Sam on Guns, Drugs, and Stormy Weather

This interview was conducted this morning in Sammy D's living room over a brunch of fruit loops, lo mein, and pomegranate juice.

Me: Hey Sam, eating healthy today, huh?
Sam: Always man, everyday. Gotta keep my spirits high with delicious food.

Me: What do you think about Andy Reid's sons, who do heroin and carry guns?
Sam: In Haiti we call those kids middle schoolers. Here in America they are arrested and put in jail. If I had to give them any advice, I would say to Britt and Garrett, hey guys put yourself to use, join a militia somewhere and let the drugs and guns work for you and not against.

Me: Sam, are you condoning drug abuse and violence?
Sam: What do you mean?

Me: Do you condone people doing hard drugs and carrying guns?
Sam: No, I never use condoms, no matter how many drugs or guns are present.

Me: I think you misunderstood my question......I meant....let's just move on. Tough game tonight against Washington. Any specific tactics to stop Gilbert Arenas?
Sam: Yes, he likes to talk during the game, so Mo(Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks) gave out homework last night to the team. Every starter has to come to the game with 5 disparaging remarks about Gilbert's mother, grandmother, and sexual orientation. The subs must have 2. This way the whole team will talk to him all game and make him angry and impotent. If this doesn't work, Mo says we will play zone. Very strong game plan tonight.

Me: Bad weather today. How is it driving for you in the snow and ice?
Sam: No problem at all. I now have insurance so accidents are no worry. I will probably drive my new Prius tonight.

Me: You have a Prius?! That's great! You're interested in better gas mileage and saving the environment?
Sam: No. My favorite uncle was named Prius. He was killed by a car. I think this is my way of spending time with him. Fuck you for making me sad.

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't know....
Sam: Get out.