Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Little Elton Needs to Fly

Dieter Dengler has joined the Sixers. After all the machinations, discussions, digressions, capologies and josh smith-inspired wet dreams, it appears that the part time LA Clippers power forward and full time 'Rescue Dawn' producer Elton Brand will indeed be joining the Sixies next year.

It may be the 7 (going on 8) beers talking, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

It's not that E Brand is that great (even though he might be). It's not that this move instantly puts us in the east elite (even though it might). But the signal that easy Eddie sent to the rest of the league with this move is that the team out of Philly is not fucking around. Getting E Brand (someone get this dude a nickname, STAT) over a major market squad (Clips), and over a playoff team who offered him significantly more scrilla (Warriors) is a great big middle finger from our fat bald-headed GM to all the other squads in the league. And it's a big fat holler-come-see-us to every potential free agent (Iggy, Louwill and Dre in particular) in the entirety of the NuhBuh.

Earlier today i was speaking with my main mans and co-defendant Dr. Russakoff, who true to his pragmatic steez remarked that what the Sixers needed was 'a young Karl Malone or a healthy Elton Brand - and we're getting neither'. Which is true. Just hours ago i knew in my heart that i wanted Josh Smith at 65 million to Grizzly Brand at 90.

But damn son! Dre, Iggy, Thad (breakout season), Brandeis and Sammy D as the starting 5!? J Suave, Uncle Reg, and Louwill rounding out the top 8!? We're short a dead-eye shooter to be sure, but that lineup is fucking with anybody in the East!

Sure, Elton could be a 17 million a year cap albatross for the next 5 years. But at least we'll still have Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski sitting courtside!


  1. I heard a commentator on ESPN this morning say that Elton "John" Brand will make the Sixies a solid playoff squad, but that they will still be one player short of a championship...Hopefully, they will prove him wrong in the latter statement. They also said that the Clips will likely go after Josh Smith after the loss of "Marlon" Brand"o."

    I saw Werner Herzog speak at Penn this year. He is a nut; it was an experience.

  2. Did you mention to him that Rescue Dawn is a terrible movie?

  3. I did not. I chose not to have my head severed from my body.

    PS. D Hess would disagree with you on that one.

  4. D Hess drinks bankers club vodka straight, and warm, so I really don't see him as a source worth trusting...

  5. I will have none of this blasphemy. Rescue Dawn is amazing and anyone who says different can kiss my dieter dengler.