Thursday, February 28, 2008

Big Firm or Little Limp?


The sixers played an important game last night. Though I have devoted some previous posts to larger social issues, such as love, community service, and the ordeal known as aging, it's time we returned to what's important: The sixers are the #6 seed if the playoffs started today. We had three twenty point scorers last night and held an impressive Magic team down, quite convincingly I might add. But perhaps more important than anything, the highlights I reviewed revealed one thing: Stan Van Gundy is one ugly mug. But sheer ugliness aside, what I find most amazing about Stan Van Gundy is that he actually looks like his name should be STAN VAN GUNDY. There are just certain people whose name matches the person they have become. Let me illustrate this point with a few examples:

Natural Congruence:
Mickey Morandini. For some reason this guy looks like a Mickey. He's squirmy, pale, possibly cross-eyed and has long hair. Though wikipedia tells me his middle name is Robert, I'm guessing it once was Marvin, or something along those lines. I think we can all agree that if Mickey Morandini looked like this, it just wouldn't make sense.

Shaquille O'Neal. The diesel is a significantly sized human being. A scorer, rebounder, dancer, actor, rapping genie, heavy sweater...he does it all. Now just think, if a man of his size and stature was named "Ryan O'Neal" the whole world would be out of wack. Kudos to mama O'neal who capitalized on what was otherwise a grotesque and oversized baby.

Boris Yeltsin: Boris means "fight and fame." Maybe I am victim to some circular reasoning, but again, if Boris was named Valery, or something to that end, he wouldn't be the same man in my eyes. This is a random selection, but Boris Yeltsin has stellar hair and impressive dance moves.

Ron Rollerson. This is an obvious choice. You try being 6'10" and way north of 320lbs and have a name that isn't rollerson. Rumor has it John Chaney found big Ron snacking at a Broad Street food truck and urged him to try out for the basketball team. It would only make sense...

Kyle Korver. He could be a NASCAR driver, but he chose basketball instead. Either way, this whitey of all whiteys looks like a Kyle Korver.

Those Who Cheat to Achieve Name-Persona Symmetry:
Kevin Ferguson aka Kimbo Slice. The man made a living filming bootleg back alley videos of himself beating up others. He's about to be a national phenomenon once CBS starts airing his fights on national tv. Once married to Britney Spears, the father of two soon to be drug addicted kids and a dancing machine, Kevin did what we would all expect him to do: change his name to Kimbo Slice. His MMA career depended on it.

Connie Mack. I guess "Cornelius McGillicudd Stadium" didn't have the same ring to it. Another Cornelius gone bad is Chevy Chase. Cornelius Crane Chase had great potential!

Amhad Rashad: For years I looked up to you because you were married to Claire Huxtable and gave me NBA Rewind. Yet I come to find out that your real name is as fucking Bobby Moore. BOBBY MOORE! How did you come up with Amhad friggin Rashad? Disappointing stuff to say the least.

Zsa Zsa Gabor. No one would give two shits about you if her name had stayed "Sari." In fact, no one would even be able to pronounce it. But regardless, homegirl looks like a Zsa Zsa. prrrrr.

Name is Misleading:
I truly love young Thaddeus Young, but he doesn't look like a Thaddeus. He looks more like a Terrence or Tyrone. Thaddeus would imply that he can read, and even write at an 8th grade level. This guy would be a true Thaddeus in my book.

Sam Slaughter. Again, love Sam Slaughter, but truthfully, does THIS MAN look like a Sam Slaughter? I think not. On the other hand, this guy does.

That is all.


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