Monday, December 1, 2008

The Birth of a Dalemocracy


The First Annual Dalembert Report Awards and Strip Club Gala was a smashing success, so smashing that in the days after only two facts could be pulled with any certainty out of the burning rubble heap that is our collective brain: 1) We’re doing it again next year. 2) The 2008 Dalembert Award winners are…

Category: The Shavlik Randolph Award for Best Use of Homophobia
Winner: Flintskinz, "Taking down the gay picture was even gayer than the inherent gayness found within that really gay picture."
Prize: A pink and veiny penis lighter

Category: The Bring It Head Award for Best High School Reference
Winner: Big Firm, "Andre Miller not only looks like Juice Goldman but he apparently has the same lift as Juice when taking a jumper. Don't get me wrong, I love Andre Miller, but every time he takes a midrange jumper, I find myself asking the age old question: What the Dilly Oh?"
Prize: A fitted Germantown High Bears hat

Category: The Jerny Firm Award for Picture of the Year
Winner: Eldiablogrande, "Bul and Mrs. Bubak Enjoy a Holiday in Egypt"
Prize: A UNC Law beer cozy made by Big Jern himself

Category: The Latarian Milton Award for Video of the Year
Winner: DVDubs & Flintskinz, "Wrenches!!!"
Prize: A 50 cent church sale wrench spray painted gold

Category: The Let’s All Hope Dan Wins So He Doesn’t Hang Himself with an Aged Stripper’s G-String At the Dolphin Tavern After the Awards Dinner Award for Comment of the Year
Winner: DVDubs, The Phillies’ Nickname Comment
Prize: A McNabb bobblehead spray painted gold

Category: The Bloody Fucking Womb Award for Quote of the Year
Winner: Big Firm, "My recent trip to New York reminded me of the eternal question that confounds us all: why is it that the only way to fund a fresh set of basketball uniforms for the local church league is through mass distribution of king size peanut M&Ms?"
Prize: Family-sized bag of peanut M&Ms

Category: The I Am A Corporate Drone Award for Best Use of Photoshop
Winner: Eldiablogrande, "Yoko Marbury"

Category: The Jojari Award for Prediction of the Year
Winner: Big Firm, "Moreover, the Phillies are winning the fuckin World Series sometime soon. I'm talking "another Cincinnati Bengal gets arrested" soon. Now that Howard is toweling off with 100 dollar bills and Brett Myers has spent an entire off-season teaching his wife a lesson, not only should the NL East beware, but the majors at large should take note: the Phightins' mean bidness."

Category: The Home Run Kim Batiste Award for Best Obscure Philly Athlete Reference
Winner: DVDubs, "What about Jose Dejesus, Ken Howell, Rick Mahorn, Juan Samuel, Ricky Jordan, Greg Gross, Michael Zordic, Ron Hextall, and Eric Dejardins?"
Prize: Kyle Korver figurine, spray painted gold

Category: The Honorary Grandma Dalembert Award for Intangible Contributions
Winner: The Bul Bubak
Prize: Martin Luther King High Panthers fitted hat

Category: The Dalembert Award for Post of the Year
Winner: #1 Chief Naka, "Damn These Restrictions"
Prize: Life size measure up poster of Sammy D; infinite props and respect

Thanks to all our readers, but especially those who commented and voted. Viva la DR!!

15 comments:

  1. you guys are KILLING it. incredible.

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  2. The night was a resounding success, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that nobody involved contracted any type of 'issue' that penicillin is the best known cure for. But not for lack of trying.

    That being said....

    It was bronze, veiny dick lighter. not pink, because that would be mad homo. Bronze is dignified and shit.

    Also, I request an asterix next to the winner for the photoshopped picture. No need to air out the inner workings of the Dalemocracy here, but you know why.

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  3. Incredible night...Got too drunk (see last pic in the Big Firm album; whoah)...Still feel bad from it.

    Michael Ironside! Michael Ironside! The result would have been the same.

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  4. Comrades-

    I have numerous golden statues and a kilo of peanut MnM's still at my crib. If the winners of these prizes want to get at me and arrange to pick these goodies up let's do it.

    -ok so I opened the MnM's and have begun devouring them. Big Firm is owed 12 baggy rec-league uni's worth of MnM's next year.

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  5. I would urge everyone who won a golden statue to pick it up before the gold on said statute fades away/falls off.

    A fabulous night. Dubs you were wasted, but dan-willing won't soon be forgotten.

    See you all next year in the Gianni Room at 745.

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  6. Kenz, you have my golden McNabb. I definitely want to scoop that from you very soon. As for golden Korver, I am still waiting.

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  7. Flintskins, did you invite Brenda to join us next year...Not at the dinner o' course.

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  8. Very innapropriate reference. What happens in Shw-N-Tel stays in Show-N-Tel and in some cases planned parenthood.

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  10. If I have one regret for the year of 2008 it will have to be missing the DR awards Ceremony. I am at least happy to know that I was there in spirit with the JernyFirm award as well as sponsoring the award for the award for the Picture of the Year...Eldiablogrande drink with pride my friend...

    I can only hope that someone in attendance DID WORK SON!

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  11. If by work you mean balled up about $120 in singles and threw them at strippers naked crotches, then consider work to have been done.

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  12. I was beatin' that on a couch-dance.

    You were missed, Big Jern.

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  13. I have just installed iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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