Sunday, February 10, 2008

News and Notes

Last week was a busy week. Super Bowl Sunday bled into the Super Tuesday primary elections, which handed off to the shocking trade of Shaq-Fu to Phoenix, and wrapped up nicely with a third consecutive victory by the Sixers on Saturday night. No matter what butters your bread, be it sports, politics, sports, or sports, you are in the right place now my friend. Here now is a Monday Morning Week in Review.

The Super Bowl:

We sports fans occasionally make a deal with the devil. Sometimes it involves praying to a god we don't believe in in search of a victory he/she never delivers, probably because we don't believe in him/her in the first place, but which forever ruins our credibility with said god in case we truly needed help. Often we beg and plead with upper management to spend money and sign big name player X, only to have big name player X be overrated, injury-prone, or flat-out nuts. And sometimes we are put in a tight spot which calls upon us to root for a team we hate in order for a team we hate even more to lose. Such was last week's Super Bowl. Seeing the Patriots near-perfect season crash into a fiery ditch was a 9 on a satisfaction scale, and the reason it wasn't a 10 is simple: for the rest of time we have to live with this inconceivable fact: Eli Manning, Super Bowl MVP.

Rooting for the Giants was painful but necessary, like crunching your nose back into place after breaking it, or sprinting to catch the last bus home and leaving your girlfriend in the street. I don't feel good about it. But living with Eli Manning as a redeemed figure is more acceptable to me than a lifetime of New England being referred to as the greatest team of all-time, so I have to find solace in that. As for the game, it was thrilling to watch. It ended up being the most watched Super Bowl ever, and the second most matched television program behind the final episode of M.A.S.H., which made me wonder: why did so many damn people watched the final episode of M.A.S.H? Did somebody shoot Hawkeye?

One last note about the Super Bowl, I think it's way past time to drop the roman numerals from the official logo. It gives me a headache looking at all those x's and l's. Is Wrestlemania still using roman numerals??!! I doubt it.

Super Tuesday:

John McCain whooped that ass last Tuesday and has essentially secured the Republican nomination. Only a Mike Huckabee comeback reminiscent of LL Cool J circa 1990 can prevent what appears to be the inevitable McCain train from leaving the station. McCain strikes mild fear into the hearts of Democrats largely because of his continued ability to be white and male, which will come in handy when he is opposing a half-Black man and a half-female woman. Hillary lovers relax, I was kidding. I'll vote for her if I need to.

On the Democratic side last Tuesday proved to be much less decisive. The process of accumulating delegates is so confusing it is worthless; I'd rather be one of millions who has no idea what is going on then one of a dozen or so professors who understand it all but only have a dozen people in the world to relate to. Just as I was starting to get a grasp on Iowa and New Hampshire I find out each state has different rules regarding elections and apportioning of delegates. At this rate I will be able to explain all 50 States voting rules when I'm 75, just in time for my memory to hemorrhage all the useful information it owns besides the name of my dog. What I do understand is that Barack vs. Hilary will extend longer, giving Americans even more time to realize that Barack delivers far better speeches, has brown skin, and did far more drugs in college than Hillary, all clear advantages when running for president.

Shaq gets traded:

This trade looks foolish is you are a Phoenix fan. Shaq is old and injured and makes 20 mil a year, three hearty strikes in any book. But wait, let's hold off on panning the trade until we see the big fella in action out in the land of the cacti. Those three strikes explain why he was so burdensome in Miami where he was surrounded by slop; in Phoenix he will only be asked to throw his massive body around, play defense, grab rebounds, and provide the natural charm he conjures so easily. He will keep the locker room loose while commanding respect from the other bigs in the West. In a sport in which chemistry is more important than talent, removing the sulky Shawn Marion and replacing him with a genial giant could be the move that gets them to the Finals. Or it could backfire like a banana in the tailpipe. Either way I'll say I told you so.

Sixers are unstoppable:

Listen up Sixer fans: If you are rooting for the team to lose so they can get a higher draft pick you need to think back a year and remember how that played out. This team is simply not bad enough to have any hope of getting a top 3 pick. So enjoy the wins! Take pleasure in the vision of them playing in the playoffs, maybe even pulling an upset of the Celtics in Round 1. Isn't that worth more than the #12 pick in the draft? Okay, since we drafted Young Thad with the #12 pick last year I'll have to say no, it wouldn't be worth it, but since there is no Young Thad to draft this year I change my answer to yes, it would be worth it. I love Young Thad.

Lost is back:

Last Thursday was the 2nd episode of the new season and I would love to give important information away but in a development as surprising as today's sunrise there were no answers whatsoever, only more characters and confusion. This show is the biggest dick tease ever.

Omar walks with a limp but still packs the shottie:

Omar from The Wire has joined Bud from The Cosby Show and Blanche from The Golden Girls as the TV characters most deserving of a spin-off show. He also is easily the coolest gay in tv history(apologies to Frugal Gourmet and Lavar Burton) and the most interesting story on a show full of them. Fuck an Emmy, this man deserves true respect: his own line of trench coats.

Roger Clemens keeps lying:

This isn't remotely news, but it was also revealed that Roger's wife used steroids before a photo shoot in which she wore a bathing suit. Still barely news but plenty disturbing. About as disturbing as the two of them giving each of their kids a name starting with K, the letter used to represent a strikeout in baseball. And we're supposed to believe anything a man like that says?

Pimp C sipped syrup and died:

It was revealed that Pimp C, half of legendary Houston rap group UGK, died of a overdose of codeine and promethazine, also known as "syrup". Be warned young people: pouring that combination on your pancakes, while allowing you to sell drugs, rap better, and meet exciting new friends, can also end your life. All jokes aside, Pimp C was the man.

Lastly, Sunday, February 10th was Lenny Dykstra's birthday. Happy birthday dude.


  1. Whatever it takes, Dude.

    Roger Clemens is a fucking lying fuck cheater. Does he have 3 kids?...Because that would make it even worse that he named all of his kids a name beginning with K.

    I don't like Lost. Maybe I'm the only one.

    The Sixers are awes.

    Barrack is the man. I hope he gets the bid, and offeres the vice pres seat to Sammy D.

    Like Chris Rock said "I prefer syrup!" Unfortunate last words for Pimp C, but at least he didn't croak licking toad.

  2. Easy to question the Shaq move, but I'd take the big guy on sheer humor alone. It's sort of like when we gave up John Salmons in return for C-Webb. Though I guess Salmons is no Marion, and his indifference was just easily mistaken for grumpiness. Ignore that comment. Regardless, Suns weren't winning the West w/o Shaq, and likely aren't winning it with him, but at least they get to hear him rap in the locker room. Lenny Dykstra, I wish, was still celebrating birthdays, but chances are he is either dead or too drunk/high on pain med to put on one of this birthday cone hats. Whatever the fuck it takes, Dude.

  3. Killah Kenz...

    another post for the ages. sixers might go undefeated after the ASG. go Dalembert!

  4. Great win for the run and gun 6ers last night against those Mavs. They really shit the bed at the Westin City Center that second half.

    Andre Miller; comin' through.

  5. John Salmons was not part of the Webber trade; he signed with Sacramento as a free-agent. We gave up the mighty trio of Corliss Williamson, Brian Skinner, and Kenny Thomas for Cancer Chris.

    The Sixers also received Matt Barnes, a throw-in at the time who ironically is now the best player of the bunch. The Sixers, naturally, got rid of him with the promptness.

    Shaq's raps will obviously be a great addition to the locker room , but at a cost of 20 mil a year those raps better inspire like the Chariots of Fire theme song or else Phoenix could have hired Coolio to perform at halftime for $20 a pop.