Thursday, February 7, 2008

Bienvenidos Amigos

Welcome readers, let me formally introduce you to the newest incarnation of my weekly column: Ask Tha Bul Bubak... Think the Ethicist form the New York Times, but much much better. Anyone that knows me knows that I am the be all end all when it comes to lifes questions and answers. Without further ado... let the questions start rolling in.


Dear Bul Bubak,
I am hopelessly in love with a young lady that works in my office. All i can think about all day are bizarre and erotic sex acts I would like to perform on her. Its distracting me from my job and, more importantly, from my blogging. Did I mention that said lady is my 19 year old intern? Please help me Bul Bubak, you're my only hope. Sincerely, Creepy Older Guy(COG)

Hey COG,
Let me start by asking is there a man out there who doesn't fantasize about strange and erotic sex acts with young girls? NO there is not. I am on the verge of being locked down for life with a wonderful women, yet all i can think about all day e'ry day is the strangest and most erotic of sex acts being performed on ladies by Tha Bul Bubak himself. Let me assure you COG that there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with thinking about performing lewd and lascivious acts on taught young jawns. Only when over 18 of course. Do you get a paycheck? Have you been reprimanded for not doing a good job? If the answers to these questions are no, then you my friend are not being that distracted form your job. As far as Blogging goes, you can always find time for that(especially if you have a laptop):
- On the Can
- Right after buggering your intern
- Right after your intern sucks you dry
- When waiting for your intern to get to your desk...or bedroom


Dear Bul Bubak,
I have a dilemma, and it is far worse than the one Nelly and Kelly Rowland had. No, I am not engaged in a wild fling with a married woman (though I know someone that is), instead I have a secret that has been eating away at me since '95. That summer, I dared my brother to shit on the front lawn. He did. As he was completing the bowl movement, the nose of my mother's white dodge caravan appeared in the driveway. My brother bolted. The shit remained. My mother saw this and immediately blamed the dog and smacked his nose. The dog knew it was my brother, and if he could only speak he would have snitched. Now I am left with this secret. Should I hold it til death, or come clean on or near my brothers birthday?
-Anonymous

Well Anonymous,
This reminds me of the time I went to the market with my mom and proceeded to shit myself upon getting out of the car. I had a dilemma of my own that day: Tell mother Bubak that her 19 year old son had just shit himself and as such we had to go home, undoubtedly enraging her... Or don't say a word and go about our business.(Note: not a log in the pants, but more of a shart) Anyway, I decided not to tell her for fear of her wrath...that is until I got tired of being in there with shit in my pants and said loud enough so she and a select others could hear "Hey mom, I think I shit my pants" This worked wonders and we were soon on our way home. Back to you Anonymous: I have two choices for you.

Choice 1: Play the waiting game my friend, play it long and play it hard. Lay back in the cut and just wait for that moment when your mum gets really really pissed at you for something like getting your entire side tattooed and keeping it from her. When she is at her peak of anger and really getting into you good, break out with something along these lines: "Oh yeah, well lil bro was the one who shitted on the lawn back in the summer of '95! How you like them apples? I think you owe a certain K9 an apology." There is no way she will still be mad at you as she will feel awful for the way she treated her pet/family member and immediately shower it with affection.
Choice 2: Next time the family is together, say Christmas, sneak this dog into your moms room and have it shit all over the place. Pillows, floors, toilet, shower etc. When mom finds this and gets ever so angry at the pup, you flip the script and blame little bro.

Please, I encourage one and all to send me your moral and ethical dilemmas, problems, queries, if your unsure of of what to eat watch do or say. I can be reached at thabulbubak@gmail.com. Until next week and I come up with some kind of catch phrase.

6 comments:

  1. Bull BuBak:
    Query: Since 1998 I have dealt w/ a significant tragedy. It was then that I was called to a Chestnut Hill mansion to serve an arrest warrant and an unassuming young man. It turns out that upon my arrival it was his birthday, 17th I believe. The young men touched me, covered me in bananas, and forced me to light a match on one of their penises. It was a terrible, terrible experience and one that has haunted me since. Nearly ten years later, I must know: how do I overcome this trauma from my past? I'm eager to simply be a civil servant again.

    - Trying to Forget '98.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I recall the above commenter being violated with a sponge during that fateful evening, but y'know, I don't remember who did it or anything...

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