Monday, March 1, 2010

Chopped and Screwed

With spring training underway and the Phillies juggernaut busy limbering up for another deep playoff run, I'm bothered by one thing and one thing only. No it's not Cole Hamels and his My Little Pony voice and attitude. Nor is it concern with Brad Lidge's ability to close games; as I see it he had the worst year any human being could have and we still made the World Series. I'm not even worried about Charlie Manuel dying, which was a huge concern last year before he lost 100 pounds and resembled a large, half-deflated balloon.

No no no, our problems are more serious than that. Our biggest weakness, our main susceptibility, the chink in our armor, if you will, is this: NO ASIANS!!(Note: yes that was a horrible joke. Yes I offended myself and my family by writing it. And yes I attended a roast this past weekend which made that joke and others like it seem perfectly acceptable, which they aren't. But to hell with it) Not a single Asian brother. What makes it even worse is that our superb Asian from last year, Chan Ho Park, turned down a contract to play here, watched helplessly as the market for him dried up, and ended up signing with the deviant mothership of unholiness the Yankees. This story nearly broke my heart. Sure, we replaced one old Asian with two old (and if what I've come to expect from Cuban "birth certificates" is true, presumably much much older) Cubans and that could be a fair trade, on the baseball field. But this isn't abut baseball. This is about karma, superstition, and wa. Fact is, this current team has never appeared in the playoffs, won a playoff series, World Series, nothing, without an Asian on the roster. From Tad Iguchi to So Taguchi to Chan Ho last year, this most excellent stretch of success can be traced directly to the acquisition of our friends from the far East. How will this play out? I'm not sure, but come trade-deadline time I will be willing to give away the rest of our farm system, current stars even, for any brotherman if we're still bereft of Asians by then. Ryan Howard straight-up for Kenshin Kawakami? Yes, sure, do it. Chase Utley for Shin Soo-Choo? Pull the trigger. Hell, find Hideo Nomo and offer him a spot in the rotation. He's older than Mr. Miyagi but I bet he can still get a guy out here and there. And catch a fly with chopsticks. I think you get the point.

In closing, being of Asian descent means I'm obviously exempt from accusations of racism and cultural insensitivity towards my own people. However, if any of my fellow DR colleagues or loyal readers say something out of line, you are most definitely a racist piece of shit.


  1. I hereby request the Phillies sign Taka Tanaka, from Major League II

  2. this is flawless reasoning. But what about people that, while not Asian, are incredibly popular there like Eddie Furlong and Charlie Manual?

  3. Kenzo, there's room enough for one handsome Asain in this town and you've long occupied that spot. Chan Ho knows where he's not needed. You can't just grow a beard and think that's what it takes to make it in Philly but i wouldn't know cause I can't grow a beard. But I have lived in the 3 cities where Chan Ho park has played and will be playing. He pissed away the dream of having a desirable job in Philly and that is a greater crime than being a Germantown and Chelten sneaker store owning, god-obesessed, Lexus pushing, violin playing you know what.

  4. Shin Soo Choo is a badass. I would definitely like to have him on the squad. I think that bringing back Iguchi, and his translator, is the best option. We've already had him/them twice. Three times the charm. OR, what about bringing our main man over the pond to serve as batboy for his beroved Phirries? Does that count?

    Shame on the Phils for not signing CHOP; In my humble opinion, a big mistake. I'm still lamenting the loss of Cliff Lee. The sad thing for CHOP, other than playing for the biggest dickhole squad of money grubbers and roid-head cheaters, is that after leaving, he's making significantly less than he did last year. I'm glad that Philly has become a place where players want to come, want to stay, love to play. I remember a time when this didn't seem possible (throat clearing, Scott Rolen!).

    If picking up an Asian player is indeed paramount to the Phillies' success, and it is, maybe I can personally breaukur a dil vie-ya WIP; Hauwurd fur mat-soo-zack-eh. Hauwurd is a bum wheaw stroiks awht teauw much.

    If I were in possession of divine powers, I would resurrect Pat Morita to play for the Phillies. Sadly, I am not a God:

    Maybe we should just trade our whole squad for Ichiro. All in favor, say hai!

    Now let's go get some japas and Sapporos, and sing karoake at Yakitori Boy:

    If the Phillies succeed in acquiring an Asian player, we are guaranteed to win another World Series, and we will all celebrate Santori times on Broad Street.

  5. It's true, at the very least we could have kept Cliff Lee, as on paper, through the radio or any other medium in which he can't actually be seen it could be assumed he is Asian.

    On the upside, at least there should be less time spent in the clubhouse reiterating what size of batteries are being requested, and that time can be used to get in post-season shape.

    I await my DR '10 award for casual racism.

  6. Any award for DR racism will probably be of the blatant variety.

    And I found out that the phils strength and conditioning coach is named Dong Lien, so at the very least we got representation in the clubhouse.

  7. I am going to change my name to Lean Dick.

    I'm glad we have the Donger on board:

  8. Incredible.