Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Sporty Thieves

It's not often that a well-known political figure starts beef with a member of the DR editorial staff. Sure, there was that time that Rick Santorum accused Bubak of bestiality, and that other occasion where Big Firm got punched in the face by Frank Rizzo Jr. for wearing his lime-green NAACP Legal Defense fund hoodie in the line at Geno's, but generally elected leaders know better than to tangle with us and our new-found appreciation for libel law.

That all changed this week though, when former Phillie hall-of-famer Jim Bunning basically shit in the eye of our man Flintskins by refusing to sign an extension of jobless benefits, thus single-handedly depriving millions of Americans (including but not exclusive to the entirety of Northern Liberties stripper population), with their means of sustenance.

Now, Bunning's turn in the news got me thinking about other athletes-turned-politicians, and these thoughts turned out to be fairly unpleasant. Sure, there are some great success stories, but for every Bill Bradley there are at least a dozen Lynn Swanns. The problem, I reasoned, is that that only the most narcissistic and self-aggrandizing athletes decide to go into politics when their playing days are done (think Curt Schilling). Most of the athletes we love would rather spend their time running a car wash or cooking up delectable pork sandwiches, which is part of why we loved them in the first place.

The current crop of Philly sports stars is notable for it's lack of pomposity. Sure, Donovan can be annoying and DeSean Jackson's cockiness could get old, but by and large this town is patrolled by a group that's self-effacing and likable - hardly the types to run for office. All that aside, if I was Karl Rove, here's who I would nominate, ranked from least electable to most:

10 - Jose Contreras: His experience growing up in a socialist dictatorship could really endear him to the Tea Party crowd. However his lack of English potentially limits his broad appeal. I see him as a city councilman representing the area around K & A, with Garrett Reid serving as his chief of staff.

9 - Andy Reid: Sky-high name recognition. Extensive executive experience. Mormon. Andy is essentially a fat, wheezy, ugly version of Mitt Romney, and Mitt will most likely be the Republican nominee for President, paving the way for Reid's appointment as Surgeon General.

8 - Allen Iverson: In the right district, AI could be an unstoppable candidate. Unfortunately it would have to be populated entirely by felons, and last time I checked Graterford was not allotted a government representative.

7 - Riley Cote: I felt obligated to include a Flyer on this list, and Riley Cote seems like kind of a badass. He could definitely garner some votes in South Philly and Fishtown.

6 - Jason Smith: Tall, white, and handsome, J Suave would be irresistible on the campaign trail, at least until his rookie fling with a porn star came to light.

5 - Greg Dobbs: Has the
sartorial chops and wholesome appeal of a Senate candidate, and as a benchwarmer has plenty of time to campaign. Also would benefit from right-wingers who thought they were voting for former CNN personality Lou Dobbs.

4 - Kareem Townes: The ultimate long-shot candidate. Townes candidacy could harness the twin themes of "redemption" and "local boy makes good" after his arrest in 2002 for selling a half kilo of crack to an undercover. After all, Marion Barry got reelected after getting videotaped smoking crack with hookers in a motel room, and who in Philly hasn't had a couple ounces of crack on them at one time or another? Townes is an early release away from being mayor of this town.

3 - Carlos Ruiz: Charming. Bilingual. Experienced with running a large organization (the Phils pitching staff).

2 - Charlie Manuel: Uncle Cholly's got the down-home style that appeals to the Joe the Plumbers of the world, but beneath his folksy manner lies the mind of a Rhodes scholar and the heart of a Kenyan marathon runner. He's already the honorary mayor of Philadelphia.

1 - Aaron McKie: Could get elected to any office in the land on the strength of his beard alone.


  1. Thank god the DR is back. I was actually contemplating joining the Dana Carmel blog just so I would have something to read while I wasted my days at work...phew!

  2. I am ashamed that Bunning was ever a Phightin' Phil. What a fucking fuck.


    This one goes out to Raleigh Towel and Big Firm:


    The Phils play Florida State tonight. This is the one time I could justifiably root against our beloved Phightins,... But I won't. Go Phils.

  3. Sometimes I want to be a republican just to piss Dan off. In fact, when I win the lottery, I will become one. And the filibustering will begin. Ohhhh the filibustering.

    What were we talking about?

  4. The DR should become pen-pals with Kareem Townes.

    Great list but must add that JRoll is a natural born politician. Imagine him and Charlie together. Honestly what demographic wouldn't a JRoll-Charlie presidential ticket appeal to? Red state-Blue state, Black-White, English-Gibberish, these guys cover all the bases, no pun intended.

    Also, as an actual Flyers fan, unlike the rest of you(besides DVDubs) I must point out that Riley Cote is no longer with the Flyers. He was released and is taking punches to the head in a different uniform. But whatever i'd still vote for him as enforcer general.

  5. Where the Flyboys are concerned, I see Dan Carcillo as a shoe in for Philadelphia City Council in districts that envelope South Philly or the Great North East.

    I would agree with Chief Naka where J-Roll is concerned, except I think he will have to improve on his public speaking skills if the John Kennedy commercials are any indication of his current stage presence.

    Fuck you, Flintskins. The only person winning the lottery here is me. Just ask Stand Watie. And when I do win--it's only a matter of time--I will save the whales, the rain forest, and put Domino's Pizza out of business, all while peeing on your head (I'll give you ten bucks). Go literally let Jim Bunning give it to you up your strike zone. Since he's already doing it figuratively, you might as well get something out of it. I bet he'd do it too. He's probably one of those Glory Hole Republicans, as you will be should you join the party. I said good day!

  6. EDG, much like between your forehead and hairline, there is a big empty space at the end of your post. Please fix.

    I will now devote all of my resources to killing whales with weapons made 100% of rainf forest trees, made in factories I will clear out large chunks of the rainforest to build, and will serve only Dominos pizza to the underpaid, underaged workers. And when those little bitches get knocked up, no choice for them!

    Suck it, lefty.

  7. So much to say about this post. First, felons can't vote in most states so AI might be irretrievably damaged on that score. Second, if that Runyon story is true, suddenly the Senator Mutombo story from the Onion is not looking so far fetched. In the words of Yakov Smirnoff, what a country. Third, J-Roll would make a great candidate...until the inevitable "Jargate" scandal. Fourth, I hope everyday was careful enough to read the comments on the Club Ozz link.

  8. True; J-Roll has a lot of jars in his closet.

  9. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.