Friday, March 5, 2010

Vanilla Sky Has Fallen

Two years ago The DR draft coverage spotlighted a white boy of considerable intrigue: Joe Alexander, a kid who's combination of size and athleticism was surpassed only by his memorable nickname, Vanilla Sky. Turns out, two years later, that his size was irrelevant, his athleticism underwhelming, and his overall potential vastly inferior to his epic nickname. This season brought about a new low for the Vanilla One: a demotion to the NBA's D-League, a development farm for wannabes and busts. Turns out white guys can jump. To the minors. And then I remembered something important: Vanilla Sky was an atrocious movie starring an atrocious crazyman(long, only need to watch a minute to get the gist). Poor Joe never had a shot with a nickname like that.

But as I thought more about it I became fixated on the reality that in fact white men cannot play basketball very well. I began to scour NBA rosters to find American-born white folk with skills. And what I found was, frankly, gross and pathetic. The best white players aren't very good in the macro view, and they tend to be big ugly ogres who get by on heinous looks and technically perfect box-out techniques. Men like Chris Andersen, Kevin Love, Chris Kaman, Spencer Hawes, Troy Murphy, David Lee, and Brook Lopez. Then there's a whole crop of absurdly mediocre whitebreads who play further away from the hoop, with no increase in success, dudes like Mike Miller, Kirk Hinrich, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Kyle Korver, Luke Walton, Luke Ridnour, Jason Williams, Chase Buddinger, and the Matt's, Harpring, Carrol, and Bonner. Yes I left out some people, but does it matter? You know the state of the white-man has really hit a low point when Louis Amundson might be one of the top 15 caucasoids in the league. Truly, what would you trust any of these men to do well, other than pick out a polo shirt to match their khakis?

But I don't give up hope. Someday there will another white player with serious game, a man who can combine the game of Chris Paul with the skin of Ron Paul. Until then I will yearn for the days of Tom Chambers and Jack Sikma, Rex Chapman, and even the poster boy, for being posterized, Shawn Bradley.

I want to end on a sad note, the end of AI's marriage. How the hell a women stayed with this fella since high school without being accidentally shot by his posse amazes me, but something must have finally pushed her over the edge because she filed for divorce. Seriously, I'm full of sadness for the Iversons. This year has been a string of disappointments and disasters. No attempts at humor here, just saying I think it's sad. Like Vanilla Sky's career.

17 comments:

  1. I hate to pull a DVDubs almost as much as I hate to criticize a genius such as Chief Naka, but it is criminal that the name of Tom Chambers was not hyperlinked to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7T_Wg5ilo8

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  2. If Sam would change over to automatic hyperlinks like he said he would in November, then no one, including me, would have to pull a DVDubs.

    I won't hesitate to put my ethics on you. Who knew that Tom Cruise is the only one who can really help me? Wow, he is fucking insane. It's kind of like Corey Haim on Ludes in an interview, or Billy Bob Thornton on the radio. If they only knew.

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  3. Good link, Stand. I'm probably the only one who watched it.

    This guy was not only my uncle Ken's god-son, but also an NBA bad(white)ass:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXbzbtTihIM

    Worth watching. Do it, Flintskins.

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  4. Also had an incredible nickname: Thunder Dan. He was the perfect combination of insane three point-shooting ability with sick dunks, hustle, defense, and unselfish dishes. Where have all the Majerle's gone?

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  5. Thunder Dan was also on steroids. No way he wasn't. But he was still a great white.

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  6. The mystery behind the mystery of the disappearance of whites is why did all the great ones play for the Suns? Majerle, Chambers, Chapman and of course the elephant in the current room, Nash. We might be able to slip Jason Kidd in there too. Anyone have an explanation?

    ps. I love Thunder Dan and had totally forgotten about his penchant for random 30 footers. Great video.

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  7. Nash is Canadian. And I didn't think we could accept half-white players like JKidd. And my computer literally started to freeze up and tell me it was being infected when I clicked on a picture of Joe Alexander without a shirt and looking freshly brutalized by booze and drugs(which google led me to). No lie. There were many more links to be made but I feared for my personal banking info.

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  8. Why didn't this topic begin and end with Tim McCormick?

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  9. Big Firm, you are on steroids. Don't talk shit on my Uncle's Central Michigan godson, son! He bombed threes like you wish you could in a game of roughhouse, you never-drive falcon.

    I also thought the Lopez twins weren't 100% white; I could be wrong.

    J. Kidd definitely is not white; it's the black half of him that beat his wife. Oh God... I just won the DR racist award. David Justice! Oh God!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omt6lhuq5K0

    Disclaimer: Chief Naka, if you don't think my racism is funny, which you won't, please think of the large gentleman in the theatre during this film who made it far funnier than it actually was. I can still remember it.

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  10. No, cots, you just won the DR astute observations award.

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  11. Big Todd McCullough.

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  12. You guys are all Memet Okur!

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  13. I got some hoes in the loft gettin high like Rik Smits.

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  14. "Aaaarrrrrrrrrewegud?" zzEhhhhhbodygud?"

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