Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Of the Eagles & Other Demons

Though it may seem as though we work so hard at blogging as to preclude any hope with the fairer sex, the dedicated professionals of the DR do, every now and again, enjoy the company of those who lack the Y chromosome. (And not just the ones who expose themselves for money). But the good graces of the ladies are always tenuous, and all it takes is one small transgression for a blogger to be stuck back where he started, trying to rekindle romantic sparks from kindergarten in Hill Tavern over the holidays. Avoiding said transgressions is never easy, and made even more difficult when said ladies profess their allegiance to certain rival sports teams.

Dating a Dallas native hasn't been all that hard, to be honest. For one thing, I had written the Eagles season off weeks ago, and was having a fabulous time ignoring the NFL in favor of the lovable Sixies, who play the Mavericks but once a year, thus eliminating much of the potential for conflict. Things have been swimming along, with hardly a mention of football save for the occasional aside regarding Wade Phillips paunch, Tony Romo's sexual orientation, and T.O.'s chlamydia.

That's all different after this weekend. A gunshot to the leg here, a few running plays there, a timely Romo pick-six and now it looks like an Eagles playoff berth is a real possibility. It goes without saying that said berth would come at the expense of the 'Boys, thus imperiling not only the chances for the Birds desperately needed changing of the guard, but also my ever-tenuous hold on the booty.

Now, don't get me wrong -- watching the Cowboys go down in flames would be as satisfying as extra strength Gold Bond on a pair of chapped testicles. But conversely, another year of watching Andy Reid run two-minute drills would be like pouring that same Gold Bond directly into my eyeballs. I feel confused, trapped, dazed, like Rosie O'Donnell at a bisexual bridal shower.

The way I see it, there are 4 ways this scenario could work itself out.

1) Strange Victory, Strange Defeat
The Eagles and Cowboys each win their next two games, setting up a do-or-die Week 17 clash in the Linc. The Eagles triumph when T.O., on his way into the end zone for the winning touchdown, is hit in the head with a D battery. His subsequent fumble is scooped up by B Dawk and returned for a touchdown, after five laterals and a crushing block by Juqua Parker that decapitates Tony Romo.

I am dumped the next day for celebrating Romo’s demise. Meanwhile the Eagles lose in the first round of the playoffs when Andy Reid gets a technical foul for calling a timeout when he has none left, having burned his final one minutes before earlier by challenging the spot on a touchback.

Odds: 5-1

2) Cleveland Steamer
The Eagles put us out of our misery by blowing next Monday’s game against the Browns. Playoff talk ends, Kevin Kolb starts, Andy Reid pulls a Pizza the Hut. My relationship survives, at least until January 19th’s Sixers-Mavericks game.

Odds: Even

3) We Win the Super Bowl (Yeah Right)
With winnable games against the Browns, Redskins and Cowboys ahead on the schedule, the Birds could be riding a five game winning streak into either Arizona or Minnesota for a first round playoff game against a team that sucks. Shades of the ’08 Giants? Shades of the ’08 Giants. An Eagles title would almost certainly doom my relationship, due to how insufferable I would no doubt become from having 2 teams win in the same year.

Odds: 25-1

4) The Inevitable Triumph of Falcons
The third team in this jolly merry-go-round for the final playoff spot was 4-12 last season and had Joey Heisman starting at quarterback. This year, thanks to a weak schedule and a Philly QB, they’re 8-5 and tied with Dallas for the last wild card spot. They have 3 winnable games left against the Vikings, Bucs and Rams. There exists a large chance that will win all three games, thus rendering both Eagles and Cowboys moot and spreading the indignity equally upon Philly and Dallas alike. Did I mention that they are a cast of Falcons?

Odds: 2-1

For what it’s worth, I refuse to entertain the possibility of a Week 17 loss to the Cowboys and its subsequent effect on my love life. Some things are just too painful to contemplate.


  1. This is awesome! Thanks for turning me onto the DR. I check it daily as part of my routine to not do work!

    Mike Wolgin

  2. I'm still getting over the fact that you have a "love life" to speak of. I hang out w/ homeless people, and you have a love life. Sheesh.

  3. Please refer to www.thebcdiaries.blogspot.com for proper response.

  4. I'm sorry but i'm seriously confused by your links...half were not working and the other half were just sub par...I know I know I'm always hatin'..GET USED TO IT dalemBOOOOOOO REPORT!

  5. i know you aren't hating on my girl. while i don't always agree with her sports choices (i.e. i rooted for the WINNING team in last night's mavs game) i respect her proper right to hate on your choices. you get me?

    scenario 5: GO STEELERS!

  6. Big Firm, R. Kelly got his start panhandling on the Red Line. It seems that your friend is on the same track. When you and he are golden showering underage girls while EDG is watching Andy gain weight by the minute worrying about his "love life" you will undoubtedly have the last laugh.

  7. This comments section slightly disgusts me. I mean, who gives a shit about the Steelers, even if Omar Epps is their coach?

  8. Omar Epps is so the Stillers' coach.

    EDG, I say hi five on this post. Great analysis; great hyperlinks. Any excuse to bring Eli Porter into the mix is always appreciated.

    Best use of photoshop, here you come.

    F the Cowboys; Go birds.

  9. I wish I could take credit for that photoshop. All props due to my new favorite facebook group: "2/3 of the World is covered by water...the rest is covered by Brian Dawkins"

  10. Can you relate to how Romo feels EDG?

    "I like Romo and have a theory that he's just the latest talented QB to be undermined by a dysfunctional, bipolar relationship with Terrell Owens. It's just a theory. I'm not ready to swear to it.

    But T.O. and his sideline histrionics wear on a quarterback. He's like the hot stripper you tried to clean up and convert into a real girlfriend. It's a lot of fun until the moment she has her second drink while out to eat with your parents. You unravel quicker than she does."

    --Jason Whitlock

  11. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3763209

  12. "wide receiver Terrell Owens has expressed resentment toward Tony Romo, apparently jealous of the quarterback's relationship with tight end Jason Witten.

    Owens feels that Romo and Witten -- close friends and road roommates who came to Dallas in the same offseason -- hold private meetings in which they create plays the two will use in upcoming games without including Owens in the conversations"

    I caught some of Mean Girls on TV the other night, and I'm fairly positive this has exactly the same plot. Well done Cowpersons, well done. May I offer any of you a tampon?

  13. Or rather, a man-pon?

  14. The fuckin' Flyers won today in a solid stomping of the Guins.

    I know, I know, none of you care.

    Did I hear the announcers say that Mo Cheeks has been canned?