Monday, December 7, 2009

The New Guy

Being the new guy in the office is never fun. Between orientation, trainings, meet and greets and frequently getting lost trying to find the bathroom things can be a bit overwhelming. While Allen Iverson has worked in this factory before, a lot has changed since those days and he may as well be starting back on the ground floor. Luckily for the Answer, he is not alone. In the wake of Comcast acquiring the majority of NBC AI has found himself amongst many other new hires. In my experience, the quickest way to fit in as the new guy is to make allegiances with the other newbies. In honor of the official return of AI tonight, our crack staff at the DR has come up with the best of the bunch for AI to bro-down with. Feel free to add more in the comments section.

Tracy Morgan

This is clearly the most obvious pairing, but also the one with the most potentially hilarious consequences. Tracy Morgan is essentially a crazier version of his character on 30 Rock, allegedly does a whole lot of yay and is ace-rollies with Ghostface Killah. This is basically the posse that Iverson has been looking for his whole life, and even though it is obvious rolling with him will end his attempts to resurrect his career, the stories alone will be worth it. Add Mike Vick to the crew and you have the greatest prison sports comedy film with an even better soundtrack than Above the Rim unfolding before your eyes.

Matt Lauer

Undoubtedly, M to the Izzel has been feeling a little shook ever since Ron Artest aired him out on his 2006 My World album, sending such Ether-esque disses his way such as “you look like a girl” in reaction to Lauer’s interview of Artest after the infamous crowd beat down in Detroit. Iverson, still searching for redemption after the shelving of his own rap album in 2000 is looking for MC rebirth, and this odd couple of epic proportions could benefit from becoming ace-rollies. The Answer gets unlimited promotional push and the backing of the liberal media who once got all uppity over AI suggesting that certain people would end up sleeping where the maggots be, and Lauer gets all of Bad Newz, VA as a personal bodyguard.

Chris Matthews

While AI hasn’t been gone for too long, he’s been gone long enough that he may have lost a little street cred and has almost certainly seen his various weed suppliers get locked up, find real jobs or found God/Allah. Nicetown native Matthews understands that real recognize real and can probably help. He can take AI on a tour of Nicetown’s finest convenience stores, and in turn AI can help Matthews’ show appeal to thus far unclaimed demographics. With a sliiiight name change of course, as exhibited above.

Lorne Michaels

No one has really laughed at or cared about Saturday Night Live for years. Short of Andy Samberg, I’m not sure I can tell any of you the names of any cast members, and I only know his because he stuck his junk in a box with Justin Timberlake. Lorne Michaels won’t admit this, but he knows it too. The obvious answer, short of permanent host, is to make AI the new Eddie Murphy, and send the fat guy from Good Burger back from whence he came.

Jay Leno

You know the guy in the office that no one really likes, but has been there so long and has been promoted high enough that no one can actually do anything or say what they really want to because of it? Clearly that is Jay. They managed to bring in a replacement for him, and yet still couldn’t get rid of him. This does not bother AI. Understanding the frustration of all of his new coworkers about the lingering office problem, the Answer will live up to his moniker by pretending to befriend the ousted late night host, and begin taking him to TGI Friday’s with him nightly, until the excess causes his work attendance and performance to suffer, finally resulting in a forced retirement after a particularly bad morning which finds Leno arriving with a half cornrowed head, a fresh dookie chain, a shirt covered in regurgitated ultimate mudlides and pants covered in blunt filling. The NBC world will rejoice accordingly.

Bonus buddy: Michael Vick

The last time AI and MV were publicly seen together was during a post prison release strip club visit, in which it was alleged that AI didn’t spend a single dollar the entire evening (there’s a dog joke here somewhere, but we’re above that). On the road to Philly riches and non guaranteed contracts at the veteran minimum, these two will now meet again, and for both of their sakes as mentioned above, hopefully Tracy Morgan is not involved. My close proximity to many of the area's most noteworthy gentlemen's clubs almost ensure that I will get to witness this travelling circus firsthand. The only thing I ask, nay, beg of these two is to leave any Phillies out of it. We need them on the field, not waiting on phone time.


  1. Even though Project Runway is no longer owned by NBC, i feel as though AI, Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum would have been a water-cooler posse to be recokoned with.

    also - in retrospect it appears that Ron Artest is a genius, as his 'you look like a girl' diss of Lauer was not as previously thought a low-brow, semi-insane playground taunt but instead a clever reference to Matt's J-Lo Halloween getup. Well played sir, well played.

  2. And he went to Temple.


  4. i'd really like someone to explain that matt lauer picture to me... does he have real boobies?

  5. Lauer and Big Firm (as Hooters girl) should go out together in the East Village.

  6. We're stuck with Candy Andy Reid for the forseeable future.

    I was hoping that the Eagles would say something like this:

    Look forward to many more 4th and 1's on the goal line where we don't make it in.

    "Fiur Andy Reid, cuz."

  7. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.