Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Coming Full Circle

I came ready to post about Brad Lidge, Mad Dog Madsen, five solo homers, and my return to Philly... only to realize that my homecoming was grossly out-shadowed by that of another high flying athletic black man: Rodney Carney. That's right, people, the Sixers, in their enduring pursuit of the 4th seed in the playoffs have signed a non-SAT taking Memphis alum (of sorts)...again! This is the most positron thing to happen to me since Reconstruction. With Rodney Carney throwing down from the free throw line, wearing high socks, and making it rain Arash style, the Sixers are assured no worse than a disappointing round 1 loss come 2010.

But back to my intended subject matter. Mr. Fine Tone promised me a post about Brad Garb-Lidge, but instead, he has presumably slept all week. That being so, it's time I vent. I will forever hold Brad Lidge in high regard. After all, he did give me the most wonderful moment in my life, Bar Mitzvah night aside. However, even my utmost gratitude does not justify the huge black penis he has been sucking this year. 0-7? Ten blown saves? An ERA hovering around the number of hairs on African Bull's head? I'm even getting sick of the mole on the right side of his face. Eldiablo and I think we discovered the remedy for your shittiness, Mr. Lidge: change your fuckin song. Last I checked, the soldiers have left Iraq, headed for Camp Pendleton, and soon will be harassing honeys in Old City. Forget the soldiers, this is for the cuzzes. New song, new slider, new result... I think it makes perfect sense.

All our closer's mental retardation aside, the Phillies, my friends, are steadying themselves for another October run. I see very little that potentially stops our train. For one, Burrell is in Tampa and Giul is married, so the potential homosexual distraction no longer presents itself. Moreover, Kyle Kendrick has as much chance of toeing the rubber as I have of tackling Devin Hester. Time to do work, see you Gs on Broad Street.


  1. I think Lidge should change his theme to something smooth, as cuz rock is not getting it done for him these days. I've thought about this long and hard and i think the perfect song is Warren G and Nate Dogg's "Regulate". Think about it: musically, it's a 180 degree turn from "This is for the Soldiers", and Lidge needs a 180 degree turn in his performance. It's popular enough that, even though it's by a black artist, Phillies fans will recognize and love it. And it perfectly defines a closer's role on the team - to come in, shut shit down and handle biz - in a word, to regulate.

    Also: Carney!!! If he's not the missing piece, I don't know who is.

  2. I think since Lidge has been taking in the ass and sucking cock for weeks, he should change his tune to "its raining men"

  3. I would also like to point out its going to take an inspired effort to beat out "tackling Devin Hester" for hyperlink of the year.

  4. Lidge should be euthanized. Imagine if we have those 10 blown saves as Ws? we'd been on our way to a hundred win season...

  5. I applaud both of EDG and TBB's suggestions for Lidge's new song, but seriously, Sam, you have to reach him with this idea.

    He seriously has to get his proverbial doodie together.

    As we are still in first, despite his blunders, I, for one am still standing behind the man. Yes, he has been terrible. Yes, he is a right wing God-freak. And yes, he may fuck up again, and probably will. Still, I think he has the talent and know how to switch on another streak at any moment. In the meantime, I do have one suggestion for him:


    Yes, it is in German on purpose. It's even better.

    Welcome back, Big Firm.

    I second the vote for the Hester Hyperlink.
    "Cleat Tackle, Dog!"

  6. Hundred win seasons don't win championships. Just ask the Cubs.