Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Ask Tha Bul Bubak...

Dear Bul Bubak,

Is it ok to despise a person because they have a skin affliction which turns them into a dry, flaky monster that itches and scratches itself all day? I have to watch and be grossed out. Is it out of line to ask them what the hell is wrong with them? and tell them about the wonders of moisturizer?

- Fed up with Looking At Killer Eczema


It is ok to despise a man for absolutely no good reason at all. I could name at least three people off the top of my head who fall into that category, throw in some untreated skin affliction and bang! Hate Hate Hate! One thing we can all agree on is that working stinks. We would all rather be filthy rich on a beach somewhere nice and topless. Why at work should you be forced to hear the sound of fingernails scratching dry skin all day? You should not! Nor should you or anyone have to stare at arm dandruff or inflamed skin during that most harrowing eight plus hours of the day. Flake, you should bring your own moisturizer to work, use some, and ask this walking ointment commercial if he would like some. Eventually this will do the trick. (If not, tell him to buy his own tube. Cheap bastard.) If he refuses your offer of skin lube, ask him if he realizes he is the driest thing this side of the Mohave and the mere site of him makes you want to castrate yourself with a butter knife. I am pretty sure this one will get through to him.

Dear Bul Bubak,

I wanna "do" my good buddy's fiancée. Is that wrong? Should I refrain from acting on these feelings?

-Just Mulling Over Sex

Dear JMOS,

As I went over in last week’s column, there is nothing wrong with having sexual thoughts and fantasies about any women. NOTHING! To answer the first part of your inquiry: No it’s not wrong to want to “do” what I can only assume is an incredibly hot piece of ass. I am sure this woman you speak of is gorgeous, smart and can dance like nobody’s business. That being the case I can only imagine how hard it must be to not jump on her every time you see her. Should you act on these feelings? Do you still want to be friends with your “good buddy”? For some reason I am picturing this buddy as a bearded male that outweighs you by about 65 pounds and has some mental problems that might make him “snap”. So I would advise against buggering his fiancée…he might eat you if you do. (Not a pleasant way to go, trust me, I’ve been there.) In closing, if she is totally wasted and coming on to you and I…I mean he is out of town or passed out, GO FOR IT!

This has nothing to do with anything, but I find it to be uproarious! Just for good measure.

Once again, I encourage one and all to send me your moral and ethical dilemmas, problems, queries, if your unsure of of what to eat, watch, do or say. I can be reached at


  1. The scaly purple lizard must be stopped.

    For the record, I am also "blind."

  2. Dear Bulbak,

    today I confronted my dry-skinned Dilbert and followed your advice exactly as you said. He didn't seem to notice the moisturizer but when I told him he was drier than a desert(I decided to use Kalahari in my rant) and then said the part about castration he started crying and whining about "bad genes" and left and hasn't come back. Thank you Bulbak!!