Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Yosemite Sam Ain't Got Nothin' On ME!

Since your regular DR editors are busy plotting Billy King's assassination (did I really just put that on the internet? Goddamn you, interior monologue! You've deserted me yet again), loyal DR Sparks-provider Flyntskins has taken up the task of monitoring the local papers for the zany exploits of our local athletes. Enjoy:

Trent, we hardly knew ye.

As the minicamps come to an end this week, the Eagles will be embarking on a month long vacation before the preparations for the season truly begin at Lehigh on July 27th. AJ Feeley and Lito Sheppard will be lounging beachside in separate locales; Donovan McNabb is making his annual pilgrimage with a grip of buls to Arizona to eat Chunky soup and play catch; Sheldon Brown will be doing the gangsta lean behind the wheel of his new RV with his family in tow; and Reggie Brown will be quietly nursing the multitude of hideous, possibly medically undocumented venereal diseases picked up during his post-season trip to Thailand(*).

So, as you can see, despite their varied destinations our beloved Birds will similarly be using this time to relax, possibly take in a few light workouts and generally play it safe in anticipation of what will certainly be a rigorous, grueling, physically and emotionally taxing training camp and subsequent 2007 NFL season.

Everyone except Trent Cole, who’s doing his best to be the inspiration behind this year’s black armbands.

As dictated by our own Philadelphia Inquirer, the standout, young Eagles DE is planning to "[go] home to Ohio to fish, hunt, boat, and have some parties".

While the backwoods of Ohio presumably has a shortage of strip clubs, which are fast becoming the average NFL Player’s kryptonite/shooting range, by no means does this indicate that Trent will be avoiding any top-of-the-hour appearances on SportsCenter throughout the month of July.

In an effort to gain further insight into the magnitude of the tragedies that are all but imminent, Inquirer uber-vixen Ashley “I’m A” Fox managed to obtain the following quote from Cole despite her hectic schedule of DR reading(**) and being the object of my frequent, but decidedly un-creepy(***) daydreams:

"I've got a bass boat... I'll take a couple trips, because there's a bunch of lakes in Ohio. Ohio's a big state. I'm going to do some trapping, because I've got to get some varmints off my farm. There's some coyotes. We're going ATV riding, too. I'm getting away from the city life for a while where I ain't going to hear no sirens."

This one practically writes itself.

Boating. Hunting. ATVs. Varmints & Coyotes. This shit is going to play out like a real-life game of Clue ("it was the varmint, with an ATV, in the cornfield...")and Trent may not hear them, but sirens there will certainly be. This is easily the worst collection of ideas that anyone who doesn’t refer to their sister as ‘Mom’ has ever had, and it doesn’t take Nostradamus to predict the outcome. Update your death pools accordingly.

Your high step will always be remembered, Trent.

* - somewhere between speculation and an educated guess
** - I can’t prove that
*** - that’s very subjective