Sunday, May 18, 2008

Letters

Sundays can start with such promise and end with the sluggish ennui of an awkward and protracted slow dance. In the sixth grade. To Stairway To Heaven. My own underwhelming history aside, this past Sunday offered two scoops of shit for any Philly fan who spent the day watching sports while listening to booming thunderclaps in the distance. Had it not been for a truly inspiring weekend prior to Sunday I might have been upset. On to my letters of the week.

Dear Flyboys,
Hey guys, loved your spunk during the playoffs, even wrote about hockey while under your post-season spell, so maybe I should wait a day before writing to give myself a chance to gain some perspective. Or I could use my anger as creative inspiration and offer my perspective as of right now: TODAY WAS PATHETIC AND SHAMEFUL!! Granted, the Penguins appear to have a very good team. Granted, the game was in Pittsburgh. Granted, Braydon Coburn was still out of action with injury. Not granted, we didn't score a single goal. Not granted, we let them score six. Not granted, I stopped watching with half the game left. Looking back at what I've written I see that anger doesn't always translate into creative genius, so maybe I should take my anger elsewhere and move on. I only want to make clear that as a fan I don't find a 6-0 loss in an elimination game palatable in anyway. I would even say it is unacceptable, except I have no sane and legal way of not accepting a team losing a hockey game; sadly, as Philly fans, all we do is accept defeat, add another layer of cynic's asbestos to our attic of dismay, and wait for the soonest possible happy hour. Sorry Flyers, I've gotten off course. Thanks for a fun and unpredictable season. Re-sign Jeff Carter. Sign and trade RJ Umberger. And give Mike Richards the C already!

Disgusted Today but Hopeful Tomorrow,
Chief Naka



Dear Lebron,
I know you get a lot of fan mail, autograph requests from kids and dork adults, money requests and dubious business proposals from "friends", and of course tons of underwear and naked pictures from females. And I know you don't read it, save for the truly exceptional panty offerings. I, despite dorky moments, a tendency to conceive of dubious business proposals, and a genuine fondness for panties, do not consider myself in any of the above categories. I just want to say I was rooting for you today, and when I say you I mean you, because rooting for the Cavs means rooting for you, because everybody else on your team is garbage. The second best player on the team, Delonte West, besides being horrible to look at, is no better than the 6th or 7th best player on any of the teams still playing. And you almost pulled it off. So cheers to you for being a beast. And let me make sure we understand each other: I'm not a fan of yours in a specific sort of way, but I recognize your unique place in the game and your importance to the league, and I look forward to seeing you one day scoring 50 points, racking up 18 assists, 15 rebounds, 10 turnovers, and one stern curse out of your rowdy mother. Also, any chance you want to play in Philly? Great food, unparalleled beard style, tons of violence. Think about it.

Get us Gold in Beijing,
Chief Naka


Dear Chris Matthews,
You annoy me but I have to give you props for exposing Kevin James(conservative radio shlub) as the loudmouth emptyhead that he, and many like him, are. Watch the clip here, but if you don't have the time Matthews presses James on comments he makes about Neville Chamberlain(Wilt's step-brother), and James has no idea what he's talking about. Love it. Chris, why don't you do more of this? I don't watch your show but I will think about it if there promises to be more of this behavior. Well, might not watch your show but will watch youtube clips people send to me.

Kudos Sucka,
CN


Dear Manu Ginobili's Bald Spot,
You distract me. A lot. Can you hurry up and spread to the rest of Manu's head so that he gets the message and shaves his head? Is there something going on in Manu's personal life that requires him to keep you so horribly exposed and bare to the world? I feel for you, Bald Spot, but I also hate you and want you to stop distracting me. Plus, I already have a favorite Bald Spot, and it's more of a Dead Spot, and it belongs to my man 'Sheed Wallace, and if you're trying to start some sort of competition you will lose. And I hope you are eliminated tomorrow by Chris Paul, who may be bald but we don't know since he shaves his head. Brilliant!

Go Away Bald Spot,
CN


Dear Bubak and Bride,
In all seriousness I want to thank you for a dope wedding on Saturday. It had everything, great people, delicious food, impromptu fireworks, and a yellow bus filled with drunken morons wielding weapons of dessert and belligerence. I'm happy for you guys, and honored to have been a part of it. My personal highlight is easy to choose: Bul Bubak, thriving in the joyous window of drunkenness after the requisite glad-handing and previous to the inevitable barf-a-rama, lighting fireworks and chasing friends while screaming, literally screaming, with delight. It was a great moment. Congrats again, and again and again.

Peace Mr. and Mrs. Jebronstein,

Kenz

7 comments:

  1. Congrats to tha bul bubak and Mrs. Bubak from me as well. I wish you much happiness (not surliness, Bubak).

    Chief Naka, are you also a fan of Joey Scattergood who also has a Sheed-esque white spot?

    Enjoyed the letters. You are a sports commentary GZA, especially when it comes to writing about the Flyer's spunk.

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  2. Congrats to tha bul bubak and Mrs. Bubak from me as well. I wish you much happiness (not surliness, Bubak).

    Chief Naka, are you also a fan of Joey Scattergood who also has a Sheed-esque white spot?

    Enjoyed the letters. You are a sports commentary GZA, especially when it comes to writing about the Flyer's spunk.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Whoops. Didn't mean to post that previous comment twice. I guess that's why they call me Johnny Two Times. "I gonna go get the papers get the papers."

    It seems like Chief Naka is carrying the DR of late by dropping solid (b)logs. Big Firm is too busy tanning his already tan skin in Bermuda, flintskins is a lazy fuck who is burning his not so tan Irish skin at the Reeds for Memorial Day, El Diablo is going to be a boy from Nantucket, and Tha Bul Bubak just got married and is likely somewhere dope on his honeymoon.

    Meanwhile, good ol' dvdubs is stuck in the illadel, wallowing in his own crapulence, miserable in his job as the lowest paid CEO on the planet, eagerly awaiting one (or more) brave DR staff member's next (b)log.

    Tha Bul BO-bak is apparently having a "Meat Smoking" party on Monday. I may be the only one there....Or I may be deterred by Mr. Coke-can's clever, yet gay, choice of name in advertising said barbeque...Who am I kidding? That's the reason I may go.

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  4. For those of you who missed the dvdubs call into 610 WIP (aka., all DR readers and staff members besides Chief Naka), it was something special. Dvdubs vented on the Ryan Howard strikeout issue, suggesting that if the Phillies could get someone like Dizke Matsuzaka, that it might be time to consider a trade, all the while maintining a Philly cuz accent.

    Now, it may be time for Dvdubs to eat his w(t)o(u)rds, as Howard is again showing signs of life. I don't want to get on the announcer trend of saying "he's back" every time he gets a hit, but you gotta hand it to the man. He has had a couple strong games and is now above the mendoza line. While he will still break his own strikeout record this season, all will be well as long as he hits bombs on a regular basis and brings in 150 RBIs.

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  5. Jesus, flintskins...

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