Thursday, December 3, 2009

Can't Kick


I, unlike many of my peers and comrades at DR headquarters, am not addicted to brown liquor, prescription pills, or the trusty services of women-for-hire. I don't take spontaneous trips to Atlantic City for the rush of losing my meager fortune to a dealer named Gary, a waitress named Loretta, and a pile of shitty cards. I've never had the pleasure of gushing rivers of crackhead sweat in nervous anticipation of my next trip to planet crackrock. As a teenager I watched a movie about heroin addiction and decided then and there to sidestep the tempting yet ultimately unfulfilling life of a scary ghost carcass. I hear working out with large ropes, kettle balls, and private trainers can be euphoric, but that too is another one of life's addictive joys I have stupidly not fallen prey to. Sometimes this despicable wholesomeness keeps me up at night and nearly pushes me into the arms of a crushed up percocet and a small bucket of whiskey, but DAMMIT, I have neither the emotional nor psychological wherewithal to make that beautiful dream a reality. Which is why today was such a wonderful day for me. I realized, around 10:30 pm, that I too am burdened with an affliction that does me more harm than good and threatens my sanity. Quite simply, I am addicted to Allen Iverson.

I never thought I'd have an epiphany about my own addiction while watching a skinny black man wearing a v-neck undershirt cry his eyes out with a chubby and bald white man beside him. But this, folks, is the unique process of enlightenment. Sure enough, there sat Allen Iverson, a grown man crying little boy tears, triggering all manner of flashbacks and feelings of old. See I had forgotten what the Iverson addiction was like, because I had kicked it years ago. At least I thought I did.

But watching him cry and listening to his raspy eloquence brought the AI addiction back into my life with force. I know he's made more poor decisions than Cuba Gooding Jr. I understand that the likelihood of his shooting many shots, hogging many basketballs, and avoiding many if not damn near all of Sammy D's post-up efforts will be, to borrow a well-worn word and picture, high. But I don't care. I have sampled this man's basketball offerings, the game, the wardrobe, the press conferences, the drama, and I decided long ago that his product was the best on the block. For a while his product disappeared and I had to rely a cornucopia of crap to get by, but now that the good shit is back this is a no-brainer. Some things in this world aren't right. And some things make sense. AI is back in a Sixers uni and for today, all is right with the world.

Haters speak up, I wanna know what the hell is wrong with you.

8 comments:

  1. Pookie is an early picture of the year candidtae (Trung).

    So glad AI is back where her belongs.

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  2. First of all, the DR is back!
    Secondly, i take issue with your characterization of us at the DR as drunks and pill-poppers. That's merely a weekend hobby... or per Tone's above post, a very late Thursday night/early Friday AM occurrence.
    AI is crack, it's that simple. Preach, brother, preach!

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  3. I am not a pill popper nor a drunk. I indulge in other things that are great thank you very much.

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  4. As well as this post captures DR staffer's feelings on AI, it does an even better job of characterizing and describing my various addictions. Well met, I say!

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  5. I love A.I. And, much to Big Firm's chagrin, I will be sporting his jersey to games, no undershirt, like a true king.

    And, Chief, I've been to A.C. with you and seen you at the roulette wheel.

    "Always bet on black."

    I too am accurately characterized in this post, though I would add dip, weed, pizza, and internet porn.

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  6. ... And Super Squishies:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61kHpmenkT8

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  7. My thoughts on the subject are very well documented.

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  8. I have to disagree with Bubak's statement above that he is not a pill popper. The Bul once went for an ironman stretch of OC doing. I think it was something like 27 straight days.

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