Monday, June 16, 2008

Sky is High, So is Joe's Stock

Joe Alexander has size, amazing hops, and a nice jump shot. Joe Alexander is also as White as an episode of Seinfeld. The kid is going to get drafted, and drafted high.

Name: Joe Alexander
DOB: 12/26/86
Height: 6'8
Weight: 220 lbs.

Taiwan(Parents worked for Nestle)
Raised: Taiwan, Beijing, Mt. Airy, MD. I'm liking this kid more and more.

What he does well: Superior athlete who can score inside and outside. Nice touch on his jumpshot, good instincts, hard worker, still improving in all areas of the game. Fluent in Mandarin. Lots of Chinese friends. Can grow a solid goatee. Dunks a lot.

Needs To Work On:
Doesn't have a great handle, inconsistent three-point shooter, and played for Bob Huggins at West Virginia, so needs a good lawyer to deflect attention from the inevitable NCAA investigation into his receiving gifts and cash as an amateur.

Where will He Go?: Hard to say, but my contacts in the industry say his draft stock has been rising for weeks. It looks certain he will be gone by sixteen, before the Sixers pick, and he could be a perfect fit for either Golden State(#14) or Phoenix(#15), teams that push the ball up and down and use athletic scorers well.

If The Sixers Draft Him:
I will be ecstatic. Do they need another slasher/small forward type player? No, that's really the last thing they need, but I love this kid's potential, his unofficial Asian status, and the idea of him and Jason Smith joining forces and becoming the most athletic set of Whites in the league.

Nickname Potential: I'm told he already answers to "Vanilla Sky", which was a terrible movie starring terrible Tom Cruise, but it hints at his ability to dunk on mofo's. Still, there is room for growth. As I just said, team him with another athletic White guy with innocuous name and watch the nicknames sprout. AND, if we somehow sign Josh Smith away from Atlanta, that would give us three ridiculous dudes with names starting with J that can all fly. Nickname city.

Final Verdict: Probably not going to last to sixteen, but if he's available when the Sixers draft they very well might snatch him up. Iguodala, Thaddeus Young, Carney, Lou Will, Jason Smith, Sammy D, and Joe Alexander would be a one-team traveling freak show of athleticism.

On Boston: With respect to Big Firm's Boston peoples, I just have to say: shut your mouth, enjoy this golden age of Boston sports, and please go away. Is it not enough that you are about to have another title in another sport, that fake Red Sox fans have infested the nation like millions of locusts, that the biggest writer on the biggest sports website in the world is a Boston fan and therefore writes about EVERY Boston team ALL year, but now we're supposed to root for them too, in some sort of solidarity against Kobe? Chiggity check yoself sonny. Clearly this topic deserves more attention, but for now I will just say that Boston sports is a one city Axis of Evil comprised of elements of The Deathstar, Bubonic Plague, American Idol, Scientology, Cancer, and Rush Limbaugh. And the sooner this evil scourge is destroyed the better.


  1. Embrace your inner Philadelphian and realize that it's not that you'd be rooting FOR Boston, you're rooting AGAINST LA. Big difference.

    Regarding this Alexander fellow, there's no more room for white guys on the Sixers roster.

  2. Also dont forget that Boston caused 9-11. Vanilla Sky might be the best nickname of all time.

  3. I'd also like to note that Big Whitie was the strongest guy in the draft, benching 185 26 times or some shit like that. That's Ron Francis strength, people.

  4. No more room for white guys?!?! He grew up in China and jumps higher than Teen Wolf. Dude's got more soul than Barry Gordy. Plus, you telling me you can't get down with Kevin Love? Dude, in this draft White equals funky as hell. Word to Brook Lopez.

  5. More soul than Matt Gordy? If we had a white dude who grew up in china, Habs and OG would have the jersey in a heartbeat.