Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It's Lonely at the Top

What with Brad Lidge doing his best impersonation of Geoff Geary, we've been loath to address another worrisome mound-based development which is that Cole Hamels is pitching less like the World Series MVP and more like Eddie Harris after he ran out of Vagisil. It's true, there have been signs of life lately, but the fact is we have yet to see an extended stretch of Old Cole and it's slightly disturbing. Now, the reasons for this could be myriad: Cole was injured to start the season and is just now rounding into form; Cole is saving his best for the postseason; Cole has an undisclosed STD that is affecting his release point - all these theories hold credence. The there's this:

My powers of language are limited, so I can only go so far in assessing this indelibly retarded image.

1) This makes me want to never ever buy an apartment in 2 Liberty and in reality make me never even want to walk past the building anymore.

2) I am worried about the effect of all the spray-tanner on the baby.

3) Who are Cole Hamels' friends and why is there not one of them that told him that this was not OK? Like, at all.

4) I love a white tux as much as the next guy, but the popped collar seems a bit extreme.

5) Couldn't they have just got to the point and advertised using this? I for one would be much more likely to spend 7 million bucks on an apartment in a building full of mud-covered naked women than in one where I have to see my creepy white-clad neighbors fondly fondling the fetus of their future demon spawn.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, there's also this creepy photoshop job involving Cole in bed with a weird bevy of multiracial children who don't look like they belong to him:


  1. There is also a gay looking dog that probably does belong to him. Seriously, this ad is like an early 90's Stetson commercial:

    Cole's voice is also incredibly high.

    I think the injury, and distractions like this photo shoot and its backlash, have held him back, but he seems to be coming into form again now.

    "Homerun, Jason Michaels!"

    Keep 'em comin', EDG.

  2. Apparently, doing these ads gets you into the running for the Roberto Clemente Award. You can vote for Cole now at:

    Voting gets you a chance to win 4 tickets to the World Series, and other cool ish. The only condition is that if you win, you have to take me with you.


    "Who are you?"

    The new Charlie Manuel has some great jorts, ala Stand Watie steez. P.S. when is the Watie going to be over for a Stand post?

  4. Top 10 things that went through Cole Hamel's mind after winning the World Series: