey, and women practically panty drop on the spot.

#2) If you are British, black, and somewhere around 6'5'', "hey shortie" can be easily replaced by "youz is one sexy bitch," an equally effective technique honed in the streets of Manchester, perfected in the quaker halls of Abington.

#3) Women are crazy. Or some would say, they are cray cray. There seems to be this awful misconception that men will have sex with any girl who feigns an interest in receiving the business. Well that's where they are dead wrong. I have serious standards that will not be sacrificed, even for the most persistent of broads. Come with that peg leg? Get beaten down with your prosthetic. Don't have all your limbs? Get to steppin (or rollin) out my way. Still rockin a retainer? Well you can stick around, who am I kidding.


#5) Women like it when you have sex with them, and promptly turn over and go to bed while they are in the bathroom. See women, much like men, value their sleep and space. When you, as a man, honor that interest...well sir, the reward will be significant, and likely fall sometime in mid-March.

#6) Women are selfish. Selfish I tell you! Let's say you've got one woman and one man, and they are happily in a relationship. Now let's say that man wants to be friends with other women, you know, grab a bite to eat, meet for coffee, engage in harmless pillow fights and innocent tickle wars. But noooo, his woman won't let it happen. Why? Because women are selfish. How else can you explain one woman demanding all of one man's attention? I mean, I dare you to tell me it's because she likes that man. In all likelihood, the bulk of her time is spent complaining about that man. Pusssshaw to that idea. No, it's because that woman doesn't want to share you with your other friends. Call me Noah Webster, because that is precisely the definition of selfishness.

Ok, so I know six things. Frankly, I can't remember the other tidbits of knowledge I generated that night, and contemplated erasing all of the above, but figured that would be shortsighted. Some of you out there might learn something, and at the very least, deserve to know exactly how delicious/multi-dimensional sausage pizza is. I apologize in advance for the shittiness of this post, it won't happen again. 

And oh yeah. If Charles Barkely isn't the president before I die, I will do so an empty man. I love him in the gayest of ways. 

18 comments:

  1. Like Leon Panetta, Big Firm is not afraid to speak truth to power. Preach on Brother Firm!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Big Firm is a modern day Carrie Bradshaw!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was there, and other than bigsausagepizza.com I don't recall participating in conversations about any of these topics, nor did I receive any cookies. I hate you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You were on drugs, thus your lack of memory. Or I was on drugs and made it all up. Both are entirely plausible explanations. But I do believe at least #3 was discussed at some length. Thanks for supporting your fellow man, Tone.

    ReplyDelete
  5. PS- That pizza is making me so hungry. It looks amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's true, I'm willing to ignore the deviant sexual connotations attached to it as well.

    ReplyDelete
  7. BEST NAME EVER! love that birthdayjawn!

    ReplyDelete
  8. "That's my penis." Classic.

    Don't sell yourself short, Big Firm: you have to impart this sort of knowledge. Any post that includes a pic of J-Roll with Jonah-esque spider dreads, an amazing Nutty Professor scene, lots of scantily clad women, Paul Pierce (clearly high) with a fat jawn, and sausage pizza; it's A-Okay with me.

    On a side-note, after being rejected by the rim on a dunk attempt earlier in the game, Von Wafer sealed the deal with a 3 against the Celtics last night. Well done, Mr. Wafer. I apologize if this is redundant news; Raleigh Towel already left this in a comment in response to Chief Naka's post.

    ReplyDelete
  9. is that a picture of Greg Oden with Mrs. Bubak?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Looking back through the years, every conversation I've ever had with the opposite sex now makes perfect sense to me. Thank you Big Firm.

    Also, you wouldn't help satisfy a hot one-legged jawn? Could be interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Big Firm is discriminatory towards hot jawns missing limbs. He's a prosthesist!

    What about Sarah Reinertsen, the iron woman competitor?

    http://cienciaexin.wordpress.com/2007/08/24/

    OR

    Lena Olin in "Romeo Is Bleeding?" (3rd pic over):

    http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&q=Lena+Olin+Romeo+Is+Bleeding&btnG=Search+Images

    ReplyDelete
  12. man, a) I wish i had legs like Greg Oden's lady and b) i wish i had the chance to dance with Greg Oden

    ReplyDelete
  13. Greg Oden is hot...And versatile:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ScPbahF4Bw

    Why does he look like he's 50?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Come to think of it, Oden is a bit like Tha Bul Bubak, in that he is black and surly and good at basketball... I'm sorry, that was a typo; I meant Baseketball. I just psyched you out!

    ReplyDelete
  15. For some reason, this commercial (and pro athlete) also reminds me of Tha Bul Bubak:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNUCsUUaevk

    Please don't kill me... For making the greatest call ever (in the Arash sort of sense).

    ReplyDelete
  16. FYOU FINALLY CAME OUT! How does it fell? Now the world can judge you for who you are. AN AFRO WEARIN QUENN WHO TAKES IT IN THE ARSE! By the way, Barkley is a fat over hyped thug who pays for sex because his boyfriend steven smith wont go all the way! Later,Owambo!

    ReplyDelete