Thursday, January 8, 2009

He-Brain and Bra-Heezy

When faced with a crucial decision in life I must decide which lump of anatomy to trust: my brain or my heart. Complicating matters is my gut, which wins two-thirds of the arguments due to numbing hunger. With so much internal tension broiling inside, how am I supposed to make tough choices? In matters of the heart it would make sense to listen to the heart, except my heart is blind to the world and often sidetracked by the loud screaming coming from the gut, only inches away. The brain has some advantages, including memory and the power of analytic thought, but lives so far from the gut that it often operates at half capacity, making tough choices nearly impossible. And therein lies the problem: the heart and the head are so intertwined that it's hard to tell where one stops and the other starts. And yet separating them sometimes is the only way of focusing and getting perspective.

This applies to sports as well. The Eagles play a huge playoff game this Sunday against the Giants, a game full or intrigue, subplot, and genuine rivalry. Instead of making a simple pick of who I think will win, I think it's important to introduce the characters who are battling within my body to decide on the pick. I'm not sure they can agree on the game, but I'm positive they will agree that no strangers will be allowed to watch with them, and cheesesteaks will be consumed ferociously. So let me introduce them now, Mr. Heartless Brain and Mr. Brainless Heart, or for brevity's sake, He-Brain and Bra-Heezy.

The Heartless Brain avoids the trap of thinking too highly of destiny, fate, or outright magic. He sees two teams, rationally determines which is better, and expects the better team to win. He looks at match-ups, sees the major mismatches and has no trouble accepting what these match-ups could mean for his team. Stats are often used by He-Brain as explanation for an opinion. He has watched enough games to know for sure that nobody is guaranteed anything; there is no cosmic law at work making sure fairness and justice will prevail. Sports, like life, isn't fair, and He-Brain isn't particularly moved by this reality, whereas Bra-Heazy is driven crazy by the inequality of the universe, especially how it relates to his favorite teams. He-Brain could pick against his own team in the playoffs, and will. Lastly, he thinks Sammy D is overpaid, should never shoot the ball, and will never be more than a disappointing NBA player.

The Brainless Heart puts far too much stock in coincidence, meaningless media opinion, and superstition. He often feels overly positive or negative for reasons that have little or nothing to do with reality. Losses can be attributed to a player or team appearance on a major magazine cover. A win is credited to a specific seating arrangement among friends in Bra-Heezy's living room, or to an outfit worn during the game. The Brainless Heart has opinions, strong ones, but they fluctuate wildly and are as inconsistent as Oprah's diet. Bra-Heezy is quick to pronounce his team the best, then even quicker to reverse course and proclaim his team is awful, maybe the worst in the league. There is no rhyme or reason to his pattern of thought besides the consistent lack of sound judgment and an inability to deal with basic outcomes and facts with maturity. Bra-Heezy makes ESPN, talk radio, and Dei Lynam possible, yet he is still cooler than He-Brain. He believes Sammy D was sent to earth to led the Sixers to a championship, and inspire a blog in his name along the way.

Now that you know the players, here are their picks for this weeks game.

Heartless Brain: I think the Giants will win because of all the obvious reasons: they are home, they are rested, and they were a much better, more consistent team throughout the year. They can and will run the ball effectively, and Eli Manning is good enough to make plays through the air. The Eagles have convinced a lot of people they are better than they are, but when faced with a strong team in a hostile environment, they will prove to be what they were all year: predictable, inconsistent, and frustrating to root for. Final Score: Giants 27 Eagles 17

Brainless Heart: The Eagles will win this game because of all the obvious reasons: they are the hotter team, they have nothing to lose, and they have playoff beards. Brian Westbrook has always killed the Giants, and will do so again. Expect at least two BWest td's. The team chemistry is flowing like activator through a moist jheri-curl and the beards of unity are just the type of quirky talisman that championship teams need. Asante Samuel is destined to redeem himself for the dropped INT in the Super Bowl, and he will take a pick to the house. And lastly, and most important, the Phillies won in '80 and '08. And the last time the Eagles won a title was in '60. Flip that sucker over, juggle it a bit, and you get '09. Destiny people!
Final Score: Eagles 20 Giants 17

The rest of the DR Staff picks

Big Firm
Head: Eagles 21
Giants 17

Heart: Eagles 24
Giants 13

Bul Bubak(Choosing with his gut I presume)
Eagles 23
Giants 17

ElDiabloGrande(Clearly straight He-Brain at work)
Giants 27
Eagles 20

Head: Eagles 27
Giants 24

Heart: Eagles 87
Giants 0(with every Giant player getting injured or dying)


Citing previous incorrect predictions regarding football and The DR, Finetone excused himself from prognosticating but promised a football post of his own. Classic Bra Heezy.

Stand Watie remains silent.


  1. Amazing post. Maybe the best part is the stripper picture since I almost used it yesterday when describing when the penis and the heart find the same interest.
    Bra Heezy is my kind of guy. I want you all to imagine what Sammy will be doing during this game. It's inevitable that if he wanted to go into a hockey game and hit people, he will be voodoo dolling Eli for the entire three hours.
    We got this shit on lock, GO BIRDS

  2. I take it back. clearly the best part is the bobby and whitney progression.

  3. Yes, I was also wondering where the penis comes into play (Prohmo). Go Bra Heezy!

    This is how I feel:

    Yet another top-notch post from Chief Naka. I am hyped for the game. Go Birds.

  4. Here is my prediction for the game:

  5. Chief, I agree 100% about Kool-Aid. I'm picking all heart:



  6. The machine feeds the robot, the robot rides horses then adds to the chest of knowledge, then drops riddles for the kiddles...

    You ask?
    What did my neighbors do? What does this imply? Who?
    Noisy noisy noisy

    NY rigged
    Phila. rigged

    Thus, look at TV ratings / contracts, and your bookies spread and viola..
    Correct answer every time..

    We bet on them, eagles lose, we bet against them, eagles win, the third factor is whether or not the game is real or not..

    Places vulnerable to rigging? First would be ALL coaches. Then there is many individual players and referees. Ask yourself, with Vegas alone making millions upon millions off of sports betting shouldn't it be obvious that the pennies some of these folks make in years won't match what they could make throwing a game. The point spread is the only factor that fluctuates...

    The romans had gladiators, and we've got football,
    that said I'ma watch the game.

    Also Alberta... On your radar?

  7. To summarize my theory..
    The Hartford Whalers shall be victorious, and that SI cover is a curse that we need to wake up to


    sadly I think shall win..

  8. You can't begin to know how funny I think you are! What made you and Sambo D break up? Did he call you a Bemba? Let it slide. A good man is hard to find! BUT OVER-RATED OVER-PAID 6'11 CENTER'S ARE 11 MILLION A DOZEN!!! Later, aushi!