Wednesday, July 23, 2008

SO's Wa, MA, AI and That Fucker Brett Favre

It's amazing how even in the dull heat of late July the sports scene, with only MLB baseball in action, can keep me on edge with excitement, outrage, and incredulity. So what exactly is piquing my interest this week? I hope enough for everyone, but it will help greatly if you are a Philly fan.

The Redemption of So:
Fear not Phillies fans, even after tonight's disappointing 6-3 loss to the Mets we have no reason to worry. What? No reason to worry? Isn't there always reason to worry? Well....yes, of course, but here's why the Mets can't beat us when it matters:
1)They have no heart, we got more heart than ten Olympic rowers wrestling five elephants in here.
2)Psychologically they are mere crumbs and will scatter to the wind come September when our big drums begin to sound.
3)We have three legitimate Mets killers: JRoll, Patrick McBatrick, and So Taguchi. Yeah you heard me, So is a card carrying member of the Mets Fans Want Me To Die club, and if you think I'm exaggerating his amazing at-bat on Tuesday, please escort yourself to the internet and type in So Taguchi, NLCS, 2006. He balled all day on those fools. I'd also like to add that Billy Wagner can also be considered a Mets killer, even though he currently plays for them.

Here's what great about So Taguchi: His name, his ethnicity, and his uniform number. Anyone named So is cooler than me and you, all Japanese people are high quality humans, and wearing the number 99 stinks so good of dignified confidence. Don't let his meager statistics fool or worry you, come crunch time he will make it rain Wa all over the competition.

Mr. Ma in Las Vegas:
I somehow stayed out of the Elton Brand signing madness, which was a mistake. I have many opinions on the newest Sixers, all positive, yet all covered with care and due diligence by the rest of the crack staff here at the DR. What I'd like to bring to the attention of the world is the other newest Sixer, a man named Marreese. First of all I have an honest question for anybody who cares to find out: does he pronounce his name as it's spelled or the way Maurice Cheeks does? Seriously I'd like to know. If it is pronounced Maurice I will be thrilled but quietly incredulous.
What makes Marreese worthy of attention in July is his performance in last weeks summer league in Las Vegas. Playing against other rookies, young players, and free-agent wannabees, Speights was a force and according to more than one reporter, among the most impressive players all week. Take a look at the young man in action and get away from me if you aren't excited.
I know the summer league is glorified pick-up and there's no D and whatever whatever. I don't care. I picture Marreese with another twenty-five pounds on his frame, a few years of private post-play tutoring from Dr. Brand, and I see a player who should have been picked way before sixteen. He's the dude who will play ten minutes a game this year giving fans everywhere the chance to scratch their heads and ask: who is that guy who dunked three times before picking up four quick fouls and leaving the game? The answer: Marreese. Pronounced Maurice. But I'm not positive.

The AI Scenario:
I have a highly brilliant idea which I'd like to propose to you and all the movers and shakers in the world who can help make it happen. The Sixers will be improved this year. They may even win a couple rounds in the playoffs. I don't think they are ready to compete seriously for a title yet, and that's fine with me. I will enjoy watching them grow and mature together for another year, and expect them to play hard and be fun to watch. To make the next step we'll need more help. The defense and rebounding will need to tighten up and become consistently excellent. The shooting will have to improve. So will the coaching. We also need a guy who can get tough hoops in the fourth quarter, somebody who can create with the ball and get to the free-throw line. Maybe Lou Will is that guy. Maybe not. I know one thing for sure: Allen Iverson will be a free-agent next year. And Allen Iverson can create off the dribble, knock down tough shots and get to the free-throw line while being waterboarded in a desert cave. Wouldn't it be kind of perfect if we signed AI for the mid-level, brought him home, and used him as our sixth man? Just thinking out loud. BRING AI HOME! More on this idea to come.

Favre is Gabrage:
I don't have much more to add but I want to make it clear that in my eyes, Brett Favre sucks. I do think his consecutive games streak is amazing but besides that, when was the last time he was good? Last year doesn't count because the postseason choke job was as inevitable as Charlie Manuel's next heart attack. Fucking retire and shut up Brett.