Monday, February 8, 2010

Sammy's Trade Value

Another ten days and twenty inches of snow from now the NBA trade deadline will be upon us, in all its contract-shedding, draft-positioning, awful-GM's-trying-to-save-their-job glory. For Sixers fans this means watching in horror as Ed Stefansky is yet again given an opportunity to evaluate talent, tinker with salaries, and mold the roster for the future. Armed with a track record of failure in all three areas, Ed finds himself staring directly down the barrel of an Ed Snyder held shotgun, his job a few more miserable months away from early termination. Luckily for Ed he has a trump card: the non-expiring, trade-kicker enhanced contract belonging to the greatest Haitian since ever, Sammy D. In other words, Ed has Sam, and Sam has the world. By the balls. What is fair trade value for a man of such dignity, stature, and contractual heftiness? Here are the rumors, and my own opinion on each.

Sammy D and Iguodala for Amare Stoudemire
This is laughable. So we're trading our best player, Sammy D, and our most annoyingly good player, Eyegadala, for an overpriced combination of the two? I don't get it. Stoudemire is good for twenty points a game, eight blown defensive switches, five casual-to-lazy pursuits of a loose ball, and absolutely zero trips to a devastated nation to provide relief, support, and inspiration. If Phoenix included Steve Nash, Leandro Barbosa, and agreed to build a time machine so they could undo the 1993 trade of Charles Barkley for Andrew Lang, Tim Perry, and Jeff Hornacek, I'd consider it. I'd at least let them buy me lunch while I considered it.
Verdict: Of Course Not

Sammy and Iguodala for Tracy McGrady
Ten years ago this trade would have made sense: Sammy was in college and Iguodala high school, while McGrady was at the height of his talents and health. I would certainly make that trade. But time moves on people, and Sammy has gone pro, mastered the english language, and enjoyed the finer points of American barbering. Sure we'd save more money than ten nervous octogenarians at Wal-Mart, but the Beatles said it best: can't buy me love.
Verdict: Igga Please

Sammy D for Dwight Howard and Jameer Nelson
This is enticing only because it would place Sammy much closer to his native home, and he could literally commute to work from Haiti. Otherwise it's a no-go. Jameer is a local guy and believe me I respect his game, but he's injury prone and one or two more surgeries away from becoming the next assistant coach at Rider. Howard is big, strong, and big and strong. Beyond that I don't see the big deal. If I had to choose a guy to break rocks with his bare hands, I'd take Howard. If I had to choose a guy to make rocks disappear and return as loaves of bread, then it's Sammy. Is there really any choice there?
Verdict: Negatron, not even if they included Disney World and that hot girl from High School Musical.

Sammy for Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum, and Kobe
We're getting me vomiting. I'd just as soon trade my future wife and kids for a bowl of dirty snow with a frozen dog turd on top. I can hardly use my eyes the day after watching Gasol on TV, he's that physically atrocious. If there is anyone in the world uglier than him please send me a link. I'm a big believer in a persons worth being intractably connected to the re-arranged spelling of his last name. Bynum re-arranged spells NY Bum. Case closed. And Kobe? I want him on my team the way I want incurable cancer combined with red-hot hemorrhoids. Besides, Sammy needs fresh air to thrive and LA has none.
Verdict: No. Insulting.

Sammy for Lebron
Lebron is very good at basketball, maybe the best. He can do it all, he's a great teammate, he's fun to watch, and he's some ridiculously young age, so he has many years of basketball ahead of him. He's poised to dominate not only the league, but the world, if you buy into the global icon/corporate whore thing. Here's the thing, one of these two men will be on money one day, and it ain't Lebron. It's hard to trade a superstar and get equal value, but it's impossible to trade a guy who IS(or will be) monetary value. And that, my friends, is what we have in Sammy D.
Verdict: Gourde notes for everyone! Sammy Stays!

As for the rest of the Sixers roster, my opinion on whether we should trade this player or that is yes, yes, yes , yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Oh and resign AI. Viva Haiti. Later suckers.


  1. A compelling return by Chief Naka, reminding us all the greatness lies in his posts! I agree wholeheartedly with everything you have said above, and I eagerly await DVW's contribution regarding your invitation to link to the ugliest creatures God has ever created. I will also note that Kobe Bryant's name rearranged spells "gay ass homo"

  2. I don't want to disappoint Mr. Firm. Please scroll down to number 5:

  3. Chief Naka, you have, hopefully, helped save me from cabin fever with your Sixies insights:

    Instead, I am reading the DR and acting like this:
    Please watch this; it is amazing.

  4. Hyperlink your damn videos. That is all.

  5. Make them hyperlink themselves! We discussed this very doable concept at the DR Awards dinner, did we not? EDG?

  6. P.S. Shut up, Fintan.

  7. The only trade that I might, I emphasize MIGHT, accept is Sammy D for Von Wafer.

    Here are some more ugly fucks (this is a pretty good list):

  8. Who the fuck are the ad-wizards who came up with this one?

    I know, without confirmation, that Big Firm loves this.


    Mcmahon is the only good part about this. He likes to go go go on his Hoverround.

  10. The Sixies are worthless: