Friday, February 29, 2008

Ask Tha Bul Bubak...

Dear Bul Bubak,Suddenly, the only thing that gets me off are MILF videos. Am I a deviant, or am I well prepared for the thrills of middle age partner swapping?
Yours,
Waiting for Erotic Intercourse Regarding Dirty Oldies

Dear WEIRDO,
Watching porn is disgusting and vulgar.(Coincidentally, I am pretty sure that I am addicted to porn, I have trouble stopping myself from looking anytime I have a minute. Well, those and these.) You know it has gotten bad when you step back from yourself for a second and realize that on the screen in front of you is an amputee donkey having intercourse with mute grandma in a wheelchair. I guess I am saying to you WEIRDO keep yourself in check and don't let the porn take control of you. There is nothing wrong with being "into" a certain type of porn, or only jerking it to one kind. Be weary though, if this creeps into your personal life and you are unable to seal the deal with say a taught 19 year old like this, you my friend are in big trouble (in little China)


Dear Bul Bubak,
Everywhere I turn my head, I am surrounded by beards. Short beards, long beards, nappy beards, combed beards. I feel like I am in an al queda barbershop, and I don't like it. The moment when the beard craze infiltrated into my own family, I knew I'd had enough. What should I do to get rid of these facial furs?
-Hirsute Assholes Take Exception

Dear HATE,
This question hits near and dear to my heart. I have been rocking a beard for a decade+ now and the influx of beards in the recent weeks/months has bothered me as well. I am even a member of the National Beard Registry. What irks me is not the beards themselves, as I have one myself, but it's being grouped in with these crazy fad following motherfuckers who show no respect for THE BEARD. If you're gonna have a beard, take care of that shit! Long beard, short beard, combed beard, whatever beard type you chose, please please please treat it with respect it deserves. Beards are NOT a toy to be played with however the wearer sees fit. Beards are not a right, but a privilege. As far as getting the beards out of your house HATE, you have two avenues to choose between: Option 1 - Get yourself some clippers, wait until El Diablo Grande falls asleep and go to town. Option 2 - Sneak attack. Get yourself some gloves and a good handful of Nair and go to town on his face. For Society at large, we have little to no chance of changing anything...For some reason I think it might be somewhat dangerous to run up to random Muslims on the Philly streets and hit em up with a little clipper action.(I know, I know call me crazy) Lets just hope that by some miracle TDR gets some readership and people read my column and realize that the beard deserves respect.


Dear Bul Bubak,
I have a problem with my roommate. He is a nice guy and all, but a terrible living companion. He is one of these environmentally sensitive California types, all about recycling and stuff, so he never throws out any newspapers or plastic bottles even though he uses about 20 of each a day. He is all about conserving water which means he leaves his shits in the toilet for others to discover. Finally, he never cleans or does the dishes; once he used 14 glasses, 7 forks, 3 plates, 3 bowls, and 4 spoons in one day (yes I counted). However, he is also a very depressed and miserable human being, so I am hesitant to speak out in rage against him for fear that he would crack completely. Bul Bubak, I know these are trivial concerns in the grand scheme of things, but they are slowly driving me to loathe a soul I should pity. Should I come clean and risk a suicide, or keep it bottled up and risk a homicide? Help me Bul Bubak, before it's too late!!!
-Putting Up with Shitty Sacramento Yalies

Dear PUSSY,
I pity you I really do. Like you I have had bad roommates in my day.(Eventually, I found a good one: clean, considerate, we have sex...now we're getting married.) Back to you PUSSY, it's a thin line between confrontation and biting your tongue. When making a decision involving a conflict with ones roommate we must take into account the steeper consequences that follow as a result of...you got it, living together! Ding Ding Ding what do you win? That's right, a shitty situation almost every time. Living with a depressed and miserable human can be very hard. I should know as I am one, and have trouble living with myself all the time. The way I see it you can either confront this hippie commie fuck like you were owned by one Mr. Vick, or you can just let it all slide. Judging from you name alone I think you will try to avoid confrontation at all costs. The problem with "letting it slide" is that eventually, you will be full and unable to stuff the bullshit down anymore and you just might explode. This explosion will be just like the confrontation except much more vicious. PUSSY, you should sit down think about the top 5 things your rooomie does to annoy you and confront him on these matters in a calm manner. Using that many dishes and flatware in a day is utterly ridiculous and should not be tolerated. Not cleaning up after himself should not be tolerated. Leaving the Cosby kids in the shitter WILL not be tolerated. Make sure you are calm, but at the same time stern. Do not waiver PUSSY, stay strong, keep the faith, black power! I have faith in you PUSSY...do not disappoint me.

4 comments:

  1. Bulbak,

    a beard column could be the next natural progression for you fine Sir. Unable to grow one myself I am fascinated by the complex repurcussions of the beard. How do you clean it? Aren't crumbs and chunks of food in the beard a huge dilemma? Do girls like or loathe a furry face?

    Monkey beard is the shit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. who is the pole vaulting shortie the bul bubak constantly links to?

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  3. Bubak,

    I would also like to know who this reoccurring pole-vaulting (ha) show-ty is.

    Also, on an unrelated note:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9-57l6sbxQ

    ReplyDelete